Death is one step closer.... =(

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by notwanting2live, Jul 30, 2008.

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  1. notwanting2live

    notwanting2live Well-Known Member

    ***MAY TRIGGER***I just keep on thinking about death and how much better everyone would be. Im so down at the moment, and i cant deal with the stuff that i have been with recently. :mad: im such a screw up, i thought i could do al of thism i thought i was getting better. Obviously not as i suck big time. Suicide may not be the best soloution but it is the only one that has logic and sense to my world, and to my thoughts. They are drving me insane [my thoughts and the voices] and i am on breaking point. Ive got my method set up, I just have to get a few more things. No i am not going to OD as that only brings death closure, it doenst actually reach me. Im always thinking that i have a bit of hope, but all of the hope has just gone out of me, and i am not thinking straight. Ive been on aerosols most of the day, which is making me really paranoid, as im starting to come down from them [hense the spelling mistakes - hands are still numb!] and Im relaly starting to hate the world so much, with each buzz fading. :sad: Im so sorry to everyone who has helped me, Im just hoping i can find the peace im looking for. I still havent thought through exaclty when i am going to do this, all i no is ive got to do it tonight. As Im not coping...:blink:
    I wish there was enougha way but there isnt, as i have searched for ages. Ive seen mental health proffessionals, done all of that and stuff, but im past help, ok i havent been through half the stuff everyone is going through. But to be honest, i cant cope with the stuff like the rape, the pyshical abuse, the bulling, and the constant fight with life, and ending up being sectioned, detainded in police cells, and being detained in the general hospital for being unsafe. I cant keep on doing that. I only have a few things that are goood in my life, and i dont no if i can keep on leaning on them to get by, as they are starting to become a part of the problem, except my best mate. But i mean like work, and not drinking so much, and not seeing the people that want to kick shit outta me and stuff like that. Sorry Im rambling. ***MAY TRIGGER***
    Xx Sky xX
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 30, 2008
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi Sky..I truly know how it feels to hurt this much and I also know that there are so many wonderful ppl here, ppl who helped me when I was where I think you are...Please PM me if I can be there for you...big hugs, J
     
  3. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    You seem more or less certain that it's over. It's never over until you've truly gone. None of us knows how life is gonna pan out but what if things do get better, wouldn't you want to be apart of that?
     
  4. middleofnowhere

    middleofnowhere Well-Known Member

    Hi, Sky. I'm sorry, with many others, that life is really hard right now. Lots of us have been at that point time after time, so we understand what you describe. The one main thing (coping skill) that has kept me going has been, first to promise myself I will wait until tomorrow, second, I will wait until something that's important to me happens (like in a couple of days, or even a week), and gradually I've been able to project further ahead. Some days it's back to promising myself a tomorrow. My goal right now is a long way down the road. My son is getting married in January, and I really want to be there for him. I've been able to come up with shorter term goals in the meantime, and that helps me move forward to January.

    If it doesn't help to make that kind of promise to yourself, seek out a friend or therapist you can tell your promise to, and make it a promise to them. I've kept my therapist aware of my projected goals for staying alive, and he's been supportive and encouraging, and he keeps working with me on how I see myself & how I see my small world.

    Survival is possible. I know that the statistics show that a large number of people don't survive the day, but we can live beyond the statistics. I hope that for you.
     
  5. LenaLunacy

    LenaLunacy Well-Known Member

    Hia sky.
    I'm sorry to hear that life is treating you so badly right now, but you never do know what awaits you around the corner.
    As my friend once told me, if you end it all today, how do you know that tomorrow the most handsome man swept into your life, and you lived happily ever after.
    Sounds cliche i know, but it keep sme going when i'm down. Maybe it can you :)
    Always here for u hunni. :hug:
     
  6. notwanting2live

    notwanting2live Well-Known Member

    Thanxs guys, its helped me a bit. Thank you. Im feeling a bit better, I didnt go through with my plan [obviously!] but I was close, my parents called A&E to get me to a place of safety and I just stayed in the General Hospital for to nights. It helped me feel bit more secure, and safer. Still not out of the water just yet, but hopefully i will be soon. x

    Thank you

    Xx Sky xX
     
  7. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    At least your feeling abit better. Hope that continues.
     
  8. notwanting2live

    notwanting2live Well-Known Member

    Re: Death is one step closer.... =( its so so hard now.. im screwed now...

