Deceased!
- Thread starter BornFree
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Hi, just wanted to say Thank you for your posts, and I am sorry if I caused any concern, by being away. I guess I just bottomed out and was so self absorbed and selfish I didn't even think to say I was taking a break. In all honesty I didn't think anyone would notice. Sorry.
Sadly I am still breathing and still trapped! Not for long though, I can't connect, I can't interact as letter from uni said "Not Achieved" which sums up me and my pathetic excuse of a life. When my own family avoids me then I think its time...
I hope the sun shines for you today and brightens your day.
Sadly I am still breathing and still trapped! Not for long though, I can't connect, I can't interact as letter from uni said "Not Achieved" which sums up me and my pathetic excuse of a life. When my own family avoids me then I think its time...
I hope the sun shines for you today and brightens your day.
Thank You!
I wish I could let it all out... I just don't know how any more... everything seems so pointless. When asked what I want from help offered... I don't know what to say... I don't expect anyone to help or care... I can't believe I am like this again... I think I actually got better for a while and now I am back to square one - a mess!! I crash and burn and don't know how or why I've landed up like this!:blub:
There just doesn't seem to be a way out,I am the ultimate waste of space. When family are happy to go out geocaching, for walks and trips to the park and stay hours longer than they said... while I'm too sore to move let alone be active... its so clear that they are happier without me... my husbands one weekend off in a month and he chooses to take the children out for the entire afternoon so that when they get back its late and time for dinner and bed. So plans that were made to go out as a family, BBQ and play Wii together is out the window. No time today either as they have all gone to church and H's friends want us all round for dinner this evening... so then the weekend is gone!
I very nearly left last night, I love my children to bits but right now it genuinely seems they'd all be happier and relieved of a burden when I'm gone.
I wish I could let it all out... I just don't know how any more... everything seems so pointless. When asked what I want from help offered... I don't know what to say... I don't expect anyone to help or care... I can't believe I am like this again... I think I actually got better for a while and now I am back to square one - a mess!! I crash and burn and don't know how or why I've landed up like this!:blub:
There just doesn't seem to be a way out,I am the ultimate waste of space. When family are happy to go out geocaching, for walks and trips to the park and stay hours longer than they said... while I'm too sore to move let alone be active... its so clear that they are happier without me... my husbands one weekend off in a month and he chooses to take the children out for the entire afternoon so that when they get back its late and time for dinner and bed. So plans that were made to go out as a family, BBQ and play Wii together is out the window. No time today either as they have all gone to church and H's friends want us all round for dinner this evening... so then the weekend is gone!
I very nearly left last night, I love my children to bits but right now it genuinely seems they'd all be happier and relieved of a burden when I'm gone.
ditsy I'm so sorry they're not supportive...
have you tried talking to your husband and letting him know how you feel? doesn't he listen?
time for you to look after yourself and get some help..maybe couples counceling..Idk.
.just a thought
I'm not doing too well so my advice prob sux at the moment.
your children would not be better off without you..they will always need their mother
I do know though that you should look after yourself even if no-one else is
s*
have you tried talking to your husband and letting him know how you feel? doesn't he listen?
time for you to look after yourself and get some help..maybe couples counceling..Idk.
.just a thought
I'm not doing too well so my advice prob sux at the moment.
your children would not be better off without you..they will always need their mother
I do know though that you should look after yourself even if no-one else is
s*OH IV.... Hugs... you are so lovely, as you said you're struggling yet you're still being so kind and caring... as always!! Thank you xxx:grouphug:xxx
I have told him how I feel and then he goes overboard trying to "fix" everything... which to me then seems false in that he's so OTT!! If that makes sense. In my heart I know we need counseling and I/we have looked and the cheapest my H found was £15.00 an hour which at the moment is a bit too much for us to handle! Part of me is kicking myself that I just can't seem to snap out of it and I cringe when he goes to touch me... I don't want our marriage to end... but I can't seem to want it either...
I don't want to burden anyone by my moans... As my Mum would say I have made my bed... and I know I'm being so selfish thinking of myself right now. Son is having Major Neurosurgery on 3 August, daughter having ADI assessment on 7th July and I should be strong, ready to fight for my children! Instead i am a mess... I am terrified, I wish with all my heart it was me going for the surgery instead. Its my fault he has the bone disease in the first place. I deserve to die for passing this on to my children!
