I should note that I am on the pills right now and don't feel so bad than I normally do. This is the first time me taking them, but even though I'm calm, even after my mothers drinking rage, I still want to go. I feel fine, but I still don't want to live. I hate knowing that for the rest of my life I have to spend at least 40 hours working at a job and slaving away. I hate knowing that I have to slave away to afford a place to sleep, so I can go back to work again. I hate how no matter what happened today, or in the future, something bad will always happen, even if it's not to me. I just find no pleasure living in this world. I'd rather read my books all day rather than interact with reality, but my books can only take me so far. I have no motivation, or desire. I may feel content, but I know I'm still not happy. I don't want to do anything and I don't want to try. I think I'm okay with just leaving. Does that make me crazy? or.. maybe aware? No one should be afraid to die. We all end up there one way, or another.