    I thought i was better, but ive just slipped again, im feeling so low. Ive been doing aerosols for most of the day. turned up to my drugs&&alcohol appointment, High as a bloody kite. They took me down to hospital, god noes why, as they cant do anything, as i cant come off the buzz until i do [does that makes sense?] they wanted me to stay in hospital overnight, and they wouldnt let me discharge myself, so ive obscondered. my parents are trying to get me to go back to hospital now, but im refusing. the hospital CPN person, is trying to get hold of my CPN, to be able to talk to me and stuff. I dont want to talk at the moment, if you get what i mean I just want to be on my own, and do my own stuff. but becuase im high risk at the moment, with only coming out of hospital for being unsafe and stuff, they seem to think its for the best, when i no its not. in hospital its so hard to be able to take control and punish myself. I mean by self harming and doing more gas and stuff. ive came off the drink [well almost] so cant they let me keep this for a bit longer, as im not ready to stop all of my coping mechanisms. Police have just contacted me, and they are giving me a chance to hospital, ive told them im on my way, and they've offered to come pick me up but i said no ill come down, so i can have bit more time. they are phoning me in 10 mins to see where abouts i am. I AM NOT GOING BACK THERE. if the police turn up at my house, im gonna get my parents to lie, well try to. the police cant touch me, i dont think. well all i no is only a pyshritrist can detain me under mental health act and put me in hospital, police can detain me in cells, but they wont get that far. Im not going back, i cant take it anymores, i realy cant. i just want to curl up in a ball and die right now. Im so scared, I dont want to be sectioned again, i thought i had a really good mood, and every time my moods go to good, it ends up being really bad. its like a self-fulfilling prophecy (bandura) and it always happens. Im so scared i dont no what to do anymores.:blink:
     
  9. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Re: Death is one step closer.... =( its so so hard now.. im screwed now...

    You really need to stay away from the aerosols and all other forms of intoxicants. They do not do anything but cloud your thinking and make depression worse. I am sorry you are as down as you are. It sounds as if your parents want to help you so please let them try. Don't give up.
     
  10. notwanting2live

    notwanting2live Well-Known Member

    The police are downstairs talking to my parents, to see if my parents can coax me into going down. I dont no what to do. my parents dont care, they just dont want the hassle, and they dont want to be branded, as a suicidal maniac. I no i need to stay of aeroslols but im physchological dependent on them, and thats all i can use to cope, as im not drinking as much.

    got to go, i can here my parents and the police coming. thanks

    Xx Sky xX
     
  11. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    You need to go to the hospital and find out about dual diagnosis. You need to come off both the aerosol and drinking. You know that the aerosol kills brain cells everytime you use them. There is a guy here in town who uses aerosol's and he is fried. You try to talk to him and he just stares at you. The lights are on but no one is home. Don't be afraid of the hospital, you have already been there and you know the only thing that bugs me is it is BORING!!You know you need help so why put it off when you know they will catch up to you. You keep playing games with them, they can arrest you for interfearing And you can get up to a year in jail. They don't play so you need to go with them. You are better off going in voluntary, it helps when you are ready to get out. You won't have to go in front of a judge. Good Luck...
     
  12. notwanting2live

    notwanting2live Well-Known Member

    I went to hospital in the end, but thats only becuase i saw the hurt in my family, i didnt do it for me, i just went so my family wouldnt have to put up with me. they released me today, from the general, and they want me to go back into pyschritric hospital ward, which i dont want to because im not nuts. last time i got released from the mental hospital i didnt go in front of a judge, i dont think that happens over here. i dont no. i no aerosols aint the best to have, and i no all the risks, but if it kills me, or stops me thinking for good, then thats better, becuase i wont remember all the pain and stuff. its a bonus if it kills me. what is dual diagnosis?
     
  13. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Dual diagnosis is where they treat you for both your metal health problems and second for your addictions (arisol, and alcohol). It is usually done at a group housing facility. Please what ever you decide leave the arisols alone. All they are going to do is fry your brains!!
     
  14. notwanting2live

    notwanting2live Well-Known Member

    I am trying to stop the aerosols, but it is so hard, it is just as hard to stop breathing, although i would love to stop breathing all together. I see someone from alcohol and drug services because of my drinking and becuase of my substance abuse, becuase the police picked me up on that. Although you cannot actually get done for being on solvents as it is not illegal, but im guessing if you were caught driving under the influence.. sorry going off subject. aeroslols is apart of me, as i have been doing it for years, ive done aerosols for longer than i have drinking so thats saying something. They are still deciding whether i should be sectioned again, becuase last time, it didnt really help, as every night, i was still cutting and i managed to get hold of polish to do aerosols with. dont get me wrong the hospital is v. gd for some people, and obvioulsy i went to some extremes to get the sharps. it dont help me being locked up for several days, even weeks becuase i dont need to be locked up as i aint insane, well insane enough(!) I have to see my CPN tomorrow [monday] if i fail to then i will be sectioned, but if i turn up i have the option to go in voliuntary, but theyve told me if i turn up to see my CPN and say i dont want to go in, and she believes i need to [parents are contacting her tomorrow before my appointment] i will be sectioned against my will [detained under the mental health act (jersey) ammendend 2001 [i fink!] that doesnt seem fair, if they are giving me the option does it? why am i getting told that either way i have to go in, and the only difference is that i walk in myself, or get forced to go? that doesnt make sense?
    i havent done so bad today, i havent been on too many aerosols hense i am able to write properly. it takes alot to make me hit the proper buzz now.
    thank you for suggesting about dual diagnosis, but i dont no if they would do that, as most of the mental health team hate me. i dont think they want to help me, they want me dead as much as i do, becuase i am just a burden.
     
