Dear Mom

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Forgotten_Man, Jul 15, 2010.

  1. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Fuck you, ok stop sending me this bullshit. "I am sorry" that is all you fucking say? Fuck you, give me one good reason why I should believe any of the shit in that book you sent me... what was it called If I Only Knew or any of the other ones that you have sent me since YOU FUCKED UP.

    You say you think you lost me. You send me a small book written by a woman who's sone died. Yes you hit the nail on the head. I might as well be dead too you. So let me explain WHY you and I are so VERY distant.

    While you were running my perfect little sisters around to soccer practice, when we were all in our single digits. I was left to fend for myself "Ride your bike and be careful" as well as "heat up some dinner for yourself".I was 8 years old. Yet you pampered the sisters. I think it is because you knew the successful ones. I am pretty sure you only let me play baseball because you knew it would shut me up or something. You say I drifted apart from you. Yes, I did, because I never had time to get attached to you. When you were home I was to study or something. When you were not home, the majority of the time, I was on my own. So yeah I learned a bit of independece.

    Bonding time.. oh you mean all the time you spent screaming at me because my grades were not perfect? I think that is the only thing that slightly resembled bonding time in my book. I guess when you were screaming at me about my poor job on house hold chores as well. That was our bonding time. Why because I was the male.

    Yup I was the male. I was the gender you despised. Because that gender is what left you with this burden. To be quite honest I am surpirsed you did not have an experimental sex change operation performed on me. After all who was the one who used you? My dad, and well just like him I had a penis. You can lie to yourself and say the oldest always has it the hardest. However, my gender made it just that much easier to treat me like shit. You send me this book about hugging me and never letting go, or holding my hand or telling me I love you. Fuck you, you have your two daughters. They are what you wanted them to be. Popular, attractive, man killers, then you have me. Socially awkward, ugly, and stupid, I think in many ways you built me up to be like this. That was your way of getting revenge on my dad. By raising an insecure failure of a man. You say you think you lost me.

    You are right you have. Any time I put in with the family is just face time. it helps you look like the perfect parent.. Having 3 kids who all show up for giftmas time. Having all your children be there to rub in your sisters faces. You lost me long before you questioned my word on the 401k, You should have known that the day I went to live with my dad. When I came back I hated females as much as you hate mates. So I was not going to put forth any effort bonding with you. By my junior year in high school I was dead to you. I just made it official back in 2008.

    Do not worry, eventually you will be able to read that book and know exactly what the female who wrote it fetl. It is only a matter of time before I actually kill myself. It is only a matter of time before I end it all. It could be tomorrow, it could be a couple years from now. However, because of the path I am on, I am doomed to not live to 30. All this apologizing means nothing to me. You can say "I'm Sorry" till you are blue in the face. However, you made your fucking choice, and it will leave you with a dead son. So you had better be preparing for that. Do not worry as long as I have my job you will have life insurance on me. You are my beneficiary. That way I can pay you back for this wasted investment you call your child.

    Maybe you would have loved me more if I was a female. I don't know, maybe you would have just hated me because I ruined your life. I knoW I killed all your dreams of being a high level VP or P in the company. Of being a career woman. A woman independent of men. I was the beginning of the end for you.

    Anyway I will keep this crap you sent me. If only so I can say I did. So you can find it sealed in some box. A big screw you to you. I kept them so now you have to see them and think "Why did he not just throw these away".

    That male you crapped out.

    Someone needs to give me one good reason why I should not send this letter or a more suicidal version of it to my mom tonight.
  2. absolution

    absolution Forum Buddy

    i think you should tell your mom how you feel...maybe not as bold as this but you should tell her. Actually you should do what will help YOU! :hug:
  3. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Yeah I think I left out a few parts, however, I do not want to word it nicely.
  4. absolution

    absolution Forum Buddy

    Then by all means dont word it nicely. Sounds like she dont deserve nice...but thats just my opinion.
  5. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    No she doesn't and all these stupid letters cards and books are starting to piss me off. I just want to kill myself to make her stop sending them to me.
  6. absolution

    absolution Forum Buddy

    No dont, please. I would miss you....alot of people would miss you. Dont do that..
  7. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    Oh my FM.....:sad:

    I think you should tell your Mum how you feel too..speaking from a mothers point of view...either in person so you can also hear her side or in a letter...
    But not a suicide letter because then you've closed all other options for yourself just to hurt her...
    whatever you think is the best for you...:hug: :console:
  8. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    I won't send her a suicide letter. My parents do not deserve suicide letters. When I die, they lived with me. They should know that it is only a matter of time.

    I would rather not talk to her face to face. I suck at face to face discussions. I can only really let my heart out in text. Plus I find it amusing how we both put up a facade when around family. She knows I want to die and the only time I see her is at family events so she has to act like everything is just fine.

    I am notorious for hurting myself to hurt my mom. It is a very bad habit of mine. One time I almost flunked out of school just to hurt her.

