death, it's seriousness and your opinions.

Do you feel people are living in a different world when it comes to your suicide?


I'm very serious when I plan. The pain I'm going through is in waves, I'm taking medication PRN- but it comes in waves, and I'm not going through this again for long. I've been through it for 2 years and come back with a few jokes and laughter at having survived, but I'm getting more and more determined to get it over with soon.



I recently went to see members of the CRT, and one of them got defensive, again, when I told them about my suicide. It's as if I go there to get a few congratulations for doing 'everything right' for a while, but when it comes to me being in serious crisis, they sit there in silence and talk about 'distractions,' and say I'm 'argumentative,' for talking about reality.

Reality is that I'm going to die from what happened but nobody believes me because I'm still around after going through everything I've done in the last two years.

That's why my life isn't real.

 

I really believe no-one understands about suicide unless they have those feelings themselves...
People treat suicide as taboo and anyone who broaches the subject is usually treated as you were..
this doesn't help those of us suffering this horrible dis-ease ....what we need is more compassion and empathy.. just my opinion..
I don't know what you did that you think you need to die for but whatever it is dying is not the best option..
I hope you find more help..keep trying..don't give up.
there are people out there who will be more understanding than those you've just encountered.

 

I didn't do anything to mean i should die, it is just when I'm having these waves of flashbacks coming at me every 3 hours for 24 hours, I think, I need out, I can't do this, especially if I'm back at CRT again.

But I agree.

I actually told those two women that you don't know death. You don't know what I'm going through. Your knowledge base anyway is so poor, you don't know about DID, you don't know the extent of PTSD I have. They just got so defensive, not one who I've seen before and knows 'how hard i try'- but the other one did.

I felt like- I dunno, if I went there after cutting/oding or if I had an ED like I had years before, I'd be seen as some kind of pest/trouble. But now, I CAN look after myself now, they see me as an easy client/job, and when I DO get so unwell and I'm STUCK- and when I DO speak out when someone is saying things that are insensitive and not connected to REALITY, they get upset. It's not FOR them to get upset. They are going to deal with very agitated , unwell people who aren't there to please them. They just can't deal with reality and the extent of suffering some people are in. Or maybe they've given up caring and do what's on their protocol which is sit and ask about 'distractions.' What kinda help is that I don't know. They aren't equipped. They aren't trained therapists they are nurses trained so so poorly with serious MH problems, and the only answer is medication and guess what...CBT. CBT is not going to help me and is poor pop MH psychology dished out to people in crisis- which is an INSULT dressed as 'help.' They need to realise their help is POOR, and when i point it out, not to assume I don't want their support which is tiny, but is enough at the time because i've used it so well in the past. When i'm suicidal but not at the point of inpatient admission it's a bad joke sitting there and listening to their silence.

when i see people like this it makes me feel like my life/death isn't real it makes me feel angry/agitated and like they aren't connected to reality.

it's a rant i know, but i needed to say it. i'm feeling slightly better now. i haven't got a flashback in 8 hours and pray the next 24 hours will be peaceful.

thank you for your reply!

 

i told my friend once and his immediate reply was to change the subject, i was baffled at how he never said a thing and kept going on like i said nothing at all. to this day its been never talked about. i fear the same for you.

however the not having those thoughts reasoning might be something to consider..

 

it's ok to rant here as much as you want...if it helps go for it..

 

that sounds upsetting- as something so important to you was ignored. :hug: i can only guess is because s/he felt helpless and didn't want to get involved because it was too heavy/difficult to think about or talk about.

i go nuts when things like this happen because i feel like i'm falling down a void.



IV- thanks, i'm through with yesterday, feeling calmer today, took the PRN medication, just need to rest and hope i'll build on whatever resilience is helping me stick around and endure all this. what i don't get is when i'm in it, how much a danger i'm to myself how close to death i can be, and the reactions are pathetic (and can be all about I Know What's Best For You Child and You Won't Die!) because it reflects their total lack of understanding of what's going on with me. and i'm talking about A+E. the best help i've got was from a therapist who had a better understanding and was more skilled.

for people working in MH they have so little knowledge/training I feel the only way to keep myself safe is to distance myself from their 'help' and find other ways fast/soon if things get to that stage again.

 

I understand what you mean about the health system.....
I've got the best counselor at the moment i've ever had and when I say I'm suicidal she does everything in her power to help me.....in fact more help than I really want at the time...is it possible for you to find another therapist until you find one who understands?

I've heard of this therapy for PTSD and wondered if it would be of use to you...I haven't tried it but have read where others have had it work for them....maybe worth a read..

http://www.emdr.com/briefdes.htm

I'm glad you feel less anxious today....take care

 

yes i've heard of it, thanks for the link, thing is i can't even do the first thing which is 'give a history' it's so dangerous.

i don't have PTSD but DID which is at the other end of the spectrum, meaning yeah- it's complicated and the therapist needs to be skilled, i know what you mean about a good therapist helping you through suicidal feelings it's A BREATH OF FRESH AIR! after all this i'm glad you've got a good therapist. i'm meeting one this thursday and i have hopes. thanks for listening.

