death or just not living?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by gelfling, Jun 14, 2014.

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  1. gelfling

    gelfling Active Member

    It's not so much that I want to die as much as it is I just don't want to live anymore. No one understands what the chaos inside my head is like. How no matter what you do, medication, therapy, CBT, dbt, meditation, exercise, being with people......none of it stops the little gremlins in my mind from making everything more difficult, tainted, off, just missing the mark of actually enjoyable. I feel like a prisoner. Trapped in a jail that has no reason, no rules, just arbitrary punishment for just about everything. Sleep is often the only escape but the prison and gremlins often sneak in there too. Death or unconsciousness are the only true release.
  2. Isaak

    Isaak Active Member

    Sometimes it's not so much as yearning for death, but rather ending one's torment.

    What are the gremlins from?
  3. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    I really understand the don't want to die just tired from living line, I'm really sorry you feel that way. I don't really have any suggestions just wanted you to know you aren't alone, I hope you start to feel better soon

  4. gelfling

    gelfling Active Member

    Thanks for the support. It is lonely being around people who don't understand. One way or another I will feel better, right?
  5. gelfling

    gelfling Active Member

    Exactly. The gremlins are the bad thoughts and urges that make most of the day hard and nights forever long.
  6. Isaak

    Isaak Active Member

    One way you will cease to exist-- you will not feel better, you will not feel worse, you will not feel, you will not be.

    And then there are other ways, more hopeful ways in which you will feel better.
  7. gelfling

    gelfling Active Member

    Maybe I deserve nothingness
  8. Turtle

    Turtle Member

    No one deserves nothingness
  9. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I can understand what you are going through. Like you, I cannot see no point in living but just keep going on in a state of numbness, But, you need to live your life as there is a purpose. I am suffering depression but keep managing on a daily basis. It's hard but you have to fight it and do not let it over your life. Please speak to some one or keep posting. You deserve to live as one day you will find happiness.
  10. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I second that. Have you thought about group therapy, I think that would be a good option for you. And, yes I believe you will get better...maybe you feel like you have tried everything but maybe it just needs time because time heals.
  11. gelfling

    gelfling Active Member

    Isaak you asked what the gremlins are from....I misread what are they, sorry.

    The gremlins have been with me a long time.

    The depression got acutely bad after a bad accident at work where a patient tried to permanently rearrange my face. I am not a particularly vain person, but day in and day out questions about what happened to me questions like that didn't happen here or the audible gasps when people would meet me were difficult.

    The panic attacks were worse.

    Getting fired for having a panic attack at work and being branded too much trouble was unbearable but oddly a bit of a relief.

    Continuing to do the work was very difficult, led to not sleeping, then exercising to try and feel better, starting on medication that woke me from a sound sleep with a compulsion to take all of it right now and a doctor who blew me off when I tried to talk to him about what the meds were making me feel.

    A call to a former client to start therapy

    A visit from family who told me my life's work was a complete waste of time

    Stopped eating because nothing else made me feel good or really feel anything and failed at that so started other destructive behaviors.

    A tearful call to my therapist only to find she had breast cancer and was no longer practicing, but her husband a psychologist was willing to talk to me and hearing the pain in my voice gave me a referral to a psychiatrist who ultimately committed me three times, therapists who tossed me aside for my suicidal tendencies, several attempts, ONE really good attempt that would have succeeded but I made the mistake of calling an old friend to apologize, several day programs, sooooooooo many different medications, withdrawals from medications,

    And one blissful year with no real suicidal or depressive thoughts.

    Until recently and the gradual fall back into its grasp.

    The calls to try and get seen by a psychiatrist and being put on a three week waiting list to be seen.

    -ha, in three weeks I could be better or dead! But not feeling like the receptionist deserves to know I am suicidal I don't tell her how urgently I really need to be seen.

    The only therapist not afraid to see me is my former client, the psychologist.

    I have been thrown aside by the system repeatedly, treated like garbage by nurses and staff in the hospitals for overdosing - how dare I take them away from someone who actually needs and deserves their help. To see the contempt in their eyes. But that doesn't stop them from pumping me for answers about their pets. To be punished for telling staff about suicidal thoughts, to be denied treatment for my heart condition because they didn't want to let me off the psych ward. And most of this I asked for. Naively believing that the health care workers actually want to help people get well. I think a lot of them only do it because it is easy. Cage the animals, make sure they are fed, strip them of dignity, and keep them over medicated so they are just sheep until their insurance runs out and then toss them back out with no tools skills or support to make it in the real world.

