Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by MoAnamCara, Apr 29, 2011.

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  1. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    so my current internal debate is whether to drink right now.

    well I lie. its more how many pills can i take.

    panic has turned into reality and being scared once again.

    am sick of the tears that only i see and feel and wipe away.
  2. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    sorry you are having a rough night. i'm not in a great place myself, but just wanted to let you know i read your post and i am sending a big hug. please don't do anything rash and i hope tomorrow will be a little better for you.
  3. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist


    thanks for responding last night. i hope you are doing better today yourself.

    I am not unfortunately. I woke up all out of sorts, already close to panic so I took a pill.

    I have to get it together somehow here. Feeling quite lost today, uncertain but I really don't know why.

    I want to hide, not to have to deal with anything today. I just don't feel able today.
  4. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    Well why cant you do that today, put on a comfty outfit, get in the car and go eat a pretzel at the mall, or go hide out in a dark movie cinema-you have to take time for yourself to recoop from the stresses your under and you need it often. You have so much going on that it builds very fast. Take the time for yourself.
  5. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Thanks but I can't. Theres no one else to look after her. I have to go run errands once the aide gets here for the 45 minutes.
  6. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    And I just let loose on the physical therapist who sauntered in here and took a 'tude with the dogs. Are you kidding me? Ass. complete ass.
  7. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    when you run your errands take a minute and do something for yourself no matter how small you think it is.
  8. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    thanks diy - its ok

    i'm just facing crashing & burning in a bit. F it. just can't.
  9. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    yes you can, because you have to!!

    When you leave, take a oldies CD with you, turn up the volume and listen to the beat, start counting the beats of the music until it takes over and your singing in your head.

    Stop and get you a chocolate milkshake or a big coffee.
  10. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    I KNOW I have to. I KNOW I have no choice, no options, no out.

    I NEED to be here for her, there is no one else.

    I HAVE to watch her die.

    I CAN'T keep thinking I can drink or do anything to numb myself because I have to be here for her in case something happens.

    Just up to my neck in feeling sorry for myself, like I said, I need to get a grip and need to stop the tears that keep forming in my eyes.
  11. 41021

    41021 Banned Member


    I know how stressful taking care of someone in this situation, can be.

    Most people have someone else to lean on. A friend, relative, or hospice worker who will provide care so the primary caregiver can take a few hours to themselves. You have no such person? I believe I've even heard there are hotlines and groups for caregivers who are under stress.

    :sad: at the same time I'm scared for you. I think you had mentioned before, that once this person is gone you have nothing to keep you from exiting. I don't want that to happen either :no:

    You are in a very stress filled situation, and you have your own stuff going on inside of you too. I don't know how you keep it together as well as you have.

    My heart is with you. I wish I could offer more.

    ****gentle hugs**** to help you get through this day.
  12. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist


    Unfortunately I don't have anyone. Perhaps if the choice is made to enter hospice next week, then there might be more assistance available.

    You have a good memory - that is what I said. It scares me too.

    Its a little soul destroying right now. Definitely the lonliest job in the world.

    Thank you for the hugs, will take any and all I can today.

    Take care.
  13. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    I don't like that you are going through this alone...taking care of this person alone. That is far too much for your shoulders. I understand doing it, despite the lack of assist. I just wish you had someone to ease the responsibility a bit. I'm glad you have us here, so when things do get rough, you can come and talk, scream, cry, pick up a few **hugs**

    **gentle hugs**

    If you were not doing this, what would you be doing? I'm scared of this part too. If this person opts for hospice, what then? Will you spend time with them at hospice?

    Have you come to terms with this yet? With the finality of caring for them, them passing? **hug**

    Obviously you will need some rest and self-care, but have you considered what you will do? I just don't want you to look at just that one option, I'm hoping while they are still here, you might come up with something else you can do?

    **hugs** for you **wipes away your tears**

    Interesting, i woke up today and was looking at perhaps having a shot of something to drink...and i do not like alcohol.
  14. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Kali -

    Thanks, a lot. hugs

    Theres an aide that comes in a few days a week so that gives me 45 mins or so to get out and get things done outside of the house. Of course we can all load up into the car and go out but its not the easiest of things.

    I'm very, very thankful for here and for those of you who are and have been there for me. Its all I have right now to get me through.

    oh, and my therapist who has offered support but which I have not felt comfortable taking her up on. I'm sure a time will come where I will need to but I don't want to go there. I am better keeping my distance from folks.

    I have definitely not come to terms with it all. It hits me in waves, mostly at night but today is just a bad one. I don't know what I'll do - go back to work as need money I suppose. But I'm not sure I can deal with that with the stress. There are a lot of unknowns and its all a bit scary to even start thinking about.

    You take care, don't go drinking... thank you again.
  15. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Okay I need to go and get some air, panic is starting up again. I need to shut off the puter.

    thank you all for your help today. take care of yourselves.
  16. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    Well, maybe some other time, if you want, we can talk about those things. When you feel ready. Right now is not good. You have so much going on.

    Be safe okay?

    ...and thus far, I've not touched anything so i guess i'm doing okay.

    **hugs** for you
  17. hollowvoice

    hollowvoice Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    please take care mo

    hugs xx
  18. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    No words, just tears today.

    Scared & alone.

    Completely insignificant.

    Help pls today... pls.
  19. starryeyed

    starryeyed Well-Known Member

    The one thing I will say is your partner wants too myst want lufe.imagine if she dies then you take your own life.if there is an other side which I believe then she will be hurt to see you.for those who are fighting for lfe we should be grateful.for it.
    I think you are taking too much on.if you want a drink have one.theres no point torturing yourslf over trivialties.
    Maybe you could get more help.and the last thing she wants is you dead.its not up to us to choose who lives or dies.
  20. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    you are right, I am wrong for wanting not to be here, for wanting not to live through this and past this and carry on alone.

    And you are right - how dare I not wish to be here when my partner is wanting to live more than anything. I agree, its selfish of me. I agree - I am just being me - and I am wrong, incorrect, selfish and pretty damn stupid.

    I am upset, I am angry.

    but I appreciate your response starryeyed - I am not angry with you - just with me. hugs to you and thank you again for trying to help. I apologize if I'm coming off a little unpleasant. Again, its just me.
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