Dear Whoever *triggering as sin - probably should not be read ever!*

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by RainbowChaser, Jul 3, 2007.

  1. RainbowChaser

    RainbowChaser Well-Known Member

    This isn't directed at any one person. Apparently this might make it easier for me to write about how I actually feel.

    Dear Whoever,

    I honestly don't know how I'm meant to get through this.

    I feel so tired. Trying to type this, even thinking of the words to type here, feels draining. It's like every last bit of energy is gone. People will probably tell me that it's the meds or the fact that I'm barely eating that's doing it (although some have said that it's no excuse at all), and it wouldn't surprise me if it was one of the two in some way. But there's so much more to it than it looks.

    I'm so over-sensitive right now. Everything's triggering me. And I mean everything. When one person basically made it sound like I hadn't been through enough, I ended up thinking about the worst thing that my ex did to me. I try not to think of it often, cos it just makes me sick. He probably didn't mean for it to happen like it did, but it did and it sickens me to think that I acted like everything was okay, protected him after he'd done that.

    I'll explain...

    We'd been at a friend's party out in this great big field all night. One guy, a couple of years younger than me had been getting pretty touchy-feely all night - my ex simply shrugged it off, even tho I was really scared. I had drunk very little (I wasn't about to get drunk with some guy like that around), and I'd snacked alot to keep my energy up. My ex had pretty much done the opposite. We'd both tried to get a little sleep at one point, cramped up in his little car, but after half an hour we gave up that idea.

    In the morning, everyone migrated into the house to get a drink, and to make themselves somewhat respectable before going home. Soon it was just me and my ex stood outside the old caravan...

    He got me to go inside. Some random party person was inside, sleeping on the small bed. The double bed at the other side was empty and he led me to it, got me to lie down. With the random guy in there, he knew he couldn't ask for sex, so he asked for what he could have. I reluctantly agreed (at first, to keep him happy, and I wish I never had), but when he started to get into it more, he started to shove himself much further than I expected and wanted. I tried to say no, but he pushed harder. I somehow managed to get him off me, ran out of the caravan and the tent around it, and threw up.

    The sister of the girl who's party it was found me first, and held me steady. When she asked, I just said that I must have eaten too much. My ex came out of the caravan shortly after.

    Until a couple of months ago, I thought that that was all there was to the story. I really wish that was all I knew of the story.

    Apparently, a couple of people (probably including the girl's sister) made a bit of an educated guess about why I was sick. By the time I found out about this almost two years later, rumours had got to a friend of mine who hadn't even been at the party. She was the first person I ever told about this (I guess anyone reading this would probably be the second), but as soon as I finished she said that a friend of hers (who was at the party) had mentioned that he thought that that was the reason I was sick. She never said whether he thought it was an accident, or whether it was practically forced.

    And so I'm scared that all the people at that party (which included alot of my ex's friends) thought I was a complete slut after I'd only been with the guy two months.

    And I can't eat for thinking about it either. It's getting me so down.

    Nightmares of rape, exclusion, torture. They've been with me for nights now. So I can't sleep properly either. And without sleep, I can't concentrate. I got a book that a friend recommended for me ("Climbing Out Of Depression" by Sue Atkinson) and I can barely open it. I feel like such a damn failure for not even being able to do that much.

    Anyway, I'll stop talking now. I fully expect this thread to be deleted almost as soon as it's posted. It's not like it's helpful to anyone :sad:
  2. Nova

    Nova New Member

    (first post)
    I kinda feel what you're going through, I've been in similar kind of situations - but not as bad as that.
    I know that you must feel pretty bad, but (I'm probaly less educated on this then you e.g wrong) He probaly just thought: "right i'll get her in the mood then she'll want to" at first rather then just rape (or maybe i read it wrong and it isn't considered rape by you? I'm not very good at understanding things :(). And in the end he just got carried away. Don't get me wrong he is a complete and utter dick IMO. What I would do (but i have no self-pride/reputation) tell people he raped you, but that's me.
    And if you think people will think you're a slut, they probaly won't - i certainly don't! besides it was two years ago, most people won't care much about it now.

    I hope I helped x

  3. RainbowChaser

    RainbowChaser Well-Known Member

    Heh, I'd love to tell some people what he did, but they already have it in their heads that I'm a psycho who's out to ruin my ex's life :sad:
  4. Nova

    Nova New Member

    :( what does ex have to say on this anyway? or does he just refuse to talk about it to anyone?
    But anyway, I can't stay on - I'm off to bed
    Byes *waves*

  5. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    Oh hun, I am so sorry. I wish I could tell you what to do or I wish I even knew what to say. I feel for you. I really do. If you ever need to talk please know i'm here for you anytime. I know how damaging abuse is, is almost all I know, it's something I've been through my whole life, so I can definatly identify with you on this. Please hang in there hun. I do care and so do so many others. :hug: :hug:
  6. RainbowChaser

    RainbowChaser Well-Known Member

    He's admitted that he was wrong on alot of counts, including this, but he'll never admit any of it to anyone but me, which just makes me look like some bitch out for revenge :sad:
  7. RainbowChaser

    RainbowChaser Well-Known Member

    Thanks Carolyn hunny :hug:
  8. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    I understand that also. My exhusband and his family would go insane at home and what happens there is not allowed to be talked about to anyone out of the family or to leave the house. I went thru things that still make me sick, the sickest part is they don't even think they've done anything wrong. But out in public they act all nice and proper and sweet and try and make me look like a bad person, just left to leave resoncibility. So people think of me as a crazy lowlife. So I think I can understand in a way. :hug:
  9. RainbowChaser

    RainbowChaser Well-Known Member

    :hug: That's the worst. My ex's family and friends always seem to think he's perfect, so even if he told them now, he'd be told that I'd bullied him into saying it, and was trying to ruin his life :cry: