Death of a brother unacceptable.

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by Bawsed, May 22, 2008.

  1. Bawsed

    Bawsed Member

    It's been exactly one week since my brother killed himself... rather horribly. The truth is that it's been bothering me alot.

    He had a perfect life... a PERFECT life. He has the most gorgeous woman for a wife, and three top-of-the-class gorgeous daughters. He had a successful small business, an absolutely wicked automobile, and perhaps the most perfect little house I've ever seen. Even his pets are perfect little creatures of dignity and friendship.

    He had no reason to die, but he did anyway. And the worst part is that instead of grieving like a normal human being, I feel nothing but anger towards him. Anger that he was the "smart one", but he still somehow managed to think that death was a better option than his "horrible" life. What sort of fucking moron does that?
     
  2. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    i am truly sorry to read about your loss.

    i do not write this is not an excuse, but i want you to know that when people are suffering from depression or some other mental illness our thoughts are completely tangled and messed up. from the outside our lives might look great, but internally we are in great pain, and often believe ourselves to be without worth, and even that we might be doing everyone a favour by leaving. it's all a lie, but we believe it to be the truth.

    there are many support groups for survivors, would you consider getting in touch with one of them so that you have some support during this terrible time?
     
  3. I am also very sorry for your loss! I've had two suicides in my own immediate family in the past. And as was said above, seeking out avenues of support for yourself would be very helpful. Grief is a very personal and unique journey for each of us, with many conflicting feelings - rage and/or shock not being the least of them initially, even bypassing denial. And along with this, especially when in such circumstances as yours, comes the realization that our perceptions of others are never really complete - no matter how much we love them and think we know them. And I hope that eventually there will come a time when you are able to entertain the notion of being gentle with yourself (and accepting of the process you must now go through), as well as trying to fathom someone else's profound internal suffering of which you were not previously aware of. :sad:
     
  4. malenka

    malenka Member

    Bawsed, sometimes people let you see what they want you to see and hide the rest. Unfortunately he didn't want for you, or anyone else, including the closest person in his life, to see the desperate side of the things he saw in his head.
    Heartbreaking, it is, I feel your pain, for I too am a mourner of suicider.
    But people create this bubble, their own world, and for 'smart ones' is even worse to admit failing in what ever field they feel they failed. It is hard for them I guess to seek help.The lady I mourn was a member of MENSA, the most organised, the family wikipedia, the traveled the world, looking to retirement job, beautifull house, huge koi fish she was so proud of, and one morning she ends it with a very violent death. She knew there is no chance for mistake. It wasn't a cry for help, an attempt, it was definite and she knew it.

    I am ever so sorry for your loss. Anger is one form of grieving. I am very angry too, but I hope that one day soon, I will be able to simply be sad for her rather than angry. I hope that happen for you too hun. Take care!
     
  5. Bawsed

    Bawsed Member

    I understand that, believe me; I've been suffering from depression for many years now. I just don't understand why he couldn't get help. He has somebody to live for, and he, as another poster said, wanted it to be definite. It wasn't a cry for help. Whereas I don't have anybody to live for, and somehow I'm still here. Does that make sense? It's cruel.

    I'm sorry for yours too, but I think I want to hang onto the anger for awhile. I'm not much of a crier, so the bitterness is easier for me to handle, I think.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: May 23, 2008