ok so I think I've come to the end of my tether. I'm not functioning as my anxiety has hit an all time high so much my beat friend had to ring work for me. Now I'm still shaking despite the diazepam I had on Friday (which only have 2 left now). Anything that usually makes me feel better I can't seem to do, primarily this is running or socialising by drinking. I know I can't keep drinking because it just depresses me further despite the initial happiness.
The difference with my depression and anxiety now is that I have no desire to lose weight to go out in public. I'm still bingeing and purging but purging is becoming less cos I fail to see a future for me to make myself look better.
I tried to hang myself on Friday and just ended up breaking my shower rail. I've also burned my hand with cigarettes so that's a mess. I'm close to slitting my wrists but I wonder if I have the courage. I don't want to end up in hospital after another failed attempt, my plan needs to be foolproof.
Have emergency appt with psych tomorrow and haven't decided to tell him I tried hanging etc in fear of him sectioning me which would be awful for my family. My mothers has also just visited after hearing I didn't go to work and is worried they may take me. She cried etc. I assured her it's just my anxiety.
There's too many memories for me and I've been too honest with people about my mental issues, in an attempt to raise awareness as I raise money for mental health foundation and volunteer as a peer mentor for mentally I'll adults. I hoped this would fill the emptiness inside me but instead has made me more anxious and feeling like a fraud.
I have the pills, I have the rope and I have the blade. I'm very
much on the brink here and the Samaritans haven't replied. Someone just give me an off switch is it?