Death would be a gift

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Multiple Man, Oct 16, 2006.

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  1. Multiple Man

    Multiple Man Well-Known Member

    So this is hell on earth. I honestly cant imagine anyone feeling the way I do. To each is cast to their own version of hell. So its different from person to person. I hate being me. I hate the fact I was born into this world. Being the way I am. I have so many issues there isnt really a place to start. There is no beginning and there is no end to this. Death will be the only thing I can look forward to. Being young still, makes it hard. Still gotta long way to go. Til im free. Takethislife is the name of this forum. I would utter the same words to God. Take this life and the lives of everyone in the world who is suffering hell on earth. Why would you put me here in this jungle. Im just a mouse trying to survive among lions and snakes.

    It wont let go of me. Like a curse. It wont stop. It never ends. Like a disease spreading until it has consumed every thought and emotion. Im dead. Im dead to myself and im dead to my family. There is not much left of me as Ive been stripped bare by this world. Is it so wrong to want to save oneself from persecution and unbearable agony? Were not talking about physical poverty. Im talking mental poverty. When you lose your mind, you really have less than nothing.

    God made a example out of me. I was born to be the example of everything opposite of beauty and happiness. Im the worse type of person there is. Everything a person would kill not to be. How in the world can I find happiness here? How would it be possible for a person like me? I'm ugly. Physically appaulling. Been teased and abused as long as i can remember. See I cant change human nature. I cant change the way the world reacts to me. Theres nothing I could do. Noone will ever know anything past what they see with their own two eyes. Being different. Being ugly. It just puts a big target on your forehead. So others can seperate themselves from you and distiguish what is beautiful and what is ugly. We humans. We are such viscious and wretched creatures. Its like we cant survive without putting others down or hurting others to make us feel better about ourselves or more valueable. God help you if you want to be different, unique or, yourself.

    Mentally I have sunk and isolated myself so much that i cant go out anymore. I cant take seeing attractive or beautiful people. I cant take seeing couples. One thing about looking the way I do, having to live in this skin is that it makes love impossible to find and or obtain. Because even the kindest heart woman cant get past the looks. The way you look greatly determines the way your life will be. Who you can date, who your friends are, how secure you feel, what type of work you can do, and your self esteem. I got hit with every genetic flaw know to man. Top it off with mental illnesses and disorders and you got yourself the perfect recipe for a sad, depressed, lonely and utterly empty existence. Hell on earth.

    I dont know whats worse. beign ugly or being so utterly weak. Fear and anxiety has destroyed my life. I cant take a breath without feeling it. i cant take a step in my life without it being there right next to me. Every dream ive had whether its goign to college, taking a flight, dating, looking for a job, or anything i ever do to step out int the world and take back my life, it kills it. It is the most frustrating thing in my life. It is beyond my understanding. And I hate myself because i cant overcome or defeat it. I let my fears take away any and every chance i have had in life. And the older ive gotten the worse it has been.

    You know i see people walking around, at stores, or on tv and i jus cant imagine what its like to be them. To be blessed with so much. My envy is so intense. I literally get panic attacks if i even see the glimpse of another person. Life is so kind to someone who doesnt have to be called ugly a billion times. Or abused because of the way they were born. Or rejected by the opposite sex. Its like being born with a treasure in itself. Some people look like walking art. And I cant help but to run home and cry and ask why me? Why do I have to be me. Why do I have to be this creature. I have such a big heart. Im sucha good person. I would have been so appreciative. i would have neve rhurt anyone else or put anyone down. To have that type of life where love comes knocking on your door. You can look in the mirror ad say you love yourself. To feel good about yourself, to have confidence. Every day when im alone I drift off into my own little fantasy world, where im a handsome person with a wife, kids and a dog. Just a everyday man that works and comes home to a loving family. Able to be strong and confident. If im lucky some of my dreams are that way too. But its hard to wake up from that dream, back into this nightmare.

