Debating

[AlastorNEGATIVE]

Disappointed my family considerably and was almost homeless. Upon being home for less than 24 hours and pretty much going back to shitsville, a lot of the emotions and thoughts I had as a child are resurfacing, though in milder quantities. I'm thinking of just going for it.
My being here merely consists of burdening the same people over and over again. Everyone would be sad, but they'd move on after a while. Ultimately, my death wouldn't wreck too many lives I don't think. Everyone I know is strong enough to get over my death except my Girlfriend I think.
If anything, she's the only one keeping me here. Even in death, I feel that I wouldn't be able to bare putting her through it. I just feel low for thinking about it, but being here is more or less beyond taxing of my mind.
I can't do anything right here.
I've never done anything right here, so why be here?
I'm just a dreamer that wants to sleep.

 

[Terry]

You do realise that you aren't thinking straight don't you?
No one and I mean NO ONE!! gets it wrong everytime.
Sounds like you've had a hard time with a lot going wrong and now you think you are useless.
Everyone has times where nothing goes right and that's when they need help.
Your family may think you've made some bad choices but I doubt they think you are a failure.
I'm the queen of the mea culpae clan so I know what you're feeling only too well.
Set about putting, what you can, to rights.
Find your feet and try not to put yourself down, it's self defeating and will just make you even more depressed.
Easier said than done I know, but baby steps to putting your life back together will improve your frame of mind.

 

[peacelovingguy]

Hey Alastor, I think your need to get from A to B then onwards - but your looking at option Z mainly because you are suffering from depression.

I'm not a GP but I think its easy to diagnose depression on the basis of what you are saying. We've been through it so we KNOW that you are not messing around here. You are serious, and yet its the depression which focuses the mind on the option of suicide. Take the depression out of the equation, you'd be feeling OK.

You say you got a girl, and I'm glad for you there. In my book ANY reason for not killing yourself is a good thing. Romance is a very good reason! But even so, you risk your romance IF you carry on and don't get any treatment. Even if your intentions are honourable towards this girl - and I'm sure they are - the fact remains that depression left to just run its cause, is destructive and impacts on our ability to connect with others. Any relationship would suffer, and its unfair on family and people you love to try and cope with this yourself.

All the negative feelings you feel are just depression playing its tricks. Of all the medical conditions out there, it is one of the worse because when your thoughts are affected and emotions, it can wear you down and leave you actually feeling you are failure.

Right now your life is at a crossroads - but three signs point to depression and one is pointing down the road to the local doctor. He or she has heard it all before and in the UK you should get counselling in 6 weeks or under - emergency therapy the same say - and likely as not the doctor will prescribe anti depressants which will at least give you the chance to be able to have a goal in sight - hopefully feeling your depression ease would be the right thing - but follow others here when you get prescribed and see how others cope.

It is s flip of a coin in many ways - but there are plenty out there which all give an evens 50/50 or better chance of having a positive reaction.

Talk to your girl - ask her if she thinks this sounds the right thing to do. Maybe tell your parents or any relative you are still talking to!

Don't fight it alone - get some help and the world might be a whole better place in a few weeks.

Book an appointment for your docs - phone early tomorrow and you may get a cancellation or quiet Wednesday - midweek is a good time. Then you will fee a but better tomorrow because that is the first step to recovery.

Then you will have done something right!

Good luck brother. You got a life waiting for you once you get the better of this and I'm sure you have talents and assets, plus skills yet to be honed. I know one skill you do not have and that is the skill to see into the future. Depression turns us into the Amazing Seer of the Future - makes us think we KNOW what life will turn out like. I guess if we keep thinking life will be no good then its possible we shape it that way. So get that depression sorted out and we'll see if your still so pessimistic in a few weeks.

All you need is a change of weather, change of luck, maybe some study or a job of sorts or voluntary work. You'll soon be more cheerful with people and when your depression lifts a little I'm sure you'll make a good friend to those around you.