I have stuffed up royally, failed my course, failing at life... lost touch with my care co-ordinator... lost track of Pdoc appts... I am drowning and going under. Then I am scared as I am already on 2 anti depressants and still I am like this... and too terrified to ring... Urrghh!
I have told him how I feel and then he goes overboard trying to "fix" everything... which to me then seems false in that he's so OTT!! If that makes sense. In my heart I know we need counseling and I/we have looked and the cheapest my H found was £15.00 an hour which at the moment is a bit too much for us to handle! Part of me is kicking myself that I just can't seem to snap out of it and I cringe when he goes to touch me... I don't want our marriage to end... but I can't seem to want it either...
I don't want to burden anyone by my moans... As my Mum would say I have made my bed... and I know I'm being so selfish thinking of myself right now. Son is having Major Neurosurgery on 3 August, daughter having ADI assessment on 7th July and I should be strong, ready to fight for my children! Instead i am a mess... I am terrified, I wish with all my heart it was me going for the surgery instead. Its my fault he has the bone disease in the first place. I deserve to die for passing this on to my children!
I have stuffed up royally, failed my course, failing at life... lost touch with my care co-ordinator... lost track of Pdoc appts... I am drowning and going under. Then I am scared as I am already on 2 anti depressants and still I am like this... and too terrified to ring... Urrghh!
Oh.. you have so much on your plate no wonder you're feeling overwhelmed and depressed..
perhaps the depression and the stress of your childrens illness is one of the reasons you're having trouble dealing with your husband...that's understandable
all I can advise is to get back in touch with your care co-ordinator and Pdoc and get meds adjusted or changed and some support in place..
you haven't stuffed up....you can't help genetics taking it's course
and you're not selfish - looking after yourself is helping your family in the long run
they need you
damn I hate that my family needs me to stay but that's how it is for us mothers..
please get some help Ditsy..
I don't want you to leave eithers*
perhaps the depression and the stress of your childrens illness is one of the reasons you're having trouble dealing with your husband...that's understandable
all I can advise is to get back in touch with your care co-ordinator and Pdoc and get meds adjusted or changed and some support in place..
you haven't stuffed up....you can't help genetics taking it's course
and you're not selfish - looking after yourself is helping your family in the long run
they need you
damn I hate that my family needs me to stay but that's how it is for us mothers..
please get some help Ditsy..
I don't want you to leave either
s*
Hi Ditsy
I am so sorry to read about the pain you are going through now on so many levels. I know it seems to you like your children would be better off without you. But the wound of losing a parent does not ever really fully heal in the heart of a child. Of course it is not your fault that your child has a genetic condition. Just as it was not the fault of your ancestors that you have it.
I too would love to see you get back in touch with your support team. Including getting the meds changed. Even though you are on 2 anti depressants, doesnt mean they are still correct for you at this time. perhaps its time for a different antidepressant. And to call the care co-ordinator also. You desreve that, even if you think you may not. You do. I do hope, with all my heart that you will find the strength to take those first steps. Again, nothing is your fault. Nothing. :hug:
I am so sorry to read about the pain you are going through now on so many levels. I know it seems to you like your children would be better off without you. But the wound of losing a parent does not ever really fully heal in the heart of a child. Of course it is not your fault that your child has a genetic condition. Just as it was not the fault of your ancestors that you have it.
