It's not so much that I want to die as much as it is I just don't want to live anymore. No one understands what the chaos inside my head is like. How no matter what you do, medication, therapy, CBT, dbt, meditation, exercise, being with people......none of it stops the little gremlins in my mind from making everything more difficult, tainted, off, just missing the mark of actually enjoyable. I feel like a prisoner. Trapped in a jail that has no reason, no rules, just arbitrary punishment for just about everything. Sleep is often the only escape but the prison and gremlins often sneak in there too. Death or unconsciousness are the only true release.