    These people are living the life that I can only dream. And taking for granted things I would kill for. I have to spend the rest of my pathetic life wondering what a kiss is like. Or holding someones hand. Or holding someone around their waist. Or goign to watcha movie or out to dinner. Holding my child. Runnign around the yard with my son or daughter. A simple valentines day card from my wife. This is what I dream, everyday. What i wouldnt give to be someone else just for one day.

    Death would be a gift. I have no interest in this life and being me. This is a world that cannot tolerate my existence. A world that was not made for people like me to be successful or happy. See you have to be born with certain things. My life and fate was determined for me the moment i was onceived. To have so little of the essential things that make life special. To be dealt with these cards and forced to play it out. Make the best out of it. I dont care the way the world is and how people are. I understand. If I was handsome and beautiful, maybe I couldnt help but to be the same way. If God thought enough to at least give me the strength and thick skin to endure the abuse and the misfortune of being ugly and disadvantaged. I wish I wasnt a coward. I wish I could kill myself Id do it now with a dull knife. The best i ever did was take a bunch of pills. But this time I dont want to wake up in a hospital with a stomach ache. I dont know what holds me back. It cant be hope. How many times am I going to be fooled to believe that. Hop is such a insidous word. Something hollow hold on to just to prolong your suffering. I cant take the pain anymore.

    You know. The life you know. All the things you take for granted. The people you hurt. The power of beauty and the joys you have. Its not gonna last. If I can take pleasure in one thing its knowing that even the beautiful and powerful will lose it all. That death is promised to everyone. Your turn will come. I wish I could see your tears when your beauty fades. Those handsome features are rearranged. When death creeps upon you. When you start getting sick and money cant make you happy anymore. And we all return to the dirt. I want to be there to welcome you. And smile. Cos were all the same now. Just a bunch of rotten souls. Your beauty, power, and money means nothing here. Welcome.
  2. NoMotiv

    NoMotiv Active Member

    I feel sorry for you, I really do. I know that this world is unkind for the ugly, and I can only imagine how hard life must be for you. I wish I could say or do something to make it better, but I cannot.

    However, realizing the cruel irony of my following statement, I wish to thank you for reminding me of the good things in my life, reminding me to treasure what I have as there are other people outthere who would kill for some of the things I take for granted.

    And yet, while I am reasonably good looking, intelligent and have no diagnosed disorders I feel unhappy with my life. And I have nothing to blame for it except myself. And I feel guilty even mentioning it to you, since I am as you say 'blessed with so much'. But I just felt the need to let you know, though I am not sure how this is supposed to help you or make you feel better in any way. I guess in some sort of good-looks-dont-equal-happiness kind of way, but it sounds so hypocritical. I hope it doesnt come across as such, I dont mean to be unkind.

    A good heart is a wonderful thing, that alone makes you a better person than many other people. Its a shame the world doesnt see it, the world is in desperate need of more kind hearts.
  3. Allo..

    Allo.. Well-Known Member

    What is being handsome without people who arnt handsome?
    What is love without hate?
    What is happiness without sadness?

    You need to find the beauty inside yourself so you can express it and people can see it to, I am no good looker, but i have found the person i am and want to be and i show that, and people start to believe there isnt all that bad stuff that they first thought. Beauty does not come from the way you look, but from your heart. You looks do not determin who you are, it is your heart, soul and mind.

    With love, you havent met the right person if you think no one will ever love you for the way you look. Everyone has someone, i for one would not care what a guy would look like if i loved him from the heart. True love is of the heart, not the eyes. It doesnt matter! Yes, i know its hard when you think you are not good looking, but it is not what matters. You need to get past that so others can. Confidence is something that changes the way you look, if you can walk with confidence people find you more attractive.

    Things that make you beautiful: Love, Confidence, Kindness, Fairness, Happiness, Honesty, being Trustworthy and Caring.

    Thats what you need to be beautiful, not nice eyes, kool hair, a hot body. That doesnt matter when you find love, doesnt matter in the Slightest..

    Please see that beauty in others.. and find that beauty in yourself. You can achieve anything you want to achieve and be anything you want to be. Just believe in yourself.