I too would love to see you get back in touch with your support team. Including getting the meds changed. Even though you are on 2 anti depressants, doesnt mean they are still correct for you at this time. perhaps its time for a different antidepressant. And to call the care co-ordinator also. You desreve that, even if you think you may not. You do. I do hope, with all my heart that you will find the strength to take those first steps. Again, nothing is your fault. Nothing. :hug:
Hi Ditsy,
I must say that you are too hard (and unfair) on yourself. You are as you are - the situation is beyond your control. You deserve care also. “should be strong, ready to fight for your children” is a thought against the reality so it is untrue and unreasonable. Please do not listen to that thought…
You know your children’s health is also beyond your control. They know you love them with all your heart. You know how important your love is to them, especially now…
Please do not blame yourself. Instead, give yourself a break. Allow yourself to receive care, even if you have to take a loan or something. Your health is just as important, if not more important…
Please hang in there…
I must say that you are too hard (and unfair) on yourself. You are as you are - the situation is beyond your control. You deserve care also. “should be strong, ready to fight for your children” is a thought against the reality so it is untrue and unreasonable. Please do not listen to that thought…
You know your children’s health is also beyond your control. They know you love them with all your heart. You know how important your love is to them, especially now…
Please do not blame yourself. Instead, give yourself a break. Allow yourself to receive care, even if you have to take a loan or something. Your health is just as important, if not more important…
Please hang in there…
I might misunderstand, but it seems to me that your family is your whole universe (or at least you think it is), and in the situation you are in that's rather limiting.
Do you do stuff on your own?
Are you like me that you hate travelling because you have to bring yourself? I hope not.
I promised myself that I would kill myself at the age of 30 if I hadn't become successful. I failed (of course), but instead of doing the fatal bit I switched myself off for 20 years.
I'm rather bitter about the whole thing, and I hope you don't put yourself in the same situation. At least you have a family, and hopefully a few friends. Something I never got around getting.
Do you do stuff on your own?
Are you like me that you hate travelling because you have to bring yourself? I hope not.
I promised myself that I would kill myself at the age of 30 if I hadn't become successful. I failed (of course), but instead of doing the fatal bit I switched myself off for 20 years.
I'm rather bitter about the whole thing, and I hope you don't put yourself in the same situation. At least you have a family, and hopefully a few friends. Something I never got around getting.
Tears... Thank you for all your replies and kind words! I was wiped out yesterday with Gastro so didn't get on comp.
I.V. ; Total Eclipse; Flowers; Love Being; and Papasmurf, thank you so much, your posts gave me the push I needed, I rang care co-ordinator only she wasn't answering her phone they said, so I just left a message to say I'd rung. Your posts opened the floodgates so loads of tears at the moment.
I think I may have exhausted their resources with me as I have a horrible feeling I have missed too many appts, I was waiting for them to get in touch after I mislaid calender again and well I think they're a bit fed up with me. I would be. I can't seem to keep track of anything let alone appt letters. I'm not sure if subconsciously I take less care of my own appts than I do my childrens.
Papasmurf, I am so glad you didn't kill yourself! You're right my family is my whole life, I had such a nightmare childhood that I vowed to be different and to give everything I have to trying to give my children the best childhood possible. I know I'm failing as they don't have friends round and aren't asked round (not sure if its due to their special needs.) still...
I am so sorry you have had such a hard time and I am sorry if my complaining is a bit triggering. It does seem selfish that I'm banging on about my family when so many don't have any family at all. You sound like such a nice thoughtful person, it doesn't seem fair. I hope you have friends who care and help fill that void?
I am such a mess, I have such panic attacks that I don't do stuff on my own other than the obligatory school run, even then I have to psych myself up and take a Kalms and then its rush there, try to appear ok, keep my head down and rush back to shut the door and pray no one knocks or rings, if they do I'm too scared to open the door anyway so any friends I had have given up on me, I even struggle with phone calls so I don't ring or answer so ringing centre for care co-ordinator was a big thing for me.. if it wasn't for my family I definitely wouldn't be here and because I love them that I believe they'd be free-er without me.
I.V. ; Total Eclipse; Flowers; Love Being; and Papasmurf, thank you so much, your posts gave me the push I needed, I rang care co-ordinator only she wasn't answering her phone they said, so I just left a message to say I'd rung. Your posts opened the floodgates so loads of tears at the moment.
I think I may have exhausted their resources with me as I have a horrible feeling I have missed too many appts, I was waiting for them to get in touch after I mislaid calender again and well I think they're a bit fed up with me. I would be. I can't seem to keep track of anything let alone appt letters. I'm not sure if subconsciously I take less care of my own appts than I do my childrens.
Papasmurf, I am so glad you didn't kill yourself! You're right my family is my whole life, I had such a nightmare childhood that I vowed to be different and to give everything I have to trying to give my children the best childhood possible. I know I'm failing as they don't have friends round and aren't asked round (not sure if its due to their special needs.) still...
