So this is hell on earth. I honestly cant imagine anyone feeling the way I do. To each is cast to their own version of hell. So its different from person to person. I hate being me. I hate the fact I was born into this world. Being the way I am. I have so many issues there isnt really a place to start. There is no beginning and there is no end to this. Death will be the only thing I can look forward to. Being young still, makes it hard. Still gotta long way to go. Til im free. Takethislife is the name of this forum. I would utter the same words to God. Take this life and the lives of everyone in the world who is suffering hell on earth. Why would you put me here in this jungle. Im just a mouse trying to survive among lions and snakes. It wont let go of me. Like a curse. It wont stop. It never ends. Like a disease spreading until it has consumed every thought and emotion. Im dead. Im dead to myself and im dead to my family. There is not much left of me as Ive been stripped bare by this world. Is it so wrong to want to save oneself from persecution and unbearable agony? Were not talking about physical poverty. Im talking mental poverty. When you lose your mind, you really have less than nothing. God made a example out of me. I was born to be the example of everything opposite of beauty and happiness. Im the worse type of person there is. Everything a person would kill not to be. How in the world can I find happiness here? How would it be possible for a person like me? I'm ugly. Physically appaulling. Been teased and abused as long as i can remember. See I cant change human nature. I cant change the way the world reacts to me. Theres nothing I could do. Noone will ever know anything past what they see with their own two eyes. Being different. Being ugly. It just puts a big target on your forehead. So others can seperate themselves from you and distiguish what is beautiful and what is ugly. We humans. We are such viscious and wretched creatures. Its like we cant survive without putting others down or hurting others to make us feel better about ourselves or more valueable. God help you if you want to be different, unique or, yourself. Mentally I have sunk and isolated myself so much that i cant go out anymore. I cant take seeing attractive or beautiful people. I cant take seeing couples. One thing about looking the way I do, having to live in this skin is that it makes love impossible to find and or obtain. Because even the kindest heart woman cant get past the looks. The way you look greatly determines the way your life will be. Who you can date, who your friends are, how secure you feel, what type of work you can do, and your self esteem. I got hit with every genetic flaw know to man. Top it off with mental illnesses and disorders and you got yourself the perfect recipe for a sad, depressed, lonely and utterly empty existence. Hell on earth. I dont know whats worse. beign ugly or being so utterly weak. Fear and anxiety has destroyed my life. I cant take a breath without feeling it. i cant take a step in my life without it being there right next to me. Every dream ive had whether its goign to college, taking a flight, dating, looking for a job, or anything i ever do to step out int the world and take back my life, it kills it. It is the most frustrating thing in my life. It is beyond my understanding. And I hate myself because i cant overcome or defeat it. I let my fears take away any and every chance i have had in life. And the older ive gotten the worse it has been. You know i see people walking around, at stores, or on tv and i jus cant imagine what its like to be them. To be blessed with so much. My envy is so intense. I literally get panic attacks if i even see the glimpse of another person. Life is so kind to someone who doesnt have to be called ugly a billion times. Or abused because of the way they were born. Or rejected by the opposite sex. Its like being born with a treasure in itself. Some people look like walking art. And I cant help but to run home and cry and ask why me? Why do I have to be me. Why do I have to be this creature. I have such a big heart. Im sucha good person. I would have been so appreciative. i would have neve rhurt anyone else or put anyone down. To have that type of life where love comes knocking on your door. You can look in the mirror ad say you love yourself. To feel good about yourself, to have confidence. Every day when im alone I drift off into my own little fantasy world, where im a handsome person with a wife, kids and a dog. Just a everyday man that works and comes home to a loving family. Able to be strong and confident. If im lucky some of my dreams are that way too. But its hard to wake up from that dream, back into this nightmare. These people are living the life that I can only dream. And taking for granted things I would kill for. I have to spend the rest of my pathetic life wondering what a kiss is like. Or holding someones hand. Or holding someone around their waist. Or goign to watcha movie or out to dinner. Holding my child. Runnign around the yard with my son or daughter. A simple valentines day card from my wife. This is what I dream, everyday. What i wouldnt give to be someone else just for one day. Death would be a gift. I have no interest in this life and being me. This is a world that cannot tolerate my existence. A world that was not made for people like me to be successful or happy. See you have to be born with certain things. My life and fate was determined for me the moment i was onceived. To have so little of the essential things that make life special. To be dealt with these cards and forced to play it out. Make the best out of it. I dont care the way the world is and how people are. I understand. If I was handsome and beautiful, maybe I couldnt help but to be the same way. If God thought enough to at least give me the strength and thick skin to endure the abuse and the misfortune of being ugly and disadvantaged. I wish I wasnt a coward. I wish I could kill myself Id do it now with a dull knife. The best i ever did was take a bunch of pills. But this time I dont want to wake up in a hospital with a stomach ache. I dont know what holds me back. It cant be hope. How many times am I going to be fooled to believe that. Hop is such a insidous word. Something hollow hold on to just to prolong your suffering. I cant take the pain anymore. You know. The life you know. All the things you take for granted. The people you hurt. The power of beauty and the joys you have. Its not gonna last. If I can take pleasure in one thing its knowing that even the beautiful and powerful will lose it all. That death is promised to everyone. Your turn will come. I wish I could see your tears when your beauty fades. Those handsome features are rearranged. When death creeps upon you. When you start getting sick and money cant make you happy anymore. And we all return to the dirt. I want to be there to welcome you. And smile. Cos were all the same now. Just a bunch of rotten souls. Your beauty, power, and money means nothing here. Welcome.