    Im always here to talk, take care, Ally x
  4. Multiple Man

    Multiple Man Well-Known Member

    To the person who PMed me -would love to put on a pair of rose colored glasses and see the world you vividly described. This place where looks doesnt matter and every thing that happened to me in my life is my fault. Im sorry I wasnt strong enough to overcome all the abuse and turn out better. The damage that was done to me was significant and I spend my life trying to repair what happened to me in the past. I failed to emphasize the mental disorders ive developed from all the trauma and abuse I went through growing up. It is the reason why my fight and struggle is so difficult.

    Nothing I desire is external or material. I made that clear. Only that the quality of my life has been so significantly hurt because of how I was born. You can take that however you want it but it is the only reason why I was abused so much. Im sure if I was normal looking my childhood would be far more kind. But I guess, as you say thats all a figure of my imagination. I dont care about being beautiful or ugly. It doesnt matter what I look like I dont care. It affects me severely only because of the way the world and society view and treats me. And I cant change that. I cant accept that. And I cant accept it being shoved in my face, every time i walk out of my house. All the things I cant have because of how I was born. I wish you could understand. i cant take not having something so essential as love, contact, friends, laughter, social life, and havign a family. Im tired of people telling me theyre mentally attracted to me but not physically. I can see if I was a awful person with a bad personality. But im not. Like I said, its human nature.

    As for feeling sorry for myself? Yeah maybe I do self loathe too much. But I have to vent sometimes. If I die at least I will have a good reason for it than some. Being suffocated from loneliness, I was not able to live without love. If trying to save oneself from endless misery is cowardess, then I guess I got a yellow streak down my back.

    To NoMotiv, Im glad to help you appreciate what you have because I would kill to be in your skin. It feels good sometimes doesnt it? People approach and treat you differently. You get attention. Heck even bad attention is better than none. At least you can weed out the bad ones. Your right, it doesnt equal happiness. I had a friend who killed herself a few weeks back. She was beautiful. But just as beautiful inside as well. She had mental issues and was bipolar but for the most part she was happy and active. I envied her to death. Most times It was hard even talking to her cos her life seemed so well. I found out she shot herself with her fathers shotgun. She was a walkign treasure chest and could have had or done anything in life. But demons dont discriminate. I know she was going through alot. I get the good heart comments alot. What use of it if noone ever sees it.

    To Allo... I read that, and I wish more people in the world thought and felt like you. Not only in saying it but showing it. Im sorry, I really wish I could believe that.
  5. Multiple Man

    Multiple Man Well-Known Member

    First off I want to say that your a very intelligent and articulant person. I really appreciate you taking time to write me. We have alot of similarities. I did not have any type of physical problem or deformity. I was a target and the sole reason was because of how I looked and I wasn't as big and intimidating. I was either the shortest or the fatest kid in class. It was constant abuse. Being beat up, spit on, having my head dumped in a toilet of mess, being stabbed, having things stolen from me, etc. And then when I was 11 years old I was taking advantage of by a vulture. A gay male teacher who observed the fact that I was this weak lil kid getting picked on and he decided to make things worse by raping me.

    Im 28. Ive never experienced those essential things in life. You know in the bible it says God made woman because he saw it was not good for man to be alone. It also says love is above all things. So I guess that is why Im suffering so much. Its like starving. I overeat but I cant fill that void. Cant be filled with food, or a pet, hobbies, or volunteer work. Up until this point Ive been able to cope. Now its just too much. Im hurting. The anxiety and sadness is so thick it feels like im breathing it in and out. And nothing I do ever changes it.

    Yeah I spend holidays alone too. Birthdays are the worse because I have to somehow acknowledge and pretend to celebrate my birth. I hate that day. Somehow you were able to find a peace of mind and accept the way you are, and being alone, and have found happiness. I can't. Even if there was a way, I wouldn't. I would rather accept death. Life should about the choices we make, not being forced into irrational living conditions. I could accept alot, and I have accepted alot. But that is just the ONE thing I cant accept. My life is pointless anyway. Dying would not make it any more pointless. If you opened every cell door of a prison and gave those prisoners a chance to escape, 99% of them would fall over each other trying to escape their suffering, loneliness and misery. My friend recently shot herself. She did want to die. I cant imagine anyone really wanting to. It is when they reach a point in their life where their resources of coping with the anguish and misery runs out. And the descent begins. Where pain gets so severe you desire death. And people try. Some only prolong their suffering. Some may make it. Id never fault anyone, just like I dont fault her. I dont see it as cowardess. Especially if you have exhausted the fight.

