Deceased!

Status
Not open for further replies.
Its my fault he has the bone disease in the first place. I deserve to die for passing this on to my children!
I'mnot picking on this comment to make you feel bad or look bad.

I know that I've said some silly things - hopefully not here - well, actually - I should at least make one post when I'm feeling bad - but I have my own system there.

Well - what you say in quotes - kinda Hitler like really! Your actually lining up anyone with a genetic disorder and saying "Lets kill them and stop this happening to others"

And children with genetic disorders? Surely - the mixed up thoughts you have and I have - do actually lead us to say some things which in hindsight - we are horrified at!

Well - don't be horrified - I've told people I would nuke the world for feeling down - and it is a teeny bit over the top! In reality - if I did nuke the world - I'd feel bery bad about it afterwards - as I realised everyone here was dead - and I'd be a depressed guy - whose only cure was helping others.

I'd have nobody to say "Don't kill yourself peacelovingguy"

Apart from like a million voices in my head screaming "Die you bas**** die!"

Actually singing it - like a football crowd - and the chant of 'die you bas**** die!" is a real chant - we sing it when some player falls over and cries. I mean the other teams players! lol - football! What the hell am I talking about that to you for Ditsy? I'm trying to persuade you live!!!!

Anyhow - I'm raising the one quote off you to persuade you that we all say silly things - and we have moments in which thinking is clouded and flawed. We come here to this fantastic forum because we know we can say things - we can confess to the stuff we cannot say to others - not even loved ones.

The most I've ever said to a loved one is "I tried some anti depressants - they were **** - I felt like dying - but hey ho!" - I'm casual about it - but only ever told one person to their face.

And my doctor also - I see him once every 4 weeks and say "I still feel like dying everyday" - He hates people who do not beleive in depression - he has seen enough people in my area buy a ticket via suicide. Anyhow - I have no reason to be depressed - apart from just having it.

I got no ex issues - had parents who loved me - never got abused - got bullied - done some bullying - decided to just bully bullies as it feels right somehow. I liked school - never went to uni and I could fool ANY psych because I think most of them have more issues than me.

I saw a psych aged 15 - he was fascinated - I tried to steal his wallet - he was - er, given a wake up call maybe.

But he said I was normal despite the fact I told him I could cheerfully blow up the school. This was before the war on terror when you could joke about blowing up things. These days - its like - jail for joking at American passport control - tell them you have a bomb and Allah told you to use it- they will not laugh! You cannot even scare the pilot mid flight these days by saying 'This is a hijack' Bah! Spoil the fun in life!

Anyhow - sorry for the diversion there!

back on topic....

You have some genetic disorder - you found out when your child was born.

ANY of us could have a child - and for a myriad of reasons that child may only have a short life span. Children with cancer for example - I've known a few and the parents - sure they blame themselves - every parent of a child who suffers anything will blame themselves - but they know its a process - we blame ourselves - but we tell others and they tell us to not be silly. To think again!

Your child has love from you - I can sense that - you'd die to save him - and if the docs said they needed to chop off your head to save him - you'd say "Sharpen the knife!"

But we rarely get the chance to actually be able to sacrifice our life for others. Soldiers perhaps - they might get that chance - and I envy them in some ways because that kind of love for a brother - its why soldiers always feel a great sense of kinship with each other.

In our life - we can only give of our lives - our time - our energy - our love. Sometimes children get ill - and its the hardest part of life I guess. For a parent - another life is more important than theirs. For many people its having a child which taps into this level of love. This is a shame really as we have this love in us - regardless of being parents or not.

I think children bring it out of people.

Its hard to sit with some children aged 5-11 and not not feel the love they have - I mean - that unconditional kind of love - the caring and easy way they express it.

And you son - with his condition - I'm sure you have felt this from hi,. Indeed it is part of the reason you will not die.

As for counselling - you are charged because the household income is such you cannot get benefits?

