I envy people who were sentenced to condemnation.. I was arrested for my fifth attempt and it was just a year ago.. I appeared in the court of law under police custody and the judge was talking to me in a very stern and strict voice.. I pleaded guilty and i asked for condemnation (sentence to the death penalty).. The judge went soft on me and get the court pyschologist to see me immediately.. I was right in the prosecution dock and i used the microphone and right in front of all the lawyers and other civilians plus my prosecution officers, i pleaded for them to sentence me to death.. I also didn't know where i get the courage from to say something like that.. I told the judge that i admit guilty of my own mistake and i would be happy to be sentence to death.. The police officer (investigating officer) who took my statement was shocked to hear that from me.. Was being remanded in the mental hospital for 2 weeks after that.. Was not given any medications because i was given the first dose of everything and all i get was serious allergic reaction (my asthma).. Was being counselled by all the nurses on the ward and it didn't work. Was being put under CBT but also didn't work.. Was being asked to write out my feelings on paper but all i did was drawing a hangman picture on the paper.. Was being hauled back to court 2 weeks later and was fined and imprisoned for 1 day. Didn't get well from suicidal thoughts and was a few months later before i get to know someone from my school who was an avid marathon runner who has changed my life up to this day.. Thanks for that.. I joined marathons is not because i enjoyed running or someone who benefit from endorphins.. I joined marathons to learn the lessons which i cannot learn in a classroom setting.. I can't run fast ( i started running fast and my asthma will slow me down).. Marathons are just races to allow you to see your own achievements at the end of every race.. Completing every single marathon races are just evidences to show to yourself that you are NOT a failure and NOT a loser.. Whether you complete the marathon within cut-off time or not, as long as you complete the marathon, you are already a FINISHER and a WINNER in your own race.. I am feeling down today but i am not going to kill myself (locked my windows and my grills and threw out all sharp items).. Just sit down and stare at the computer screen and looking at my marathon medals from time to time.. I am fighting it and i am going to fight it very fiercely and aggressively.. I am not going to let suicide overcome me.. So i am trying it and i hope you also will fight your suicide thoughts too.. Thank you for reading my rubbish..