Dear *** - The amount of love I feel for you brings so many mixed emotions in my head. sometimes it scares me, sometimes it freaks me out, but thank God most of the time it makes me happy. It scares me because I'm afraid to loose you. Maybe by me screwing up (which I'm so good at) or maybe by something happening to you. To be honest, I don't know how I'd react to something like that. I dont know what I'd do. But at the same time I just want you to be happy, even if that'd be without me in your life in any way. It freaks me out because I love you so much that it hurts. It hurts to not always be able to talk to you when I feel down, or when I am excited or whatever. It hurts that ur so far away that I can't hug you when you feel like shit, that I can't whipe the tears off your cheeks when you're crying. It freaks me out because everytime I cut or burn myself and everytime I take too much hash & booze, I feel like shit for letting you down. It freaks me out because whenever I wanna die SO BADLY, thinking of you keeps me from doing it. And that freaks me out because it's not normal, because it's just freaky. I'm a freak! It makes me happy because it's great to have you as a sort of big sister, which my own sister never really has been. It's great to share my pain and sorrow as well as my joy and happiness with you. And it's great to just listen to your voice, listen to and read the interesting things you have to say. I love you, my friend.