    I guess this is the first one of these pieces of trash I have received in a while so I guess I do not need to kill myself yet. When I first separated myself from the family. I got like 2 cards and a book every month. That got really annoying. I eventually just returned to sender. I would white out the addressed write my moms address on there and put a new stamp on there. Just show her I got it and was going out of my way to send it back to her.
  9. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    It sounds like she does care about you or she wouldn't bother sending you anything....
    I know how hard it is to confront someone and the risk of being hurt is there..
    sometimes not confronting the person eats you up more though..
  10. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    Hey- Wow! Very honest words. I can see that her past actions have hurt you, but I can relate to you both. I am the oldest and my parents expected more out of me. And for good reason, I was who my younger brother looked up to. Did you ever think that she left you alone so much because she felt that she could trust you? I seriously doubt that she loved you less, it may be because she just did not know how to reach you. You are male, and although it may seem like no big deal to you, it can be confusing. Dad's are best with sons, and mothers are best with daughters because they can relate, and help in the issues they face. I know that even you know that both sexes think differently.
  11. Viro

    Viro Well-Known Member

    I'd send a harshly worded letter to explain how I felt and a more eloquent one to explain the logistics of it.

    But there is no way I would send a suicide note that she could possibly use against you. Although, it sounds like you have the opposite problem that I do...
  12. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    Please do not burn this bridge, build it. grab ahold of her hand and allow the communication to flow. I believe she is sincere. She's at a loss. I can relate to her, because I dread the day that my son who is now 11 months will one day be a man, and will no longer need me. I am a woman, and all I can offer is love, and comfort. Something I am sure he would reject and want guidance from his dad who is a man. There is rejection there that goes both ways. Now the time has past. Don't kill yourself. Reach out, and mend the hurt that is between you. I know that she has a side to the story, and you are not allowing her to share it, nor are you sharing yours. It has to start somewhere, and it is resting on you. :) :hug: Blessings..
  13. kyle88

    kyle88 Well-Known Member

    Send the letter... let her know the pain she caused... but I don't think killing yourself will do anything... you should live to be successful... that would really show her...
  14. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    @IV2010: Yeah, however, I know she hurts more by my silence and lack of reaction. I often times feel like she is a lost cause. She tends to not listen.

    @Daphna: I think she let me be on my own so I would likely get hit by a car. No she did not trust me. I was never allowed to stay home for more than an hour or two. Because that was against the law when the child is under 12. So my mom helped further outcast me by making me attend day care until I was 12. As where my younger sister stopped attending at age 10 and my youngest at age 7. I was obviously the trusted one.

    Why should I build a bridge with her? She has been burning the bridge with me since I was a child. Now that my sisters are off dating and not clinging to her. She returns to the child she ruined. Because she knows that I only have her. That was her design, make one child a weak social outcast. That way You always have a baby. Too bad for her it is backfiring. I will be dead before she knows it. She can write off the failed investment and move on. The failed investment were her words.
  15. Prof.Bruttenholm

    Prof.Bruttenholm Well-Known Member

    I went to daycare up until I was 12. It was a bit humiliating.

    You don't owe your parents anything. But if you're going to kill yourself, then make that choice, unless you're not serious and you're just angry.

    I hate everyone, including my own mother, I suppose I don't have sufficient reason to do so, but why should I need reason?

    I know when I am going to kill myself but you, I think you're just angry.
    You want someone to tell you everything is alright and something happy.

    Well I'm not that person, fact of the matter is, I finished reading your very first post and almost laughed.
  16. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    @Prof.Bruttenholm: Yes very humiliating to go to daycare that long. My mom could never figure out why I was an outcast.

    Yes I am a bit angry, I am most likely going to kill myself. However, I won't deny a random thing happening to fix my life. However, we will just see now won't we.
  17. Robin

    Robin Guest

    Isn't tragedy always a comedy? I heard that somewhere and am pretty sure it has significance but not quite sure who said it and why it has significance.

    As for the pain and suffering, laughable or not to anyone, I guess you could put that down to the genius of Einstein. Suffering is always relative, as is any perspective i believe, what might be the root for the suffering of 1 person might be the treasure of a life long quest for another.
  18. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    You do not have to do anything in all honesty,but I believe that deep inside of you is that hurt little child that wants a relationship with his mommy. And I believe that if you forgave her for her past mistakes and work towards giving her, and yourslef a second chance that this will help you overcome a good portion of your problems. From what I have read of your answers on here, I have learned this: you are a caring, and compassioante person. And I am a very good judge of character, so I bet I am right when I say that once you decide to let go of past hurt feelings and anger you will be able to heal, and be the beautiful light to those around you that you are always meant to be. the choice is yours and will always be yours, and I am not bossing you. I am confident in your own time, that you will do what is right. Everyone deserves a second chance. Everyone is imperfect and make mistakes, I have made more than my share of them. You have the power to work towards what you want, or to stay where you are at.
  19. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    I know what you are going through, I had an awful relationship with my step-dad. I judged, and condemned him for a long time. I also did everything to ruin his life for a long time too. It took time, and enlightenment to show me that it is not my place to judge, but it is always within my power to love and forgive, especially to show compassion and grace. It is in your power too. You will not be able to do it magically over night, but you can begin the process. I have faith in you. Blessings.. :hug:
  20. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    @Daphna: Who knows maybe deep down you are right. For now though I am not looking that deep. There is too much resentment in the way. Plus it just pisses me off to get stuff like that.