Surely - there is a way here. My brain schemes - in the UK there are ways and means. You live together and are penalised for it!

Surely a disabled child - those demands - the sheer pressure - we ought to be able to get counselling on the NHS or via some charity for mums like you coping with very difficult circumstances.

Do you not claim any benefits?

If you struggle to pay £25 for counselling - well - I'd suspect you could claim something and many think they are too proud to claim.

NO!!!!!!

Its actually stupid not to claim!

You owe it to those who fought for this right.

Anyhow if you need help do PM us as I know people into this - professionals who deal with maybe a dozen cases a day and win almost all of them. Good women who care and work hard to make sure we get what is ours.

I have no shame there.

I've paid in - now I'm taking it out.

Good luck Ditsy!

It gets better - I'm 46 and feel like being 42 was cool - but now its like ice.

My prayers and best wishes for your son and your other child.

Stand as one with me - now we ate two - and the army increases!!

We will be millions before long - prisons overflowing - actually falling over!

And still we march onwards - everything in our path will fall - and if I fall - throw my body at whatever loser stands in our way - I'll come back to life and clone myself!

You gotta be optimistic IF you have one tiny hope in the UK.
 
Ditsy -

:hug: I agree with what others have said here. And I feel badly for you that you feel this way, when you have no need to blame yourself. I understand its what we do, yet I also understand it is incorrect to do so.

Please lean on us here. Please try and absorb some of the good things we are all saying about you, because they are true.

You are not to blame, absolutely not.

Always here if you need, please take care of you, you are so generous with your caring for others.
 

flowers

Senior Member
All the negativity in this thread is breaking my heart. :(

Can we all just try to be a little more positive?
I am sorry that this is bothering you. But it is very important to support those we love and care about. Please do not take this the wrong way. But perhaps you might want to read threads started by people who are in a better place in life. And avoid the threads where people are in deep pain.
Blessings for you
 

BornFree

Well-Known Member
ust to say still here... and still struggling... not sure if increase in meds woulda made a difference by now... yesterday was actually feeling a bit better then got home to letter saying son's op postponed from 1st now to 21st Sept!! We've got a mini break booked to go away 23rd... so now I am stumped do we lose our holiday - we can't really ask to postpone son's op...

My son is devastated he was just getting his head round the 1st now to wait another 20 days and its really going to interfere with his schooling now. He is sad at losing holiday by the sea and I have the wind knocked out of my sails. H has to try change his leave dates (as he'd have to look after DD) and his work is already unimpressed as is... whenis all this going to stop, when do things start going right for a change?

I am so sorry for all the negativity Eagles fan, I never want to upset anyone for any reason. I guess thats kinda why I'm here cause everything keeps going wrong and I feel like ending it permanently.

Peaceloving guy... your thoughtful honest and insightful post means more than you know... so much truth and wisdom to absorb... FOR ALL YOUR KINDNESS AND SUPPORT... Thank you!

Mo, Flowers and IV I will forever treasure you and am so thankful for all your kindness and support!

My Dad was Hitler like in his sadism, not really as he passed on the bone disease, but that he was ultra mean, controlling, sadistic... for all his victims he cared so little and right to the end of his life he was unremorseful and held onto his superior attitude. Both in looks and attitude right or wrong... I dont know... I don't know anything anymore... I guess with his silly little moustache he just reminded me of Hitler.

I am still struggling with my flawed character at my irrational jealousy of others health and healthy children... and their seemingly perfect lives... then there is the self hatred and endless recrimination at the fact that THERE ARE SO MANY WHO ARE WORSE OFF AND REALLY REALLY STRUGGLING!!! SO WHAT RIGHT DO I HAVE TO COMPLAIN OR BE NEGATIVE... DO I SUBMIT TO MY HEARTFELT FEELINGS OR SQUASH THEM INSTEAD TRYING TO DO THE HONOURABLE THING OF BEING OR TRYING TO BE POSITIVE!!

uRRRGGHHH SORRY!

