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Dear Little Sister~~~~TRIGGER~~~~

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by ari, Jul 18, 2007.

  1. ari

    ari Staff Alumni

    Dear Little Sister,

    Baby sister I have wanted to talk to you for while, but I really don't see that happening in the near future. I need to get this all out so I guess I will say it here in this letter. A letter of my unspoken, unheard words, forever I will be invisble.

    Do you have any idea how much I love you? Do you have any idea how much I have tried to protect you for so long. I don't really need to protect you the way I used to.

    I feel like I have no worth in your life, I feel like I don't matter. When we were little and I was starting to get older I had the worst fear that daddy would move on to you when he wasn't interested in me anymore. I risked everything by telling my secret, to save myself and to hopefully save you.

    Do you know that by doing that and risking everything I lost everything, everyone..and in the end I couldn't save you from him. Do you know how guilty I feel by not being able to complete that task. I feel so responible for him hurting you.

    I tried to protect you, I really did, I tried to not make the same mistakes again when I told people about your abuse. I am sorry that it had to go on for so long. I wanted to make sure so he was convicted. It seems there I failed again. I am not sure if it was all my doing your mother made a deal with the devil.

    Do you know with everything that we have been through, you have had so much support. When your secret was let out of the bag, your mother,your grandmother, grandfather, aunts and uncles all supported you and kept you safe. Do you know or do you even know who I had to support me?? No one....I was left to the wolves, I had to survive the best way that i could and survive barely is what I did.

    Did you know that I gave up my inheritance, my house that I bought when I was 18, everything that I had to save you to make sure that you were safe? Do you know how much I have had to struggle to try and make my way back financially? No, because it seems that you don't care. When ever you need help, or are having car problems, your mother and others help you out. No one has ever helped me with anything.

    When my two kids were younger you made me pay you to watch my kids so I could have a short break. I did it because I needed the help and I had no one else. I babysit your daughter just so I am allowed to spend time with her, because I love her so much. it hurts to only be allowed a few hours with her each week.

    Do you know that now that you have your own child you think you know it all, that you down me for everything I do or say with my kids. do you know you make me feel like the worst mother in the world. you used to complain about my daughter, how she treated me, how selfish that she was and now you support her and treat me like a leper. I have lost so much and now you are taking my daughter, do you know that she says that when she is 18 that she will never talk to me again. I blame you for that, for your influence.

    do you know that I would give anything to go to school? yes i know if i tried hard enough i could make it happen. it just would be nice to have a little family support. how much support did you have when you went to college? all the support that you needed. your mother paid all your bills and living costs so that you could go to school for seven years to get a psychology degree. and what did you do with that hard earned degree that gets rubbed in my face? Nothing. You have no job, you do some work for this church you are involved with but it has nothing to do with your degree.

    you want to know something else that hurts? To know that I have no real place in any family. I feel it everytime that I walk into your mothers house. a mother that tells me that I try really hard to love you. anyway right there in the living room are three very large pictures, one of you, and one of your stepfathers two daughters, there is no place for me there.

    I guess it is because I am a part of no family and dont belong anywhere.

    Lost older sister that doesnt matter
  2. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    ARI!!!:sad: :hug:

    You have a family hun..we aint much but we are your family :hug:
  3. Isa

    Isa Well-Known Member

    *cries and hugs Ari*

    love you ari
  4. ari

    ari Staff Alumni

    I am sorry...its been a rough day all around...here and everywhere...to finish me off..was to have a lovely interlude with my sister, my daughter and the people that my daughter is living with....

    I love you as my family I wish that i had you all closer...

    I am so tired

    so very tired

    why try
  5. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Ari, I started a reply to this earlier and could not find the words to express how I really felt. I am still unsure, but will just let whatever is written, is written. I tried to call but got no answer. Would have been much easier that way but here goes.

    Your sister will someday come to regret the way she treated you. It is definitely her loss. Your daughter as well. But I know you. They will come to you needing help and you will do everything you can in order to do so because that is the way you are. You have such a kind heart and soul. You turn no one away despite your feelings. You will put them first in front of your own needs to ensure they have whatever it is they need.
    It is not your fault you were unable to stop him from doing the same to your sister as he did to you. The blame rests solely on his shoulders. You were very brave and corageous as a young girl to step forward and tell what was happeneing. You risked everything and suffered for it. I wish it would have turned out differently for you. But it didn't and now you are left once again to try and pick up the pieces. You have your family here at SF to help you pick up those pieces and get them back together. It will never be exactly the same as things that are broken never are. Take care my friend. TFA
  6. ari

    ari Staff Alumni

    I am sorry C.....I turned off the phones last night because D said someone from the "Last trip" that I had problems with that I told you about when we talked while I was there....I just couldnt deal with anymore last night.
    I hear what you are saying I really do...Tfa
    working at home today and will try to connect with you by phone too. love you C
  7. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    It's okay ari. i just figured you had had a rough day and neded time to process things. I hope today is a better day for you. :hug: