Death, death and more death on my mind

[MrsStavrogin]

Like many others I have no clue why I am writing here, since I doubt that any form of improvement can result. But I guess I just need to vent somewhere. I`m planning to kill myself tomorrow. It is very likely that I wont do it since I am writing here, and if I was seriously going to do it tomorrow, I wouldn`t tell anyone (I did the same with my first attempt).

i don`t have the strength to type. My thoughts seem too worthless to put down, and it wouldn`t make a difference anyway. Im just tired of fighting. i`ve been doing that for 5 years. I think Ive had enough. There is a point where it is human to give up. Prolonging this would be like raping life. Like overusing something in order to cling on to ones instincts. I guess that the moment for cessation hasn`t arisen yet, but I sure do crave it. To rest. Not to be a part of this circle any longer. That is the only thing that produces some amount of pleasure in my dead mind.

The only thing that worries me a bit is the emotions that my parents will be going through. But they will, nevertheless, never be happy, because I am always miserable, and they can`t stand to see me like this. And they too are depressed (my grandmother, who lives with me is sooo depressed and unhappy with her life; and she is paranoid around me; sometimes I think that she does not want me to get better, because then, she will be alone in her misery). So maybe they will understand from that point of view.

Anyway, I just wanted to vent. I don`t expect anything. People always disappoint.

 

[LightInTheDarkestNight]

Hello I'm very sorry to hear you're doing so bad. I really hope you reconsider about your suicide attempt. You come of ass a good honest person who is just in bad circumstances. Remember no matter what you have or haven't done you're worthy of love and happiness. :hug:

I'm curious what are the core issues relating to your misery? I'd love to be able to give any insight to help you or at least try to.

I'm sure there are many people who can relate to you. You're not alone. If you don't mind me asking how old are you? You mentioned you've been struggling for 5 years what all has been going on exactly?

There's always hope for things to get better. I suspect your environment may be toxic for you, therefore moving out could be beneficial. Just a suggestion. Killing yourself would be devastating to your parents even if you think they understand because their depressed as well, they will blame themselves and wonder what they could have done differently.

Best wishes.

 

[MrsStavrogin]

I can`t lie and say that your reply wasn`t a pleasant read. Thank you for taking the time to respond. But I really don`t think that there is anything that I haven`t heard before. Five years of searching for an answer. It exhausts a person to the core. For now, I just wish to thank you from the bottom of my dead soul for replying. At the moment I don`t have the strength to write about my life. I feel as if everything has already been said so many times that it has lost any meaning, and now, all that is left are naked, cold words that stand for nothing. Words have lost their significance. My life lies in front of me like an old, filthy, dried-up rag.

I hope that I will regain some strength by tomorrow, and write more thoroughly then. I know that I am not alone, but that too has lost it`s meaning because I have no one to relate to in rl.

Again, I thank you.

 

[MrsStavrogin]

I`m feeling so bad right now. I don`t know if reading posts on this forum has triggered me, but I feel even more hopeless than before. I`m planning my tomorrows` suicide thoroughly now. Does anyone even have the slightest idea why a person should continue to exist? And I don`t mean that usual ``its just depression talking out of you, it will get better, life is beautiful``BS. I think that the universe doesn`t care if we`re dead or not. It`s just our tiny, socially addicted brains that make us think that there is something called good and bad, right and wrong, living and dying. Why should death be WORSE than life? Different - yes, but worse - I seriously doubt it.
In the end, it doesn`t really matter. If anyone can oppose me, or at least say something insightful, I would really appreciate it.

 

[abe6]

. Why should death be WORSE than life? Different - yes, but worse - I seriously doubt it.

none of us can possibly know what death really is. isn't that the least bit scary? life is miserable at times but death could be worse, much worse. i don't care if you are atheist to the core(i am somewhat), there has be somewhere in the back of your head that believes there's something beyond our existence. to me the true unknown is terrifying

i think it would help if you could at least say why you're hopeless? i understand you don't want to write a life story but try to give us some idea

 

[TooShyToScream]

Find something or someone that is important to you and stick to it. I knew I was on the verge of committing suicide, so I let my fiance into my life and he is now the one who keeps me here and gives me a reason to live. I still think about doing it, but the thought of "what will happen to him?" Always stops me. Sometimes I get pissed at myself for giving myself a reason to live instead of just going with what I wanted to do, but other times I thank myself and him. Myself for finding him and him for wanting to be a part of my life and helping me through it. That's the point in life I think. To find something worth living for. If you die, I agree that there probably won't be anything else except a dirt nap but think about it, there are still so many things you can experience. So many things that can make you happy if you give them a chance. You should do more things before choosing to die. There are many options out there.