I hope everyone else is doing better than I am...

hugs Ditsy x
 

flowers

Senior Member
(((( Hugs for Ditsy)))))
Iam sorry his operation was rescheduled. Maybe it can be put off for a couple more weeks? so you all can take the holiday as scheduled? I hope that H and you can figure it out so that you all can still have your holiday. You so deserve that.

I am not surprised at all to hear about your father. It makes so much sense to me that you would have had an extremely abusive dad (or mom, or both). you are such a good person though. you are not like him. But I am sure that he emotionally beat you down every time you breathed. So it makes sense that you think you are so bad etc. right? It makes sense that you blame yourself. You had a good teacher for that. yes? But thats not really the truth of who you are. Your dad taught you lies about who you are. you are good. Of course there are a lot of people "wose off". But your pain is real and deep. Yes. And you say there are a lot of people who are really struggling. But you ARE really struggling. Your pain is still real. Very real, indeed. And your pain is not your fault. No matter who says it said it is.

I do understand jelousey of some people. When we are in so much pain yes, i think jelousey is a logical feeling. I want to be like a lot of other people I see. I see people in the grocery store. And I want to be free like they are. Or I see someone with their husband, being kind to one another. Or with their child. And i know i will never have that. I just look at these people and know I will never expereice the peace and joy of that. Of course there are millions of people worse off than I in many respects. But that does not change the pain and isolation and alienation and deep shame I feel about myself. I do feel envious of them. Because they are free. And they have themselves. And just like I am not bad for feeling these things, you are not bad either for feeling the jelousey that you feel. It comes from deep pain, not flawed character. Or thats what I think anyway.

You do not have to put on a mask of being positive here. I do not think you "compalin", by the way. Nor do I think you are being negative. You are in real pain. Very real pain. and it is not your fault.

You can say what you feel here. Please do not supress your heartfelt feelings and thoughts here. This is one safe place where you can bring your pain. A place where you can be honest about what you feel. Yes there may be someone who needs to read positive things. But this is a big website and there are many many threads to read. Just like you may not be drawn to certain threads, and I am not drawn to certain threads, so it is. So please do be honest about how you feel. Your friends here do want that for you. Just be honest. okay sweetie? I see your good heart. :hugtackles: :flowers: :hugtackles: :rose: :hugtackles:
 

IV2010

Well-Known Member
(((( Hugs for Ditsy)))))
But your pain is real and deep. Yes. And you say there are a lot of people who are really struggling. But you ARE really struggling. Your pain is still real. Very real, indeed. And your pain is not your fault. No matter who says it is.

You do not have to put on a mask of being positive here. I do not think you "compalin", by the way. Nor do I think you are being negative. You are in real pain. Very real pain. and it is not your fault.

You can say what you feel here. Please do not supress your heartfelt feelings and thoughts here. This is one safe place where you can bring your pain. A place where you can be honest about what you feel. Yes there may be someone who needs to read positive things. But this is a big website and there are many many threads to read. Just like you may not be drawn to certain threads, and I am not drawn to certain threads, so it is. So please do be honest about how you feel. Your friends here do want that for you. Just be honest. okay sweetie? I see your good heart. :hugtackles: :flowers: :hugtackles: :rose: :hugtackles:
I totally agree with flowers Ditsy..
you keep talking for as long as you need to..
this is the ''suicide forum" not the "coffee House"
if our lives were all positive we wouldn't need to be on SF

:hugtackles:
 

BornFree

Well-Known Member
Thank you Flowers and IV... :hugtackles: if I knew how I'd highlight your posts to say Thank you properly! xxxx

OMG H is on the phone at the moment ringing hospital to try postpone op till after holiday...