    All I have left that isnt covered in darkness is my heart. But I can even feel that part of me changing. The sadness turns into anger after awhile. I consider anyone who loves themselves, is happy, and have peace of mind a success story. Or happy ending so to speak. I know my defiant nature to not accept or adapt my life accordingly has cause me alot of what Im going through. Maybe if it guaranted me the pain, envy and misery would end, I would take steps toward that. I know it wouldnt. So I must continue to fight for the only thing I know will save me. If I stop dreaming, then there is nothing left of me, and nothing left for me to live for.

    There is one thing that is working so much against me and that is my level of anxiety. I dont feel I have any type of control over how I feel or think. So when something adverse happens throughout the day a alarm goes off and nothing I do ever can trun it off. Panic attacks are unbearable. I have ran and hid from everything in my life that causes them because they are indescribable. Right now, that alarm is going on inside me. I can go to sleep, wake up, take a shower, play with the dog, and its still there. The only thing that takes it away is if something positive happens. Not positive thinking, only something positive happens. Something that gives me hope, or goes my way. Right now im grasping at straws trying to find a support system. Every single time I attempted suicide it was because of the anxiety attack lasting 2-3 weeks. So of course Im a hermit right now because it can literally kill me and catapult me into suicidal ambitions. Right now im in day 4. Im doing my best to suppress it but I know im in a race against time.

    Hope has already destroyed me. Hoping against hope. I believed everything my friend told me. To always hope and stay strong and never give up. She shot herself, barely 21 years old. Now I want to join her. If she lost hope, beign the beautiful, attractive, smart, energetic person she was, what am I suppose to think about myself. She has probably did alot to not only hurt her family, but my mindset of thinking. When she jumped, now I want to jump. She left me.

    Guess what, im gonna die believe there is hope. That there is some loop hole to this design of life for a sad human being like me can find happiness. Love is too essential to live without. I know many never find it but to not even be given the option is too devestating of a way to live. When your noones type. This isnt giving up chocolates for the rest of your life. This is giving up a dream of of having someone to share my life with. Giving up a dream of having a family, watching my children and grandchildren run around. Giving up the most essential and powerful feeling anyone can experience. The one thing that makes the world go round. That is above all things to me.

    I dont feel patronized when people try to encourage me with alot of the same things I hear before. Inner beauty and, looks dont matter and life will get better in time, etc. I would rather be patronized than to have to listen and think all of the irrational things that go through my head everyday. I dont believe in miracles, but I have to believe that even the sun shines on a dogs ass once and awhile.

    Yeah, everyone cant make it. Sometimes you cant help people, you can only witness. Some of us were doomed from birth. I certainly feel that way. I know im far away from hope, but im even further away from acceptance. I know im lightyears away from having a wife and a family, friends(real friends), and beign able to function in public and work, and be content, or happy. But im even further away from telling myself, I have to accept what I am, live without the things I yearn for, and be a hermit forever and die a lonely man. And just try to make the best of it.

    Peace. Any way I can get it. Peace of mind. See I dont have that. I dont know how to get that unless I can overcome this illness. My endless and exhausting search for hope. A way out of this maze built inside my mind. Thats the only hopeful thing about being trapped in a maze. There is a way in, and there is a way out. I feel like a warrior, and ive dawn the crimson mask on my face for far too long. Im swinging and fighting desperately, just hoping someone will cut me down.

    I wouldnt want to be remembered for how I died, what I died for. People who couldnt forgive someone who makes that decision simply cant understand. How can anyone be asked to suffer. For some, it may just be the only option we have left. The only door to peace.
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