Debating Over Reuniting With Cutting

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by objectsinmirrors, Sep 14, 2011.

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  1. objectsinmirrors

    objectsinmirrors Well-Known Member

    I am having very strong urges to cut right now. I've only cut a handful of times in the past year and a half. i cut maybe three times in july when i was very suicidal and trying to stay alive. havent cut since then, but have been craving it so badly. i just started college. i'm living in the dorms, and am in a single so i have the privacy i need to cut, but there are a lot of reasons why its a bad idea. its hard to hide the cuts when its still so warm out, i don't want any more scars, once i start i get really addicted, and worst of all, i feel incompetent when i cut. i feel in some ways cutting is a sign of weakness (for me, i'm not saying others who cut are weak). i want to be a psychologist one day, and i can't do that if i'm cutting. but i can't fool myself into thinking "yeah, i can stop anytime i want. i ll just stop when i get closer to my career" thats bullshit. stopping is really hard. i don't want to go down that road anymore, but my wrists are actually aching in a way i know that cutting would fix. i don't know what the urges are all about. ive been fairly even keeled in my classes, but i have been getting some mood swings when i'm alone. i "took suicide off the table" in august, although there are still times when i think about it. so maybe the cutting is serving the same function suicide did- something to fantasize about to avoid dealing with the actual problems. cutting does have its functions though. i can't stop thinking that cutting is a good way to communicate my pain to my therapist. it feels validating of my pain, and seeing the blood and feeling the physical pain keeps me grounded and calm. maybe i can find another way to communicate the emotional pain and validate myself. i'm going to try painting. but if it doesn't work i would definitely like some feedback or suggestions or validation.

    Thanks in advance.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am glad to hear you have a therapist hun School can be such a stressor even though you feel you are okay with it right now. New environment private room just time to be alone with those thoughts are not a good thing.
    I think if you can talk to a councillor at your school perhaps they will have so good thoughts on how to help you cope with out harming yourself I use poetry art like you said will help express that pain. I do hope you chose not to start sh again hun because as you say it is so hard to stop once you start hugs
  3. RedTears

    RedTears Well-Known Member

    i understand a little bit of what you're going through. I want to work in a mental hospital for adolescents, but I can't do that if I'm cutting. I'm always like, I'll stop before i get that close. It's difficult.
  4. swimmergirl

    swimmergirl Well-Known Member

    can you call your therapist and try to talk about what the pain is about? I agree that by cutting you are communicating something, so why not try to find the words by talking, or if you can't do that yet, writing out what it is cutting would be communicating for you and to whom you want the message to be heard.

    I think it's great progress that you can stop and deal with the urges no matter how strong or alluring they are, sometimes just sitting through the urge is all we can do.

    You do have a choice in how you react to whatever emotions are driving your urges to cut. I find that once I am able to express whatever difficult emotion is coming up then the urge subsides.

    take care.
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