  15. butterflies32

    butterflies32 Well-Known Member

    They do want to help you. I would go in voluntary. being sectioned is not nice and is a horrible experience. Police will come around handcuff you ...(doesn't matter what you are wearing) and ake you in and then you can not decide when you can get out of it.

    Take care
    am here for you.

    Sam
    xxx
     
  16. ibinsanediego

    ibinsanediego Active Member

    Please stay off of the aerosols.... and the drinking... Drugs aren't the answer but try smoking pot instead. It should calm you down and hopefully help you sleep.

    I go on living hoping that things will change... but when nothing changes... I go on living anyway.

    Everyday find something beatiful outside, a flower, a sunset, sunrise, the trees, the smell of honeysuckle, the stars...
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 10, 2008
  17. notwanting2live

    notwanting2live Well-Known Member

    Re: Death is one step closer.... =( ***MAY TRIGGER---METHOD---MAY TRIGGER***

    thanxs guys. i didnt go to my appointment, but simply becuase i was too fucked to go. been drinking and doing aerosols in the middle of night. my parents didnt even no. they called my CPN just to say that i was still in bed, so she decided to do a house call. i ended up in cells last week. on the monday, she said i was fine, but mind ya i stayed in bed, and refused to show her my arms and stuff. im starting to learn how to hide my scars and my cuts. by not doing it on my wrists, but by doing it in other places. Tuesday i went out [still drunk] at about 11am and was out all day and night, my parents contacted my CPN again at about 430pm, and she phoned me, and i was just like yeah im fine, she asked me if i could go see her, and i was like sorry i cant, im somewhere, no where near the clinic. she suggested that she come see me. i couldnt let her see where i was. in the end, i told her i was in the cemetrey spending time with my nan, and she asked me if she could join me, i said no and i told her im going home soon so ill be fine. she told me to leave her a message on her mobile voicemail to say that im home, but ring her from my house phone. i didnt, becuase i didnt go home. parents phoned me again later that evening, telling me that Liz [my CPN] had phoned, i was like oh right ok. hung up. Parents contacted Liz, who contacted police, and police where looking for me. i said no. i didnt want to go anywhere. so i was on the run from about 10pm. it was ok though, as they didnt have a clue where to first look. so i took myself to the countryside, and i dont no if anyone has heard of st catherines woods in jersey, but i went there, found some rope, [method] but i heard peple coming, dont no what they were doing there that late, but you no, so i just hid, turned out it was police. i was fucked. i had to try and get out. i was high as a fucking kite, and steaming at the same time, so imagine how hard it is to sneak out of a woods, and i am a big gal as well. they caught me, and they detained me again. i was then transferred to the mental hospital on the wednesday, and ive only got out i think like two days ago, ive lost track of time and day so its confusing. im not sleeping, theyve put me on some sort of drugs, fluxotine or something. they were gonna put me on something else, cant member what but becuase my drinking and stuff. they still said that i have depression, and that im emotionally unstable. My CPN came to see me next day, and explain to me my rights and stuff, she wasted so much time on me, i feel really bad as it aint fair on her that shes been stuck with me. im losing the plot so much that i cant deal with it. i really do want to die right now, but mind you that through is always with me. im feelign unsafe all the time, but i cant shout out for help. people are trying to help me, but when im in the frame fo mind to kill myself i dont want help i just want to die, its these times. i dont no if the medication is going to work, i have to be weekly assessed for the risk thing, to see if i need to be hospitilized. i cant though. i told work, and they said that becuase i work with vulnerable people, that i have to have a medical note saying that i am safe, before i can come back to work. no one can say that. they cant, its not aloud, as i cant garuntee it and nor can they. my parents wont leave me alone, but like ive said in another thread that i am just pretending that im fine and happy, just so that people dont worry, but i think people are starting to see through it. the police are keeping a close eye on me now, as i am already pyshco, and also becuase of the rape case.
    sorry for the long post.
    By the way, i still cant get off aerosols, because im finding it really hard to deal with day to day life. but i have cut down drinking alot, i onli drank yesterday, i havent drank to day.
    Thanks for the support guys, its shown me people do care, as long as they dont no me, they help me.
     
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