    This is where the gremlins come from. My frailties, mistakes, stupidity only feed them and make them bolder. The insomnia takes all locks off the doors in my mind and gives them all sorts of things to play with in there.
  12. gelfling

    gelfling Active Member

    thank you incrisis99 and music. I am in therapy and am going to bite the bullet and get on that flipping waiting list next week to see the pdoc and get back on meds. Hate the meds but if they stop the anxiety before it becomes a freight train that hits me out of the blue for no reason, so be it. They do help with the irritability. It is the next 6-8 weeks that have me worried because I know just how out of control I can go. And how fast it can happen. And I have access to all sorts of good things that would end things fairly easily and quickly, all it takes is that one impulse, you know? That one that grabs and won't let go invisibly propelling you forward into the abyss
  13. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Psychological prisons and gremlins - I know them well - but I also know that there are new ways of thinking that can free the mind from these things. Each person is different, but the principle(s) is/are the same. For me it has been a long journey of learning how to put these principles into practice so they work for me - so it has not been an overnight thing, but I do know and can absolutely vouch for that the prison I was in no longer exists (unless I choose to dwell on it) and I have learned my power over the gremlins. Would be happy to discuss in PMs if you'd like - ...... just wanted to say that there is always another way other than death or unconsciousness for a true release, and my God, if it can work for me, it can work for anyone........ :)
  14. AAA3330

    AAA3330 Well-Known Member

    I too have many of the types of feelings as you. I feel trapped inside of my own mind. I found a new place that I can get some talk therapy. It's really my only chance at this point as the meds haven't helped me. Sorry that you have to suffer. Nobody should have to suffer through life like us. It just seems so unfair.
  15. Faceless

    Faceless New Member

    I am familiar with the majority of what you write. In my case, there's a lot going on in my home, however I do just feel like I'm living a kind of tainted routine. There's no clarity in my thought process, everything in my head is a muddle and like its about to explode - I never feel at ease. I don't know if this relates to an undiagnosed condition, or just stress and depression, affecting my mental outlook.

    I'm approaching 40 and feel I've lived long enough to understand what life has to give - and I'm tired of it all now, society certainly has nothing of value to offer (just takes advantage and mocks).
    I know I'm not going to live to old age - my death will come when I am done with living each day as a struggle.
  16. overdue

    overdue Member

    Me too, people. I know what gelfling means by "gremlins". But I call it "the storms inside my head".

    and urPrecious, if you want to share about how you learned to deal/cope with this, id be very interested.

    has anyone ever heard "Beyond the Realms of Death" by Judas Priest? it goes:

    "he had enough/couldn't take anymore/he found a place, in his mind, and slammed the door
    no matter how they tried, they couldn't understand/washed and dressed him, fed him by hand

    I left the world behind!
    I am safe here, in my mind!
    I'm free to speak, with my own kind
    This is my life, my life, i'll decide, not you!

    Withdraw, he'd sit there, staring into space
    no sign of life, or flicker on his face
    until one day he smiled, it seemed, as though with pride
    the wind kissed him goodbye, and then he died..."

    its depressing. its decades old, but I only heard it for the first time two years ago. whoever wrote this also understands you, gelfling.

    its an invisible, silent torture.
  17. Isaak

    Isaak Active Member

    So if I am understanding what several of you have written, the agony comes from feeling that you are untreatable and that life (and the people therein) has little to offer anyway-- am I off-base?

    I think life is beautiful, and I know in my gut that I am treatable, I just can't do it on my own (from a pragmatic and a pyschophilosphical sense). Without that help, that faith, that vision of the future, when my sould dies, then it's a wretched acceptance that life is over for me.
  18. gelfling

    gelfling Active Member

    Isaak - I think my trouble comes with not understanding why it comes, why I can't seem to fix it. The more I struggle with it the worse it often seems to become. My family and friends don't understand and it scares them and at times I think it bores them. I know these thoughts are probably temporary. I know the signs that I am getting in trouble. The problem I run into is getting the help I need in a timely fashion to get the treatment I need to get back on track. And when I start to have trouble I give in to the urges to hurt myself, to take the risks with meds or other things. I do not expect this to just "poof" magically go away. I know I have to be proactive. It is all the ups and downs along the way that really wear me out and leave me asking, why? Why do I bother?
  19. emily83

    emily83 Well-Known Member

    it is. lonely and sad

    you end up feeling like you're the only person going through it.

    it sucks
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