I am shaking... absolutely terrified!!! What are we doing? Is it the right thing to try postpone the op - what if the next date they give us clashes with his exams? What if he worsens and its all our fault! Am I selfish for wanting to try and preserve our holiday by the sea... am I trying to put a price on my son's health? He was supposed to go in tomorrow... they have only changed the op 5 times!! OMG I just don't know... I don't know anything anymore...

Oh I can't do this... the terror of everything, he's still sleeping and so its the dillemma of do I wake him just to check he's ok, when maybe he needs his sleep. And its one of those days where my head really hurts, I hate this IIH - I hate waking up with a headache and feeling hungover when I haven't had the "fun" of getting drunk in the first place! AND I sound sooo..oo..oo negative! Sorry!

This train wreck of a life is on a collision course over which I have NO say... I am hopeless, helpless and its all in the lap of the God's - I have to lap it up..., suck it up with a smile and accept whatever gets shovelled at me and (hide all the fans possible in the hope that none of it hits the fan- warped humour - sorry!)

Apart from a few on SF I have no one who cares, no one who rings just to care for me or to see how I am! Invisible - I always feel like I'm invisible!! When people avoid me, all I can do is try and be as small and inconspicuous as possible! Leave them to live their lives and not impose myself on anyones life!

As much as it proves what a selfish and disgusting human being that I am... I am a parent who is suicidal... same as my Mum, and I know how her confessions hurt me deeply... as a result I have never let my children know that i don't want to live any more... and never will, even after my last serious attempt as it affected my heart they think and always will think... that it was all down to heart probs!! I wish I could get my children to a happy secure enviroment and end this excuse of a life once and for all! People are so sick of hearing anything I say and I have lost friends even on here, but its like I have hit a wall and can't get past it! If it weren't for my children being at home - today would most definately be the day!
 
Ditsy

You are NOT selfish nor disgusting. You have just so much going on, its becoming and has become overwhelming for you. There is nothing wrong with your thoughts nor expressing them here, in fact its a positive thing rather than keeping all to yourself.

I understand about feeling invisible and I, too, have lost some friends from here too. I know it hurts, the same as when things like this happen irl.

Please try and calm down. I honestly believe things work out for the best, whatever way they fall. Last week as you know I had to go have something done. Well I was scared as I'm a caregiver so I need my health to look after others. I wasn't sure I'd made the right choice and perhaps still I doubt myself a little. But right now those I am looking after are doing okay, it has pushed them a little to do some more for themselves which isn't a bad thing.

A while ago someone close to me was given the option of an operation that was extremely important. Rather than rush into that, they thought about it, did some fun things they wanted to in the meantime and then had the op. did that make their prognosis worse? Probably not, but the enjoyment they had in doing things on their own time frame along with doing something fun before the op were precious.

I'm not sure if I'm being clear here. The truth is that none of us know. We could drop over tomorrow or be here to see 100. The same for people with illnesses. Again, the person I am caregiving wasn't even meant to make it this far, so you just don't know. There are no time stamps on any of our feet.

Whatever you decide to do will be the right decision for you and your family. Be confident in that decision, whatever it may be. And trust yourself to be comfortable with that.

It hurts me to see you so sad Ditsy - I wish there were more I could do. Is there anyway you can get a few minutes each day to yourself, like completely to yourself to do something that you enjoy, that would feel your soul?

Please try and look after yourself, always here.

Big, big hugs. :arms:
 

flowers

Senior Member
Hi Ditsy
I am sorry the pain is so great. I agree with what Mo has said. You are not selfish or disgusting. you are not a bad person.

I understand only too well about losing friends because of my mental/emotional condition. I know the feeling of not having the phone ring. I have one friend. She calls to talk about herself. If I talk about myself, the subject gets changed within a heartbeat. I know full well the feeling that I am worthess and disgusting and selfish. I know the feeling of knowing I should just stay away from people. I just wanted to let you know you are not alone in that :( Although I know this does not change the excruciating pain of being without support. For you it is harder. Because you are alone with a husband who causes more hurt than support, to put it mildly.