 

BIG YES.

Lost all my friends and my doctors are even in denial. the reall illness is the peopleo n the outside that can't see and REALIZE that suicide is real. they are do desensitized and self abosrbed about the superficialities of life.

it takes suicide for them to then realize that people are serious about it.....what annoys me is that suicide prevention organizations always refer SURVIVORS as the family of the loved ones they lost....SICK! THE REAL SURVIVORS ARE THE FOLKS ON THIS BOARD EVERYDAY FRICKIN DAY TRYING TO GET THRU THE DARKNESS....WE ARE SURVIVING THE BEST WE CAN.,.....AND SOME OF US WILL NTO MAKE IT.

 

yes yes yes. :hug: you know what i'm talking about thank you so much for sharing your thoughts, it means more than you know.
i doubt they give a shit when people die though. it's just another statistic for them, and i get so angry i don't want to be a death statistic, or a stone on the ground that people can piss over with their sudden realisation/shock (if they feel anything) that OMG, this girl has been fighting death for how many years and it took over one day!
i've fought so hard to get physically recovered+ healing whatever wounds inside that meant i was self destructing so seriously for years, the emotional/mental pain with having NO numbing for pain without an ED is something people just don't get, (it's like someone who used drugs seriously/hard/was addicted and dying for 12-13 yrs who has NO DRUGS to numb now) seeing how i nearly died from my ED, the underlying trauma was so horrific. and even my recovery from the ED is met by nothing by those who don't appreciate what i've done by myself yelling at everyone, struggling with long term homelessness and staying inside and keeping safe, and where i am now, WHAT ANOREXIA WAS IN THE CONTEXT OF WHAT I WAS COPING WITH, and i feel like i'm talking to nothing, or people who themselves are so wound up with dying, numbing, not looking at serious problems because it's too difficult and distracting themselves in whatever way to get away from their own personal issues

people die, when i go into hospital it's because i am so close to jumping if i haven't jumped already.

i hate being told "glad you're better" after i get though something serious, because that something serious was not looked at closely. I . AM. NOT. BETTER. when it comes to flashbacks, it's just a respite from the pain which will inevitably come back, i'm used to the pattern now.

 

Ditto. and I'm so numb from faking it ....now I can't even fake it.

We have a bit in common....ED & Jumping. Gawd, another day :unsure:

 

trying to distract or not face feelings makes me worse when i'm like this-
you don't need to fake it here, i hear you

thank you for talking to me. :hug:

 

Likewise )

 

the one major thing stopping me is the thought of my funeral.

i think about my funeral a hell of a lot,
and what people generally do when someone dies
the anger i feel is unimaginable. it'd be much easier if i didn't feel angry, couldn't give a fuck and let them do what they want,

but that offends me.

what does it matter,
i was and am invisible by the people who claimed 'love'
and the damage,injuries and the closeness of my death, always went unheard by those people.

 

I'm scared...

 

i don't know what to say, i know the fear.
-
but an update, the therapist is good, not amazing but alright. much better than the hospital staff, seemed a lot more keyed into what i go through, which i've discovered more about recently, so very glad to be still around- she's going to help me get myself together a bit and explore the issues that needs to be sorted, safely. she seemed to know about safety which was good.

key here is keep searching till you meet a person that hears you somewhat. if you live in an area where you can do that and can afford it. i'm in london and i'm careful with money, so i'm pretty fortunate that way.

 

it's a day after yesterday and my gut is saying no to this woman, there's so many things that i had trouble with yesterday which i'm not going to ignore, because if i do- i end up wasting my time with a therapist for the sake of "she's better than ABC in hospital." while paying an extortionate amount (to me anyway, she is a therapist charging me the highest fee i've ever been to) a week.

no way.

 

i told my boyfriend recently. he got incredably angry with me and rather upset. i dont think he can forgive me for what ive done

 

you did nothing wrong, his anger and feelings of being upset are more to do with him than you, always remember that.

:hug:

i'm thinking about going back to my previous therapist and figuring how to sort some things out by talking about why the relationship deteriorated a few months ago and what she needs to work with rather than ignore. she and her -the therapist before, who i saw for 2 years had a degree of LIFE and realised how natural my feelings were, what helped me, what i was doing instinctively, and tried to help me harness how i've been healing to make my own resources stronger.

i think what repels me is when you go and see a very cold, lifeless therapist. i feel like i'm in desert, an urban desert living in this city, with people (in this case private therapists) who are hollow and empty and like to dress themselves up a lot with a lot of things about "nature" and "spirituality" but in essence, i'm very empathetic, i can see through bullshit. i'm a people-person, i can read people very well, and i can certainly tell falseness, and talking out of the arse in the first meeting. there were many instances of this yesterday which were alarm bells for me.

and especially when i'm searching for someone to help me cope with a complex MH problem at times when i feel very isolated/alone with fear, death and flashbacks, this becomes more and more clear.