Death Date- Last Cry

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by h0tshot, Jul 14, 2012.

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  1. h0tshot

    h0tshot Member

    I've never asked for help before even when I needed it, but at the current moment I need help badly.

    I've been fighting my depression for years and have kept it under raps for years until one day someone finally payed attention and saw that I had been harming myself. I would cut myself to cope with the large amounts of pain I'd feel on a day to day bases and I always hated myself since i was a kid. I always thought I was worthless and my one life wouldn't change this horrible world I called hell. I have a large amount of accomplishments and I am extremely smart, however none of this makes me feel at peace with myself.My sleeping pattern is horrible and when I do sleep i do not dream. I am suicidal at this point and the pain got so bad to the point where music no longer eases the pain as well as my girlfriend, cutting, pills, therapy, and any other methods you could think of. The reason I am writing this is because I'm curious as to what people will think, how would they react, and what would you say to me. I've already given myself a death date and this is my final and only cry for help..... I am 18 and I will not make to 19.



    I've already given up and my suicidal note is final
    If you think you can help please feel free I am very open minded and suicide is the one thing that I see as a way out to sleep forever and to never be hurt again.
     
  2. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    Only you can resolve, but if you decide that resolution is suicide... then you make the only true bad decision in your life. All other decisions you have made up until this are things that you can recover from, learn from, move on from. Times change things as we go through life. I've had up times and down times. Rich times and poor times. I've had everything I could ever want, and I've had nothing also. Age cures many things too, so going forward again remains the only option. My son, who was 18, choose the wrong option and that broke my heart. I suffer every minute of every day and all night long with nightmares... but his decision was wrong and I go forward because I can see how wrong it was. There is always a solution, but you have to invest time time to find it. Age 18 is not enough time invested at all. Reconsider what you're thinking. Put the same time and effort into seeking wellness.
     
  3. h0tshot

    h0tshot Member

    It's not like all of a sudden I've though of suicide, I've been thinking for almost 11 years now and it was on my 18th birthday I decided. I'm sorry about your son, but in order for someone to choose such a radical escape in my opinion has to go through way more pain then they can handle and because they went through so much pain they try to isolate themselves to see if they can fix the damage that has been done. I used to think what you said that with age comes a sense of overcoming many challenges including this one, but I was proven wrong recently..... Age doesn't mean anything when it comes to pain and emptiness, but people do not understand this. What you felt when your son made the "wrong decision" is probably like what he was feeling for a long time to the point he could not fix his own damages. There is no easy patch for what I feel and I thought it was because I was doing this alone, so I wanted to see if someone would suggest something I didn't try yet.......... I have yet to find something that could ease the pain I feel and hope only makes me look forwards for something that might not even be there. I appreciate your comment and I thank you, but this does not help me and in a sense made me feel a little bit worse than I am because my loved ones will go through hell when they see me gone, but I can no longer carry this unbearable pain.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 14, 2012
  4. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    It is difficult to suggest things you may not have tried without knowing what you have tried already. I know that often when I talk to people here and they say they've tried everything, I start to name off things and they admit they had not even thought of, or they have not even heard of. There are a lot of resources out there, I guess I'd be curious to know which of those many resources you have exhausted. You stated that thus far you have been going at this alone and so you posted here - which makes me feel like it's very possible you haven't pursued the many potential avenues that are available to you through the many resources.
     
  5. h0tshot

    h0tshot Member

    I like the way you write. lol Seeing someone write as if they know what they're saying with confidence instead of trying to pity me and telling me to change catches my attention. I like a good Challenger and the only reason I think it's a challenge is because you take my words and try to spin it to your advantage to change my point of view. Although I'm not like other people so lets hear your suggestions and I'll tell you my answers, also don't assume what I've done alone, but it is a very good guess.
     
  6. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    Have you contacted NAMI?
    Have you contacted AFSP? (I have no way to know if you're in the U.S. or not)

    (by the way, not sure if I'm spinning to my advantage as I am not sure what my advantage is - I'm here to try to help you, not me) :cool:


    You might want to pop into the chat function on this site.
     
  7. h0tshot

    h0tshot Member

    Already did pop into the chat function on the site, but thanks for suggesting it.

    I have no intention on applying to NAMI because I'm not mentally ill, I can see and think clearly.
    and as for AFSP I don't like being placed as research and labeled as a statistic thank you very much.

    The only reason I do not accept these suggestions is because organizations are people payed to "help you." (not a guarantee) I'd rather run into someone who can speak from the pain I feel even if you felt it for a moment.

    Example: Your son put a hole in your heart I can imagine, that same hole I walk around with everyday.

    A company hires someone who has done there research but never went though the pain.
    You acted out of random kindness but you belong to no company (correct me if I'm wrong.)

    (By the way I can tell your an amazing individual if your just doing what you think is right. I apologize for thinking what you was doing was trying to spin to your advantage and I guess that just makes you a good person.)
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 14, 2012
  8. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni


    Actually, both organizations mentioned are run by people strictly as volunteers and they are people who have experienced similar issues and therefore operate as "peer support" vs. something clinical. These organizations have not hired anyone to do their research and they are actually the people who have gone through the pain.

    One does not have to be "mentally ill" to seek out some resources from these types of organizations. I think the stigma and stereotype that surrounds them is expected, but it does need to be broken down. The largest issue that exists today is that there is not enough information about things such as suicide prevention and not enough awareness of organizations that do work hard, not for financial gain, to help others in these situations.

    My loss makes me realize how important life is and if there are those who have lost hope, I hope that they can reach out and take advantage of resources that will be beneficial to them. If someone (myself, for instance) can care about this for people that I/we don't even know, then surely there is hope to give and see received.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 14, 2012
  9. h0tshot

    h0tshot Member

    In that case you've shut me up lol I applaud you, however I still don't want to see any of these organizations, but I think I'll look into them more now that I'm more well informed.

    Thank you though :tongue: (It mentions Medication -_______-)
     
  10. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni


    My personal theory in life is that it never hurts to try. If you look into them and give them a fair shake and they don't work out, at least you can know within yourself that you tried. Goodness, my mom used to tell me that as a kid when she'd be trying to force me to eat some really gross vegetable or something -- I'd cry and complain and fight with her about it and she'd just be telling me, "Try it once... just try it." I'd sit there all night at the dinner table refusing to eat it and finally get excused. Boy, I thought I'd won. Gross vegetable... BUT, today I am a vegetarian (have been for over 30 years --- yeah, I'm an old time dude now!). Imagine that. In all fairness though, some of those vegetables she tried for me to try... I still don't like em. :)
     
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