Here is what comes to mind, from my past expereince. When I was younger I had a nervous breakdown. I went to a psychiatrist for help. She did offer hospitalization. But I told her I would prefer outpatient. So that happened. I was in individual and group therapy. I did make friends in the group therapy. They were support people. I was in another support group years later. Same thing. Thats where I found my friends, at the time. I have heard this said from many people. That they found support people from group therapy.

I know the thought of this might frighten you. I understand that. But still I do want to suggest it to you. Do you think you could ask about group therapy? Because you may find your support system within that. There are other people out there in your community who are alone and need support system as well.

I think that when we are in this much pain, taking any action that is restorative can feel literally overwhelming and almost impossible.
I want support for you irl, in addition to here. And I am glad you wrote what you did here. I am proud of you for bringing the words here. Where it is safe. A place where you are loved by many. :hugtackles::hugtackles::arms: :hug: all for you
 

BornFree

Well-Known Member
Thank you Mo and Flowers... :hug:


I don't know what to say... my thoughts are all over the place, I can't concentrate on anything, I am literally terrified! I just want to run and run....
I am really scared, I don't know if perhaps I am Bi- polar - if I had to say exactly how I am feeling I think they'd admit me again.

Oh God I don't think I can do this thing called life, I need to go fetch my daughter and go spend how long trying to look the "part" of a reasonably "together" Mum and have my mask on so I can feel as close to confident as possible trying not to shake visibly or burst into tears. Urrrggghhh I just want to ...........!!!!

I am sorry for not answering messages etc I just can't think straight enough to read and formulate my thoughts... Sorry! I hope you are all ok.
Take care
 

total eclipse

SF Friend
Staff Alumni
Hugs to you hun i hope spending some time with your daughter helps pull you out of this confusion hun be honest with your doc okay so you can keep safe hugs
 
Ditsy - :hug:

You've nothing to apologize for at all, you are trying to look after yourself and this is good.

Please know and remember so many here care for and about you, lean on us if you need to.
 

BornFree

Well-Known Member
Thanks TE and Mo

Just logged on to say Goodbye in my diary... and saw your post Mo, thank you.
H is at work and house is quiet... too quiet I guess that it seems easier tonight. I took your advice TE and tried to be honest at least about the pain. So Dr rang last night and increased my dose of the nerve blocker I take 3x a day and this morning was great most pain free I have been in months so I went out with family and came home to the pain being worse than ever.
I don't want to be down or in pain anymore, I don't want to be whinging and complaining so much that others think me negative. I also got letter from pdoc today saying they have put me on waiting list for taking therapies and I'd get a letter about appt for assessment, but theres 13 week wait.
DS has taken to watching ER with me and he was asking all sorts of questions about ward security and I was blindly answering them when he went quiet and then it dawned on me that I think he has put 2 and 2 together... remembering visiting me in Feb in hosp and all the security and specialised entrances for children visiting etc I feel so crap, I never wanted to lose his trust and confidence, but I think I have now. I don't want him growing up with the stigma and shame... oh God I have made such a mess of things. And I am sounding all negative again sorry.

I don't know where the line in the sand is anymore... whats right, whats wrong , whats acceptable whats not... where do I have a right to my own feelings and where I quash everything and keep up the pretense. When is enough enough...??? STILL waiting for pain clinic, I just want to be pain free or at least have the pain lessened to a bearable level... if I were a dog I would be deceased by now, someone would have put me out of my misery, done that last humane act... oh God sorry have to go!

Shit tears again, I really need to say Goodbye
 
Ditsy -

No goodbyes, please....

We are here for you, okay?

Pain is so hard to deal with that it can cloud your judgement and your emotions about other things. If you could get that finally sorted out, it would help a lot.

You are a great person, please let me know how I can help.