I am so sorry you have had such a hard time and I am sorry if my complaining is a bit triggering. It does seem selfish that I'm banging on about my family when so many don't have any family at all. You sound like such a nice thoughtful person, it doesn't seem fair. I hope you have friends who care and help fill that void?
I am such a mess, I have such panic attacks that I don't do stuff on my own other than the obligatory school run, even then I have to psych myself up and take a Kalms and then its rush there, try to appear ok, keep my head down and rush back to shut the door and pray no one knocks or rings, if they do I'm too scared to open the door anyway so any friends I had have given up on me, I even struggle with phone calls so I don't ring or answer so ringing centre for care co-ordinator was a big thing for me.. if it wasn't for my family I definitely wouldn't be here and because I love them that I believe they'd be free-er without me.
Dear Ditsy,
About appts - they may be frustrated, but they may also understand your situation if they really know their patients. That’s what they do…
You love your family and they are the main source for your strength to live. You know that you need to take care of yourself first - love and accept yourself unconditionally. It seems that your husband and/or your children take you for granted and maybe they do not know how you really feel. Maybe they thought that you wouldn’t want to go out with them anyway (as you are “too sore to move let alone be active”)? Your husband seems to be in denial of your condition and is trying to wish it away by giving you time alone? Anyway, whatever it is, it does not mean that “they’d be free-er without you”…more likely they’d be lost without you…
I know you don’t want to burden anyone, but maybe you can let your family know how much it means to you spending time together with them…so they have a chance to consider?
There are ups and downs. You got better for a while. You can get better again. Your kids are growing up. They may be able to understand you better as they get older. How you think and feel will also change…
Please hang in there…
About appts - they may be frustrated, but they may also understand your situation if they really know their patients. That’s what they do…
You love your family and they are the main source for your strength to live. You know that you need to take care of yourself first - love and accept yourself unconditionally. It seems that your husband and/or your children take you for granted and maybe they do not know how you really feel. Maybe they thought that you wouldn’t want to go out with them anyway (as you are “too sore to move let alone be active”)? Your husband seems to be in denial of your condition and is trying to wish it away by giving you time alone? Anyway, whatever it is, it does not mean that “they’d be free-er without you”…more likely they’d be lost without you…
I know you don’t want to burden anyone, but maybe you can let your family know how much it means to you spending time together with them…so they have a chance to consider?
There are ups and downs. You got better for a while. You can get better again. Your kids are growing up. They may be able to understand you better as they get older. How you think and feel will also change…
Please hang in there…
I know you believe that they would be free-er without you. But thats the depression etc thinking those thoughts. Please just consider that these are in fact how we can think when we have extreme anxiety, depression and are physically ill. But its not the real truth. your chidlren would be more encumbered if their mum died. Its just too hard for you to see this in the moment :hugtackles: and I do understand that
You have people here who care about you. Even if you may not see you are a good person, I can see it. I can feel it. And I know it. There are people here who will support you ( hold you up) while you find your way back to getting the help you so deserve, for starters. And then even after that.
You arent alone. You reached out. And thats a great step. Then you made that phone call to the care co-coordinator which is great. If you in fact have aghausted their resources, please try to explain to them that you will not be in resistance this time. And you need for them to give you another chance. But I also know that I think people are giving up on me when in fact I find out they are not.
Most important, just know that you have reached out here. And you will have people to support you while you get the help that you so very much deserve. :hug: and :flowers: for you dear Ditsy
You have people here who care about you. Even if you may not see you are a good person, I can see it. I can feel it. And I know it. There are people here who will support you ( hold you up) while you find your way back to getting the help you so deserve, for starters. And then even after that.
You arent alone. You reached out. And thats a great step. Then you made that phone call to the care co-coordinator which is great. If you in fact have aghausted their resources, please try to explain to them that you will not be in resistance this time. And you need for them to give you another chance. But I also know that I think people are giving up on me when in fact I find out they are not.
Most important, just know that you have reached out here. And you will have people to support you while you get the help that you so very much deserve. :hug: and :flowers: for you dear Ditsy
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