Decided to go

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by betteroff, Jan 22, 2009.

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  1. betteroff

    betteroff Member

    In a short period of time I'll either be dead or at hospital in the most severe condition. Though what I am going to jump is something so high that if I do happen to survive it will be called a bloody miracle.

    How do I feel? Happy. Am I even a tiny bit afraid of the deed ahead? No. Do I have in my most depressed mind at least a tiniest bit of will to live? Nope.

    The world holds no meaning whatsoever for me, anymore. For background I guess I could say I've been abused and wronged in my life so badly it's a wonder I'm not in the front of every newspaper there even is. Everything I have ever believed in has been raped, everything anyone has ever believed in has been raped and jumped on in front of my very watching eyes.

    Why would I live? Maybe it is indeed rare what has happened to me - but it did and therefore it *is* the reality. For me it is and for me it is this world. Why would I want to live in a world where there is nothing more beyond anguish, malevolence and people acting as if psychopaths?

    I cannot even begin to explain how sick and tired I am - of everything. And I just don't care. It's as simple as this regarding to how is it that I feel: I just don't care. I just want to go away, and for good.

    This post holds no point whatsover, I am not going to change my mind and I'm definitely not pro-life but I just felt the need for a rhapsody.
  2. Don't Follow

    Don't Follow Member

    That moment of clarity and peace is wonderful, no?

    I've had that feeling many times. But could I ask you something?

    Could you tell me, if you don't mind, what is the exact reason which led to the edge on which you now stand?
  3. betteroff

    betteroff Member

    It indeed is.

    Death of my mother. Now being on orphan sucks pretty much to no end. Deaths of several of my relatives. Sexual abuse. Physical violence. Abusive relationships. Severe bullying even all the way to the point where some nutcase decided to break into my computer, read my diary and delightfully share it with everyone. It gets only worse but for that this post should be censored and someone would think I was a troll anyway.
  4. snowraven

    snowraven Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear about your mother and the way you have been treated but not everyone in the world is lke the people you have met. There are some good people out there as well. People who do care. A lot of people like that here at the forum. Don't give up on meeting good people yet. Also you mention jumping. Have you thought of the person who will have to scrape you up afterwards. I climb a lot because it makes me feel alive. I've seen first hand what a mess someone can be after a big fall. It's not nice. I've also heard about people who have had massive falls and just ended up paralysed. Think carefully about what you are planning. Life is always a better option if you can find the strength. Best wishes.
  5. Don't Follow

    Don't Follow Member

    I can only imagine the hardships you've had to go through.

    But just tell me this, what conclusion have you come to now?

    Now when you think things clearly, what do you finally conclude about people and life in general?

    I can tell you that when I had come to the point you are at now, I realised that life is what we make of it, and that people mostly are just trying to be happy and hide their insecurities. Everyone time someone had hurt me, I saw a weakness in them and a longing to be accpeted and loved.

    Now you have come to some other conclusion, but I can tell you that everything we go through has meaning attached to it.

    Nothing is just a random cruel or generous act, everything has a purpose. And all the shit that I went through taught me to look at things from other's prespectives and see life for what it is.

    I'm sorry if I went a little philosophical there. What I'm trying to say is that at the end of the day, no one can stop a determined mind, but whatever you do, don't hold any grudges. Make your peace with the world, just accpet the things that happened and don't look at them as bad and good, they were just things that happened.

    By the way, I like the conversation we are having, you want to continue it?
  6. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Just a quick note to say I am so saddened to hear what you have been through and that there are ppl here who understand and can respect you...please PM me if I can be of any support...big hugs, J
  7. betteroff

    betteroff Member

    It's a cliff the height of 340 meters, alias 20 meters higher than Eiffel Tower and so remote I would not receive medical help maybe even for days. Nothing is ever certain but I know that's as close to it as it can get.

    I'm a whole lot more surprised when people act kind instead of mean. It is sad but I think that in general tells quite a lot.
  8. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Please don't jump off that cliff betteroff. :sad:
  9. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi betteroff,

    Please don't do it :(

    I am sorry for your loss. Have you received any professional help for your depression and coping with the abuse.

    Not everyone is bad hun, a lot of us are good people, please stay for us :hug:
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