Death is My Friend

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by SillyOldBear, Mar 9, 2014.

  1. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Member Safety & Support

    Death truly is my friend. At some point it will take me from this world of pain, chaos, and pointlessness. At some point it will take everyone from this world. The only questions are when and how. I really think we should learn to fear it less and embrace it more. It would ease our passings, for both those who die and the survivors.

    I often wish I had never been born. Then I would not have had to deal with this world. Its few pleasant moments (pretty much non-existent these days), and its many lousy moments. My mom's first child was still born. If he had survived, she would not have had me. My parents only wanted two children. They would have wound up with 2 sons, instead of one son and one daughter. If the first child had survived, she would not have had to deal with the grief of his loss, and I would not have had to deal with life.

    My struggles really began in my teens, although I have a letter my mom wrote when I was 8 or 9, talking about the hard time all the kids gave me. I was short, fat and had buck-teeth. The kids really gave me a hard time about. I remember nothing of it. Depression, anxiety, thoughts of worthlessness really hit in my teens. I was still short and fat, but teeth had been fixed. My parents kept trying to get me to lose weight. Not in a mean way, but because they loved me, and wanted the best. But I took it to mean I was horrid and unloveable. I have never unlearned that.

    I have made so many bad decisions in my life. Eating wrong, not getting a worthwhile education, never marrying (but that's hard to do when you don't like yourself). Always worked low paying clerical jobs, never union jobs, never a pension. Still, I spent what money I had like it was on fire. Have now been laid off 4 times. Last time I was 61 years old. Have almost no money set aside. Hope my temp job becomes permanent even though it is an extremely stressful job. Have never taken care of my health and am paying the price. My digestive system is shot, still fat, joints hurt, tired all the time, shake a lot from anxiety. Every night, when I go to bed, I hope that I will not wake up the next morning. The only good parts of the day are a very hot shower before bed, and going to bed, and hopefully sleeping.

    But I shall wrap this up, because long postings are often not read. I just look forward to death. It is my friend. Especially if it will come swiftly and painlessly. I guess I am not courageous or desperate enough to do it myself yet. After all, taking one's life is not natural. It is against all we have been taught. And there is no guarantee that an attempt will work. I could come out much worse then I already am. Sometimes I wish there were a readily available, quick, sure, painless way to end it. I am sure the doctors know such ways, but I am not a doctor. And I guess if such a method were public knowledge, the suicide rate would soar.

  2. Silver_Surfer

    Silver_Surfer New Member

    I wish I could give you better advise...but I feel the same way. But If you just waiting for death why don't you something new and exciting. Who might turn things around. Life is just a bunch of probabilities.
  3. strange_crusade

    strange_crusade Active Member

    I'm in no position to give advice atm - feel right where you are haha.
    just wanted to say you've been read and long posts don't bother everybody. i read them often.

    i put myself to sleep a few nights ago fantasizing about those silly 'suicide booths' on the show Futurama. sometimes i'd like a society apathetic enough to provide such a service. Other times I think it'd be a disaster. But that night it seemed like it would be such a luxury.
  4. Silver_Surfer

    Silver_Surfer New Member

    lol suicide booths would be great
  5. scaryforest

    scaryforest Banned Member

    ouch, the futurama version sounds painful
    unless one likes a lot of torture on their way out, then lol

    no matter how many words you need, express it however is comfortable to you
    people who don't read are lazy anyway

    anyhow, some series of events there making you feel like you do, try with the little things, there is much peace in life, also. and it's a big paradox
    peace is in nature, music, art. invest in these more and it should make you less tired of the chaos
    everyone needs some sort of balance

    one thing i forgot to add; death is my friend sounds profound and fearless
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 12, 2014