:console:
 

BornFree

Well-Known Member
Oh Mo...:hug:
Thank you, I know you have so many of your own troubles, you don't need me to add to them.
Its just this God awful pain, I know 2 of the dr's in pain clinic have retired so their dept is in a shambles so its taking a while I get that, I just can't handle this pain its killing me. At the moment its the headache as well as pain in my legs and pain clinic will just give me a mobile epidural so won't help the pain in my head. I just can't do this anymore, I can't even drink in case it makes my head any worse. I want to die now, I need to die now.

Take care of you xx
 
Hey -

you are NOT adding to anything, it hurts me to see you in such pain, you are a good, good person.

Can they give you something for the pain in your head? Along with the epidural? Is there anyone you can call right now?

Can you stay here and pm me for a bit?? Or perhaps is there someone else you can call to talk with? You do not need to die hon, please. I know this is so hard, and it may feel like the right decision, but its not.

:hug: Am here.....
 

flowers

Senior Member
Ditsy, please sweetie stay with us Its very important to those who love you here that you do not leave us. I think that it may be okay for DS to know what you went through then. It may someday help him to know this, Ditsy. And he may well feel no stigma at all. No, not at all.

I am so sorry for the physical pain. I wish there was a way you could get some better pain medication. Can you keep trying and trying? Be like the squeeky wheel that gets the grease? ( an experssion, if you have not heard it before). Sometimes in the medical field we have to persist endlessly in asking for what we need. otherwise we get passed over because it is not our turn. But there are serious cases that always are taken as emergency. So can you be that squeeky wheel????? I now someone who has RA and finally got some pain meds that work. I can ask her what it is. I know she was on morphine. I will ask her. Shes a fb friend. :hug: :hugtackles: for your wonderful heart. Please keep trying to reach out for help irl. As much as you possibly can. You are doing much much better with that than you were when you started this thread. I am so sorry you are in great pain.
 

BornFree

Well-Known Member
Thanks, sorry I kinda freaked out last night. The pain was so intense and unbearable and H not being here and I am majorly trigerry at the moment, doesn't help watching E.R and other programmes where suicide appears unannounced and completely out of the blue.

I guess it doesn't help that my plan is still so easy to carry out. At times like this morning where pain is almost doable I am ok ish, but when pain really intensifies and there is no end in sight I freak out. Thanks Mo there's not much they can do re headache - result of neurosurgery that they were a bit over zealous with so will forever have to live with the headache and any other side effects that occur.

Thanks Flowers, I am allergic to Morphine and throw up uncontrollably and even iv anti emetics (anti nausea meds) don't help. I'm kinda stuck with meds as I still need to be ok to drive as mobility wise doing bus thing would be a nightmare.I don't know what else to do, the last time I saw GP she made a comment about NOT wasting NHS money - I think as a result of seeing my OD and hospitalization on my records. So I'm kinda scared of going to G.P.'s I guess like a dog that is kicked enough crawls away to die I feel like doing the same I don't have it in me to fight for medical help anymore.

So today trying to be a good Mum and trying to fight thoughts, tonight H is working again so temptation will be strong again.

Thank you so much for your posts and care, means more than you will ever know.

Hope you have a good weekend xx
 

flowers

Senior Member
the last time I saw GP she made a comment about NOT wasting NHS money - I think as a result of seeing my OD and hospitalization on my records. So I'm kinda scared of going to G.P.'s I guess like a dog that is kicked enough crawls away to die I feel like doing the same I don't have it in me to fight for medical help anymore.
Ditsy, what this doctor said amounts to malpractice, as far as I am concerned. This is not what the hipocratic oath is about. If she is your regular GP would it be possible to change? I do hope so. Because you deserve to be treated with great compassion. And you deserve a doctor who will never give up on you. I am so sorry you are in this much pain. Just keep up hope that somewhere out there is some kind of nerve blocker that will stop this pain. :hug: :hugtackles:
 
Status
Not open for further replies.

Please Donate to Help Keep SF Running

Total amount
$70.00
Goal
$255.00
Top