I have never wanted to kill myself so badly. I don't even know *why* I want to kill myself. My depression is debilitating; "depression" isn't a strong enough word. Last night, I was having more trouble thinking I was possessed. I started praying and quoting the Bible and that gave me temporary relief. I thought I was fine. It's 12:35 noon and I haven't gotten any sleep today/ last night. I'm not even tired. Maybe this is contributing to my hopelessness. I want to tell my mom how I'm feeling, but I can't. She has worse back problems than I do and she's depressed enough herself. All I do is complain and "vent" on the Internet, and it pisses people off. I don't know why I feel like this. Usually, I have a reason, and usually, I don't feel as awful as I do now. I keep rubbing Icy-Hot on my back. It still hurts like h*ll. I'm on the verge of crying for no reason but I almost hope I do. Maybe it will give me some relief. Typing this helped a little. I just want peace that lasts.