Hello guys, I just found this website and decided to write couple of things. I don't know if I'll commit suicide by the next sunset, but one could die just by accident. Here's an interesting thing for you: I do not feel suicidal, but rather, I'm living suicidal. 3 days ago I did rock climbing without gear; I drove my car through a crossroad while the red light was on. Bottom of the line, I started to live without rules and worries. And I just don't care about death anymore. Everyone dies, one way or another. Death is a very private event. Could be beautiful albeit the pain... i just wasn't this kind of person. If you get what I mean: I have grown a death-wish. A lot of things are wrong in my life. Many things. I used to rant a lot, cry a lot, curse the God and whatever that is. It didnt help to remove immediate pain. Usually my unconscious mind resolved the issues. However, temporarily. Pain builds up later again, cos we humans are social animals living in an extremely dysfunctional society. Now, I simply feel lost. And out of that feeling, a certain kind of death-wish recently emerged. After all, the people that care about me - my parents, that is - live in the other continent. If I die now, they wouldn't know it for a very good while. I am just looking for a restart button. Wish it was like a game. Life, that is. The age is wrong, hence the people are wrong. Could have been easier if a World War sparks off. Then we get to see blacks and whites. At the minute, things are all grey, blurry. Hard to perceive. Suffocating. I shall continue with my improvisational take of daily life. I feel that the closer I am to death, the more I feel alive. And living for death has become my purpose. Maybe death finds me tomorrow, maybe not. So, rather than an ancient noble suicide, like <mod edit: *sparkle*: methods>, i just look for the death. Don't know if any of you felt this. I just look for death, because it is private. It might matter. It might understand you. It might love you. Death is you. Then what is life? So far it didn't make any sense to me. It's just too random and painful with all those desires and such, go high up, then fall swiftly. Downs are too much as opposed to ups. There doesn't seem to be any balance in this life. It's just stupid. Maybe death has the answers. Wish I could meet someone who had seen the other side of eden.