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Death in the Family

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by moonlillie, Dec 6, 2011.

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  1. moonlillie

    moonlillie New Member

    I am really struggling at the moment. My mum died (not passed away, I always see passing away as far more peaceful!) on 30th Aug this year. She was only 63. We went to see her in hospital after she had died (I did see her there before hand), and within just over a week of her being taken into hospital she was dead. Apparently they'd had some tests done on her, and found out she was absolutely riddled with Cancer. There are 8 of us children in the family, and she also had 4 grandchildren.
    I know everyone else is struggling, and although I am only an hour away from the rest of my family, there is only me and my partner here, he has been as supportive as he can be.
    The thing is, I do have a long and varying degree of mental health troubles, and at the moment, I think I have got everyone fooled that I am ok. At the end of the day, I really do feel like they have enough to worry about, without being bothered by me. My whole belief system has been thrown out of whack (I am not really religious, I mean theoretically!).
    I don't believe in crying, it is an emotion that we weren't really able to show where we lived when we grew up, not anyone's fault. The only thing that I can think of is just not being alive anymore. I have had many attempts with various things, and I'm now looking all over the internet for the best way etc....... which I really know is not the right thing to do, even though I seem to have been doing it most waking hours for the past few weeks.
    Also hearing someone on the news has killed himself made me feel so jealous, which is absolutely awful to think. I don't want to try and off load to any of my family or anyone close, as it is not their problem, and I just don't feel I can be candid with them anyway.
    I just don't know what to do anymore. Christmas will be here soon, and I am just trying to make it till after then as I think one family funeral a year is enough (I know that is really messed up, but it is the way I have been thinking recently)
    I have a Psychiatrist, and a CPN, ,but can't even tell them, just worried someone will really try and stop me.
    I don't know whether I want to tell them that I am feeling so bad, or just to allow it for me to be able to do what I want to
    Sorry about the rant
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi hun im sorry you are missing your mother so much It is hard especially around the holidays I think your mother would want you to reach out now hun and get some help for YOU okay
    You tell your team just how sad you are and you get some grief therapy to help you hun heal and cope better. Think of something that your mother would have wanted hun and commemorate you love for her by doing that. Just know she is still with you hun she is in your heart and soul Please reach out for the help you need now hun
  3. I'm sorry to hear about your mum. It's understandable that you are feeling this way. I can relate to not being allowed to cry because neither of my parents would tolerate us crying. Stuffing emotions for so many years and then just bursting at times when I just couldn't hold back anymore.

    I understand that you wouldn't want people to know, but would you feel comfortable just telling them that you are really feeling down emotionally and that you could use some support? I mean without mentioning anything about suicide? At least you could get some of your feelings out and perhaps see that there (hopefully) are people willing to be supportive and help you through this awful time in your life.
  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and welcome...I am so sorry for your loss...please tell someone how you are feeling...it is overwhelming to deal with a loss like that to begin with and then to be in less than fine spirits at the time, complicates the situation even more...also, see if you can begin to express how you are feeling here...often times, cyber can be a rehearsal for RL, and you can find others who have had these issues and explore how they have dealt with them...welcome again and so glad you posted
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