 

[MrsStavrogin]

@ abe6 - The thing that you said about not knowing what`s after; that it could be worse. It got me thinking for a while, but I`m at the point where I`m willing to take the risk.
I talked to an online friend yesterday and she said many good things to me. She used to be in a similar situation in her life and she said that she survived by shifting the line of her thought. She started ``loving herself``. So, today I tried it. I tried to tell myself that i am worth something, because I thought that maybe it could do the trick for me. But it didn`t happen. I`m even worse today.

I used to think that my phobias, addictions and depression were the causes of my misery, but I realised t5hat it was exactly the opposite. I have social anxiety, I am depressed, and have an eating disorder. I was an alcoholic until I had to quit a year ago. Then, I turned to food. I always had social issues, and mainly used booze to get past that. After I couldn`t do that any longer, I hid away from people and started indulging in food. I have been living like that for a year.

The problem is that I can't seem to figure out why I am unhappy in the first place. I do sometimes feel good when I am around people, but I can't be with someone 24/7. And even that one hour when I am alone is enough to send me spiraling down out of control again. So, in the end, I really think that there is no hope for me. You see, I have even tried meeting with former friends, which is really an attempt of a desperate man, because, usually,I never would have done it while looking like this. I don't know how to deal with even the simplest stress and disappointments. I don't know how to live with myself and that is the main issue which will never be surpassed. I have a fundamental hatred for myself, and I am lost in my own self. I cry even in my sleep. Then I wake up, and continue to cry because the pain is so great that I have to let it out. I haven`t been sleeping very much in the last few days, because of some inner stress and anxiety. My general, life sadness, is always here, and that is why I turn to food (my current crutch; but as I said, any addiction does it for me).

I've tried therapy, so don`t bother suggesting. I'm very well informed about myself and the psychological ''issues'' which I have. One therapist said that maybe that was the problem why nobody is able to help me - that there is nothing new that any of them could say to me, that I already know almost everything from the scientific, psychological and biological point of view, and that therapy wasn't a miraculous answer. That it was up to me to try and break my line of thought. The problem is that I doubt that my broken core can be mended.

I've also tried medication, even though I was always against it. I tried to commit suicide a couple of years ago, and after that they put me on meds. Needless to say, it didn't do anything good. I only felt like I couldn't think as sharply as I used to, and that they were trying to make me fit into a mold. I have seen people on medication, and it seems to me that they always loose a small part of themselves.

It seems to me that I always used to have some form of addictive behavior. I think that that was the way in which I tried to cope with reality. When I was a kid, it used to be OCD (on the number 4), a few years ago there was alcohol, and now, there is food. But now, as I have isolated myself from friends, it has completely taken control over my life. The circle goes like this: food---> social anxiety---> depression----> suicide plans. Or so I thought, before I figured out that food, anxiety, depression and suicidal thoughts are just symptoms of something deeper, darker. And that something is - Me. That is the stuff that makes my essence.

I hope that now you can understand the pattern of my behavior a little bit better.

This is just some random rambling since my concentration is nonexistent. If you make ANY sense of it all, congrats to you.

At the moment I`m listening to Beiruts` Elephant gun, and I my question to you all is - do you think that it is even possible to feel joy in life? I mean, sincere, kid-like joy? Does anybody even feel like that? Or does it just sound good and magical in music, films and books (and life is a constant battlefield)?

 

[MrsStavrogin]

Ahhhh... how I love the sound of no one giving a damn :toothbrush:

 

[TooShyToScream]

If you find the right person, I'd think you'd want to be with them 24/7, and vice versa. I'm with my fiancee all the time, and we both like it that way. So if being around someone could help, do it. You say you have social anxiety, so do I, and mine is pretty intense. I could never meet someone in real life, so I stuck to online. If you try signing up to okcupid.com or plentyoffish.com, they're both free and you can meet someone in your area that you like. That's how I met my fiancee and we live together now. Only times we're apart is when he goes to work or when I go to school.

As for your question, I think it's possible to feel joy, yes. But I think it takes a lot to be able to do so for people like us.