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Dear Mum.

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Perception is truth. Perception however is also subjective. You percieve my childhood in way which is different to how i percieve my childhood. That doesnt invalidate either of our perceptions. I've told you once, twice and once again, how i felt about the way you treated me. I don't understand why to you it seems such a surprise, i didnt say anything i havent said before. Maybe because this time there was more passion behind it. I cant forgive you, and i cant rebuild bridges between us, unless you can accept some responsibilty. I didnt beat myself up, i didnt make myself feel like crap, i didnt make myself cry myself to sleep at night. Fair enough, you had things ruff, and compared to that my life may seem like a walk in the park, but pain is relative, and i can only compare it to what i know. This isnt about blame, its just i want some recognition of how i feel, whenever i mention it. You always just become so defensive, i wasnt so bad, i didnt do this, i dont remember that, even the way you reacted, you stopped talking to me. I was stunned. You have never ignored me like that, and more importantly, ( i can understand what i said wasnt nice ) But it wasnt about you, it was about me. I dont know, i dont even know if writing this was a good idea. I dont know if we can ever have a relationship again, but i need you to atleast recognise and accept the way i feel. You may not have wanted me to feel that way, but i did.

I told you that i thought you was evil, and that i didnt love you. Well the former was an exggeration, and the latter, the latter i really dont know. I've worked so hard not to feel anything, that i dont know what i feel. However i do know, that i feel guilty, even in knowing that honestly i havent done anything. And i also feel sorry, i am sorry. Sorry i aint the son i could of been, or the brother they needed. Im sorry im putting you through this now. I dont doubt you care about me, its just easier for me to believe you dont. I hate when you say your proud of me, theres nothing to be proud of. Unless failure became an achievement.

I'm going to be at Karens for a while, and then where i move on to, i dont know. But its not something im thinking about right now, id also appreciate it, if we didnt talk for a while. Hopefully with time, and a helping hand things can get better, even if i dont want them too. x x x

I wish i could just say this all to her...
I've been reading so many posts and trying to find someone who understands my pain. So far this is the only one that really struck a chord in me. I've never heard my exact emotions be expressed by another person so perfectly ever. It really hurts when someone invalidates something you feel so strongly about. My mother does the same thing. She threatened to not maintain a relationship with me simply because she did not want to face what she's done. No matter how many times she's said she cared about me, or acted like she did afterwards, I did not believe her. Does real love have selfish conditions attatched to it? Why can't she see how much it hurts?
Well in the end i sent to her, and i think the reply hurt me more than anything. This is going to sound so cliche, but when people say you need to forgive for youself you really do. I havent forgiven my mother, and i havent forgotten what she done. But just as i asked her to recognise my pain, in turn i had to recognise that she really was trying to do the best by me. Maybe her best wasnt good enough, or maybe she didnt know what the best thing to do was. But holding all of that pain, that anger, i realised all these years that i thought i was protecting myself, that i thought i was punishing her. All i was doing was creating new pain for myself, all i was doing was relieving those moments over and over again. We choose not to believe them, cos its easier to accept someone who doesnt care hurt us than it is to accept someone that does care hurt us. I'm not telling you to forget, im not even telling you, im suggesting, you need to realise this, even if she doesnt recognise your pain, you must let go of it, for yourself. I know shes your mother, and i beat myself up about it everyday, how can a child not love their mother, its hard, i've left home and i no longer talk to my mother, (just as she no longer talks to her mother). I havent forgiven, i've just acknowledge mistakes happen, the love i expected to recieve from my mother doesnt exist. I didnt want to cry anymore, so i had to let go of it, for my sake.
Well I finally talked to my mother last night for the first time in about a year. She told me that she was here for me and she even admitted that she wasn't the best mother but that she wanted to try to rebuild a relationship. Then she said she would call me back, as the phone connection was bad. It's now the next day and she still has not called. Maybe I'm making a big deal out of nothing, but it still hurts. I'm trying not to get too upset because I want to get past this whole anger thing. I just have to accept her shortcomings. She is still my mother. The bottom is that life is too short to hold these grudges. I'm 27 and I'm just now started to let go. I wish I had not spent so much time letting anger and pain rule me.
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