Death is starting to look like a viable option.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by 13acresofhell, Nov 4, 2007.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. 13acresofhell

    13acresofhell Member

    Hi, I’m new here. I’m a 31 year old man and I’ve decided to end my life by my own hand. The journey to this probable end started when I was tortured over the course of several days. The torture included rape, but the rape was far from the worst thing they did to me. By all means, I should be dead already. It’s only by pure luck that I’m here to write this today.

    I’ve made an honest attempt to get my life back together since then, but everything I try ends in failure. It’s like I used up all my luck just surviving, and now I realize that the only reason I survived was to prolong my misery.

    I’ve always been a loner, and I enjoyed being a loner very much, until now that is. Now, I don’t have anyone to talk to, but I guess that’s my own damn fault since I never really cared about anyone anyway. I was seeing a professional but they weren’t helping, so now I’m left alone with my unbearable pain. I carry it with me every waking moment.

    I’m finding it hard to come up with reasons not to end my life. Every day we placate ourselves with distractions while we wait for death. Life is a pointless fluke of nature, and ultimately we’re already dead. If you are not enjoying life, it only makes sense to end it. It makes sense to me at least.

    So, I’ve started putting things in order in preparation for my death. I’ve decided how I want to do it, but I’m still working on other aspects of it. I don’t want any screw ups, so I’m going to take my time and plan this out right.

    It’s definitely not too late for me, this I’ll admit. But I need something, anything, to work out for me. In fact if only one of my attempts to bring my out of this looks promising, I won’t go through with it. Like I said though, I’ve tried nearly everything and have been met only with futility and scorn. So, does anyone have any suggestions that might help me?
     
  2. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    You are a very good writer and appear to be an intelligent individual. First, let me say that I am sorry you had to suffer through such a horrendous ordeal. You mentioned that you had sought professional help, but it didn't seem to work for you. I am wondering if maybe the person you found was not a match for you. sometimes we have to try many different therapists or counselors before we find the one that works for us. Do you have any other support systems in place? Someone you can turn to or talk with? Are there any support groups available in your area? Knowing you don't have to face this alone is very important. I am glad you found us and shared a bit about yourself here. Reaching out for help is one of the first steps. You will find supportive people here, so you don't have to go it alone. There may be some who have shared similar experiences. Feel free to PM me if you need someone to talk with. I will get back with you as soon as I can. Until then, please take care and stay safe. :hug:
     
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and welcome...healing from what you have been through takes time...I know that first hand...I have found that if I make my goals rather small, I can accomplish them, and then I feel better about myself...you have already achieved one goal, posting this thread...congrats...now see if there are ppl you can connect with here to form a supporting relationship...although this is cyber, there are many skills that can be practiced...I am not sure what your intersts are, but finding someone of like interests may be a way to find company in RL...just my thoughts and plez continue to let us know how you are doing...be safe and know we are here...big hugs, J
     
  4. 13acresofhell

    13acresofhell Member

    Thank you for your replies and suggestions. I considered finding another therapist but it took me a while to build up the courage to meet with the first one. I don't want to have to tell another person about what happened to me. Every time I have to recount it it's like I'm living through it again, all I want to do is forget. The only relief from the pain that I can get is from cutting myself. That sounds like a contradictory statement, but it does make me feel better. If you ever saw me you'd never guess that I secretly cut myself. I will continue to read and post here though and maybe I will find some hope before I pass the point of no return.
     
  5. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I do understand where you are coming from on both counts. you are not alone in cutting nor in the hesitancy to tell about what happened. It took me some time to find the right therapist and I didn't always recount to them what had happened. I did find though, with the one I have now, the more we discuss it, the easier it is to verbalize. you begin to desensitize somewhat although the terror has not gone away nor has the pain, I can now at least face it and begin to deal with it. By pushing it away and refusing to deal with it, you can never begin to heal. If you would have told me a year ago that I could openly discuss even a portion of my past to my therapist, i would have laughed in your face. I am not telling you this to focus things on me. i don't want the focus. I am telling you so you know that things can change. There is reason for you to try to move forward and reclaim your life. Don't let the abusers win. :hug:
     
  6. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Glad you will post and continue to get to know us...and I can only say, 'ditto' to what Gentle has said...you deserve good care...please make sure of that...stay safe and big hugs, J
     
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.