Death

ok so I think I've come to the end of my tether. I'm not functioning as my anxiety has hit an all time high so much my beat friend had to ring work for me. Now I'm still shaking despite the diazepam I had on Friday (which only have 2 left now). Anything that usually makes me feel better I can't seem to do, primarily this is running or socialising by drinking. I know I can't keep drinking because it just depresses me further despite the initial happiness.

The difference with my depression and anxiety now is that I have no desire to lose weight to go out in public. I'm still bingeing and purging but purging is becoming less cos I fail to see a future for me to make myself look better.

I tried to hang myself on Friday and just ended up breaking my shower rail. I've also burned my hand with cigarettes so that's a mess. I'm close to slitting my wrists but I wonder if I have the courage. I don't want to end up in hospital after another failed attempt, my plan needs to be foolproof.

Have emergency appt with psych tomorrow and haven't decided to tell him I tried hanging etc in fear of him sectioning me which would be awful for my family. My mothers has also just visited after hearing I didn't go to work and is worried they may take me. She cried etc. I assured her it's just my anxiety.

There's too many memories for me and I've been too honest with people about my mental issues, in an attempt to raise awareness as I raise money for mental health foundation and volunteer as a peer mentor for mentally I'll adults. I hoped this would fill the emptiness inside me but instead has made me more anxious and feeling like a fraud.

I have the pills, I have the rope and I have the blade. I'm very
much on the brink here and the Samaritans haven't replied. Someone just give me an off switch is it?

 

put all your methods away hon out of sight ok
im glad you have an emergency appt tomorow sounds like you need it please be strong,just hold on binging and purging are just like plasters over a cut they hide whats underneath

i think it may be best to tell the psyche everything i know its hard but whats the other option ?hide everything away and not know how to move past it

you seem a good person raising money etc dont let this beat you xx

 

Do you have cats? I'm guessing you do based on your user name. When I'm feeling really upset I'll spend time with my cats and it helps to relax me.

Be good to yourself and do something fun for yourself until you have your appointment tomorrow. You deserve to be happy. Hugs.

 

Dear Catfreak,

I feel deeply for you. I don’t know why, but I feel some kind of connection with you. maybe it’s your heart I am feeling now…

You know you are truly a kind loving human being. Sometimes unfortunate experiences happen in our life situations. Those experiences can make us stronger when we can go beyond them - when we can see that experiences cannot define who or what we truly are…

I ask you to kindly accept and love yourself unconditionally. Losing weight may be good to your health, but body weight should not be a real issue when it comes to making friends or socialising. You seem to have some kind of idea like that “I need to lose weight if I want to go out in public or if I want to have real friends. You know these thoughts are not absolutely true…

As to the emergency appt with psych tomorrow, I encourage you to be as open as possible. The psych is supposed to be helpful to you, not to cause you more stress…

It’s great that you attempted to raise awareness for mental health foundation. You know you are NOT a fraud. You have been doing the best you can. That’s all what anyone can do. Please be generous and gentle to yourself. I believe what you CAN do now is to let things pass - you know the feelings you have now will pass for sure…

Please think about your mom, too…

With Love and Hugs

 

Thank you everyone. I got through last night and told the psych everything, he suggested I needed to be in hospital following the hanging attempt but I lied and said I regretted it. I was in my works uniform and was on a break so how good would that look 'erm yeah I've been sectioned so see you whenever' haha. Gotta try and laugh. Never thought hospital woulda been suggested due to funding, beds etc. Nevermind eh. Least I still have oppurtunity as I'm off weds and thursday but hoping I can get back running and keep myself occupied by then if not I know my pills are my only option. I will be making attempts to cuddle with the cats and my parents dog to see if that'll make me feel better. I really appreciate all your replies, they really did lift my heart this morning. X

 

Thank you acy, I'm hoping too x

 

Keep at it, Cat - you know you CAN...let your heart lead you...

Dogs are great teachers about how to live in the moment...appreciate/enjoy life...as simple as it is...

:hug:

 

I'm glad to see you are okay and I think your a good person for your volunteer work. Don't feel like a fraud, that's just an inside voice saying that, you need to learn to love what you do. I know that isn't easy because I have problems with that myself, no matter what the deed I can be my own worse enemy when judging myself. I think that is all you are doing, not trying to down play how you are feeling, but I go through the same stuff. You feel this way because you think it and it comes within, just love yourself and it helps. No matter what you do, if you don't think positive of yourself from the inside, you won't find it outside.

“All that we are is the result of what we have thought. The mind is everything. What we think we become.” - Buddha

“Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without.” - Buddha