Dear Summer

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Auerbach, Jun 22, 2013.

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  1. Auerbach

    Auerbach Well-Known Member

    Here we are again, could this time be the one? Lucky number 3? We have been doing this for the past two years, always during this time, something about the air, the environment, the sky, the streets, the vehicles, the hot lonely walks. Help lead me out, right out from my room, into the atmosphere, going somewhere and never coming back. I have been scratching for you, every summer.

    The town loser, that is what I am, I walk up and down and there is never anything. Loser, loner, weirdo, that is what I am and everyone knows it. Mocking me, making fun of me, teasing me, bothering me, judging me. I can't even function when I am around other human beings. I can't connect to you, we have nothing comparable, I don't know you, I don't care about you, and everything is reflected right back at me as it should be, because there is no other way.

    No, I won't miss anyone and I don't need to say by to anyone either, fuck that, i don't have anything to say to anyone, not even farewell, it may be bitterness or just emptiness, void, there is nothing there. Come for me; my body in a bag, my body six feet under and that is the last of me...forever.
     
  2. Auerbach

    Auerbach Well-Known Member

    I don't have the necessary equipment to go through with it. I don't have the balls to go to the store. <edit: methods> i don't even know where I'd do it from. All this bullshit; I just want it to be quick and guaranteed.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 23, 2013
  3. Ocarina of Time

    Ocarina of Time Active Member

    I don't think you should <mod edit - method> I don't think you should end your life. If you don't have the balls to do <mod edit - guidelines> then good... That just means you're no coward and you can pull through. Stay here, discuss anything you wish as long as it doesn't involve giving up. People always want to help.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 23, 2013
  4. Auerbach

    Auerbach Well-Known Member

    I take offence to you calling anyone who either wants to commit suicide or has committed suicide, a coward. I don't see myself as a coward.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 23, 2013
  5. Ocarina of Time

    Ocarina of Time Active Member

    Can you tell me what suicide is then? It's a selfish or cowardly act depending on how it's carried out. If someone were to commit suicide it'll ALWAYS cause pain to another. That is what makes it selfish. It is cowardly because it involves giving up (Giving up is never good) as well. I was not calling anyone who has or wants to commit suicide a coward (Then I'd be calling myself one too) But it's the act of suicide that's a selfish and cowardly thing.

    I know you're not a coward, that's what I said. It honestly seems to me like you didn't even bother to read the rest of my post.
     
  6. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    I cannot underestimate the pain of your circumstances. I know my own pain. And the pain you describe sounds certainly no less. and perhaps more.

    I personally do not want to die as much as I want the pain of isolation etc to be less. The heartache. I also know that if I die, then there will be no chance for the circumstances to become better. And what if there was a real purpose to my being here? What if the pain I experinece had a purpose. Maybe to know suffering to deeply that I could help others with it ? I dont know. but its a thought.

    It is so hard, when the pain is this deep to understand that when we do take our lives it effects others for the rest of their life. I think its hard to see that because when people are feeling in so much pain we do not really see that anyone cares. I know this is the case for me. And it has been the case for many who did kill themselves. I think thats what Ocarina of time may have been talking about in their reply to you.

    I am not a selfish person. But sometimes I believe deeply that if I left it would effect no one adversly on any great scale. Then when I feel a bit better I realize that people would be effected. I am not going to pretend to know that this is the case for everyone. But it is a commonly known thing that when people are in deep pain we often are not able to see that we do have someone or someones... family members who would be deeply and forever effected if we suicided. I do not believe at all that you are selfhish. Just in great pain. And thats the important thing. You are in great pain. Please keep coming back. Please keep writing, if you can. i think we all fit in here. Because we share something in common. And please stay alive. :hug:
    Whew, that was a long post. Sorry. I got a bit carried away
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 23, 2013
  7. Auerbach

    Auerbach Well-Known Member

    Feeling it again. I can't even read my book tonight. It was so fuckin hot today, it zapped everything out of me. Went to the pool today, the same pool i went to as a kid, it was boring and I felt nostalgic, I don't plan on returning there.

    Cold, angry, hurt, how far away from death am i right now? I want to cut my arms again but I don't want people from work to see it. I don't want to come out of my room, I don't want to see anyone or talk to anyone, i don't give a shit, I don't give a shit about most people, you might as well be dead, no, i might as well be dead. I am not going to push the world expecting a victory, i am the one who has to die, fuck the world and everyone in it.... that is how i truly feel, killing myself is the right thing and the best thing, i don't plan on goonin for the rest of my life, or hating, I could make this stop.
     
  8. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Personally I cannot imagine having made it through the worst of times without help. Are you getting help? Are you working with a counseller? Are you on medication? I still am on medication. But there was a time when the pain was so intense that I absolutly had to be on it or I would not be here now. Both counselling and medication were essential. I hope something good can come into your life. Because i do hear the pain you write about.
     
  9. Auerbach

    Auerbach Well-Known Member


    I am on celexa 30mg, I was on 40 before but the side effects were too bad. I do see a counselor now but I don't like him and I don't really talk to him. I can't choose someone else, I just have to take what they give me since the service is free.

    I personally like the antidepressants, it gives me motivation and energy, this is precisely what I need in order to go through with my suicide. When I was depressed and without meds years ago, I could not get myself to do anything.
     
  10. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    I am hoping something can turn around for you. So you can get the help you so deserve. In the meantime, I do hope that you will keep posting here... often. Because it has helped many people to not feel as alone. And to feel heard.
     
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