Death=Peace?

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Iamnothing, Mar 19, 2013.

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  1. Iamnothing

    Iamnothing New Member

    Fired my Dr. of about 12 years about 3-4 weeks ago after several appointments where she had no clue what medications I was taking, and even called in prescriptions for meds she had told me to stop taking months earlier. The final straw was when she asked me if I had ever attempted suicide. Twelve freak'n years and she doesn't even know my history! I also decided that I've had enough with doctors, hospitals and every medication known to man. Have been tapering off anti-depressants, anti-psychotics and mood stabilizers since last/final appointment. Spent most of last night unable to sleep, sobbing into my pillow, unable to rid my head thoughts of/plans for suicide. Stayed home from work today fully intending to die. Alternating between trying to find an effective distraction and bawling my eyes out. No one to talk to about how I'm feeling without being judged or institutionalized. Can't even talk about it with my wife of 27+ years. She says I should just smile and be happy. And gave me a ration of crap for not keeping a dinner date with a friend tonight. Filled with unbearable mental pain and anguish and excruciating physical pain, and have no hope for the future. I yearn to finally achieve peace.
     
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi Iam...when we leave a relationship, even one as you did, there are many reactions especially if there is not closure...do you feel you would benefit from writing a letter and stating your dismay? Also, because one person treated us poorly, it does not mean the search should be over...you deserve to be happy...that does not mean to pretend to be anything other than who you are...I am so glad you decided to join us and I hope you use this forum as a place to be yourself...many of us can relate...lastly, would there be any value going to therapy with your wife so that she does not have to dismiss how you are feeling? Welcome again
     
  3. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I am sorry for your difficult situation and pain. It is clear why you found frustration with the Dr and perhaps by correlation with the meds.
    I would like to point out something that I commonly observe on here and in real life. After deciding th emedications are not working people stop taking them. Then anywhere from a week to a month later they are worse than ever and unable to do anything except cry and plan suicide. It seems the correlation between having stopped the medications and the current complete despair and inability to cope is often overlooked.
    Medications will not "make you happy" - that is not even what they are designed to do- but they can make you more able to cope with situations in a way that will give you the strength to consider making changes that could result in greater happiness. By taking away the medications at the same time as you are trying to cope with this situation you are making it unnecessarily harder on yourself. I would give some serious rethinking to the efficacy of the medications and continued use- even if under the guidace of a different Dr. Further - if you do want to reduce medications than 1 at a time over a period of time so you can adjust to the additional difficulties slowly and have a better idea which is actually helping.
    It is nearly impossible to judge for yourself - the observations of your spouse or another person are useful in determining if mood is and state are being effected. This is because as the medication leaves and deeper despair sets in it is too difficult to determine a reason or cause by ourselves. The depression and despair simply tells us it never was and never will be better - both of which are usually wrong but our perception is altered too much to see this for ourselves.
     
  4. Iamnothing

    Iamnothing New Member

    Sadeyes, JmpMaster,

    Thank you for your advice and support!

    I haven't felt this suicidal in quite some time. And it came on so very quickly and unexpectedly after stopping the meds and pummeled me really hard.

    So Tuesday evening I started taking meds again. I'm doing a bit better now.

    Looking for a new doctor.

    It really sucks to find that I have to rely on drugs to keep these demons in check. Also a bitter pill to swallow finding that my wife just either doesn't understand what I'm going through after all these years or, maybe worse, just doesn't care.

    Anyhow, I'm glad that I came here and I'm glad that you were there for me. Thanks!
     
  5. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I am very glad to hear they might be helping even a little. As well as antidepressants and such millions of people rely on bloodpressure pills, diabetes medications, and of course antibiotics for survival -- nothing makes one more "okay" as a tool than another - if it helps then then good , if not try another one.

    I am sorry for the lack of support from the spouse. When you are feeling a little stronger and in a better place maybe that is something you can address with her or even better if you find a new Dr you are comfortable with maybe invite her for a visit. It might open up the communication some and allow her to ask questions of a third party that she is hesitant to ask you?

    Stay strong and keep stopping by.

    Ben
     
  6. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    glad the meds do something for you - i've not had luck in that area

    also completely understand why you would leave that doc - stopped going to a pain specialist who was trying to treat a months-long constant headache after he kept trying to prescribe the same medication i had told him time and again that i was allergic to
     
  7. katrina77

    katrina77 Guest

    I'm so glad to hear that the meds are helping a bit. Shame on your doctor for not taking the time to keep up on your medical history. Makes you wonder what you are paying for.

    I can completely identify with your feelings on your spouse. I've been married for 28 years, and my husband acts the same. I don't know if they just can't understand where we are at, or have issues with empathy or what their problems are. But I know how painful and frustrating it can be.

    I sure hope things get better. If necessary, find another doc, one who does their job.
     
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