Fuck you, ok stop sending me this bullshit. "I am sorry" that is all you fucking say? Fuck you, give me one good reason why I should believe any of the shit in that book you sent me... what was it called If I Only Knew or any of the other ones that you have sent me since YOU FUCKED UP. You say you think you lost me. You send me a small book written by a woman who's sone died. Yes you hit the nail on the head. I might as well be dead too you. So let me explain WHY you and I are so VERY distant. While you were running my perfect little sisters around to soccer practice, when we were all in our single digits. I was left to fend for myself "Ride your bike and be careful" as well as "heat up some dinner for yourself".I was 8 years old. Yet you pampered the sisters. I think it is because you knew the successful ones. I am pretty sure you only let me play baseball because you knew it would shut me up or something. You say I drifted apart from you. Yes, I did, because I never had time to get attached to you. When you were home I was to study or something. When you were not home, the majority of the time, I was on my own. So yeah I learned a bit of independece. Bonding time.. oh you mean all the time you spent screaming at me because my grades were not perfect? I think that is the only thing that slightly resembled bonding time in my book. I guess when you were screaming at me about my poor job on house hold chores as well. That was our bonding time. Why because I was the male. Yup I was the male. I was the gender you despised. Because that gender is what left you with this burden. To be quite honest I am surpirsed you did not have an experimental sex change operation performed on me. After all who was the one who used you? My dad, and well just like him I had a penis. You can lie to yourself and say the oldest always has it the hardest. However, my gender made it just that much easier to treat me like shit. You send me this book about hugging me and never letting go, or holding my hand or telling me I love you. Fuck you, you have your two daughters. They are what you wanted them to be. Popular, attractive, man killers, then you have me. Socially awkward, ugly, and stupid, I think in many ways you built me up to be like this. That was your way of getting revenge on my dad. By raising an insecure failure of a man. You say you think you lost me. You are right you have. Any time I put in with the family is just face time. it helps you look like the perfect parent.. Having 3 kids who all show up for giftmas time. Having all your children be there to rub in your sisters faces. You lost me long before you questioned my word on the 401k, You should have known that the day I went to live with my dad. When I came back I hated females as much as you hate mates. So I was not going to put forth any effort bonding with you. By my junior year in high school I was dead to you. I just made it official back in 2008. Do not worry, eventually you will be able to read that book and know exactly what the female who wrote it fetl. It is only a matter of time before I actually kill myself. It is only a matter of time before I end it all. It could be tomorrow, it could be a couple years from now. However, because of the path I am on, I am doomed to not live to 30. All this apologizing means nothing to me. You can say "I'm Sorry" till you are blue in the face. However, you made your fucking choice, and it will leave you with a dead son. So you had better be preparing for that. Do not worry as long as I have my job you will have life insurance on me. You are my beneficiary. That way I can pay you back for this wasted investment you call your child. Maybe you would have loved me more if I was a female. I don't know, maybe you would have just hated me because I ruined your life. I knoW I killed all your dreams of being a high level VP or P in the company. Of being a career woman. A woman independent of men. I was the beginning of the end for you. Anyway I will keep this crap you sent me. If only so I can say I did. So you can find it sealed in some box. A big screw you to you. I kept them so now you have to see them and think "Why did he not just throw these away". Sincerly, That male you crapped out. ------------------------------------- Someone needs to give me one good reason why I should not send this letter or a more suicidal version of it to my mom tonight.