Sure, it's bad right now - but you want to live and I think your option at the crossroads of life at this time is best taken like I said - to the doctors.

Good luck and keep us updated.

My regards, good luck, best wishes, prayers and all the rest.

 

[AlastorNEGATIVE]

I dont have the money to see a doctor, nor do I have people I can talk to about this (which is why I came here in the first place).
Ultimately, I'm screwed. I've no reason to be here. I love my girlfriend, but she'd be better off if I didn't exist.
I'm done feeling like shit all the time. I'm tired of the mood swings, I'm tired of being put down. I'm just done.
All 19 years of my life has just reiterated that I don't belong here.
By friday, if things don't look up, I'm going for it.

 

[wheresmysheep]

What country are you in?
We dont want you to do anything to harm yourself.
Life is a bitch, it really is, but you can get through this, your among people who feel the same, probably been through similar/same things as you ahve been through.
Whats been going on in your 19years of life? what has hit you over and over?
We can talk about it, and try to get somethings you can do for yourself in place, from experiences of our members who have been through similar things.
Of course, only if you want to
:hug:
Sheep

 

[AlastorNEGATIVE]

I live in the US, state-wise, I live in North Carolina.
I haven't had a deeply depressing or trying life, but I've always been depressed more or less.
My father died when I was 4, which is where I believe my string of depression and warped mindset derives itself from. I've always been socially defunct and connecting with others has always been difficult. I've always had somewhat of a nonexistent relationship with my stepfather and mom, mainly due to me never doing anything they found interesting or useful. They've never been proud of me and they general found my interests and hobbies pointless and immature (they'd often ridicule me and cite their embarrassment).
I've always had anxiety and stress issues, so I treat them as the norm and do my best to keep them under wraps to prevent myself from gaining any unwanted attention, which of course leads to a lot of emotions being bottled up. I can admit that I have mood swings, but they're mild and I generally revert back to my depressive nature anyways.
The only period in which I established a sense of happiness and displayed an ability to be myself and be happy with it was when I use to smoke marijuana. I'm aware of it being illegal and what not, but it helped me in ways I never thought possible. I was the most successful I had ever been when I use to smoke, but that's not an option anymore and I'm stuck with nothing right now.
My family wants nothing to do with me. My girlfriend will eventually leave me once things get too hard for her. My parents are kicking me out and I'm having trouble getting a job, as well as the fact that I need to buy a car, I need to find an apartment, and I have to find some magical way to pay for school.
There's just no way

 

[wheresmysheep]

Ok, sadly I dont know the US system greatly, but there are many US people around here.
I understadn that you need money/insuance for doctors, so thast fair enough.
What about a counsellor in your school? (guessing college considering yoru age) They can be a great source of help and support.
now, havign a family that you feel doesnt support you has a big knock on effect on yoru life, im sure your very awarte of that, and thinking yout GF is going to leave would support the way your family is treating you, but she's still with you sint she? shes still there supporting you. Dont prophasies somehting, it can be self fuflilling, This is somethign I myself deal with, I'm my own worse enemy, and i put myself down (career orientainted and relationship) at every turn; im not good enough, im going to be left, im going to be alone) but I'm slowly, very slowly, seeing that things arent always that way.
when someone is with us, when we are low, taht would be the point of jumping out, and shes still there for you. talk to her if yoru really scared.

Now, why are your family kicking you out? why do you NEED a car? and waht do you ahve for getting a job?
And why cant you smoke, if that can temporerily help you?

 

[AlastorNEGATIVE]

1.) Got Entry Level Separation from the Air Force for failing the initial drug test. It's not too bad, but my parents believe it is and they want nothing to do with me.
2.) I need a car in order to get to and from work (If I can even get a job)
3.) The job market out here is just god awful. Especially since my background check will probably mention why I got ELS
4.) I can't smoke right now, because I've no way to acquire anything. I've no car and having someone drop it off would just infuriate my parents beyond belief.
My parents are very anti-drugs, despite never trying them themselves