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Deciding whether or not to kill myself.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by GreenChick, Jan 6, 2009.

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  1. GreenChick

    GreenChick Active Member

    Basically, I have been depressed and struggling for many years. I almost died when I was four from complications of the flu, and if I had a dollar for every time I said I wished I had died then I'd be a millionarre. I've tried to kill myself a dozen times, and I have failed, and I have regretted failing each time. I wish I had killed myself when I first tried, at 12, and now I am 33, and still I havne't done it, and I wish I hadn't had to have lived the last 11 years. Damn it, I'm like a cockroach, I'm hard to kill.

    But I want to get it over with.

    To add to that, I am a burden. I am one humongous burden on everyone. I burden my friends, I burden my family, I just had to borrow from them to keep the electric company from shutting off my power, and I even had to go to a church to borrow money. That is pathetic, I am not even their religion but I didn't know where else to turn. I"m now on foodstamps and disibility.

    I deserve to die. I deserve to suffer majorly.

    And I have chosen my method, and I will suffer with it, its a painful method. But I am going to (if I do it) arrange it so that strangers find me. I just don't want to hurt anyone. I know that police and paramedics are hardened but I dont' want to traumatize them when they find me hanging there with my face all purple and swollen. I'm sure they'll get over it though, and maybe I'll don a black plastic bag to hide my face. I don't mean to sound flip.....

    Are there any good reasons why I shouldn't do it?
  2. fromthatshow

    fromthatshow Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I can't give you any reason why not to do it, because I can't think of any reasons myself, but I can tell you that no one deserves to suffer. Not me, not you, not anyone.
    Do you somehow deserve to suffer, while everyone else deserves happiness? You deserve happiness too, and you can feel better even though you're life situation seems very difficult and trapped probably at the moment.
    You're not a bad person, I don't care what you've done :hug:
  3. Alexpt2

    Alexpt2 Well-Known Member

    The new season of American Idol is starting soon. Must see t.v. right there.
  4. GreenChick

    GreenChick Active Member

  5. snowraven

    snowraven Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear you are feeling so bad. I know what it's like because I have been there myself. The thing that stopped me is that I don't know how to do it without hurting someone. Whoever finds you will go through a really traumatic experience no matter how hardened to it they may be and covering your face isn't going to stop that. Also you are bound to leave some people devastated. Depression plays the trick on us of making us believe we are worthless and that nobody cares so we think the world will be better off without us. Don't believe that for one minute. I am sure you will have someone somewhere who cares. Most of us here at sf have been in the same state of mind and that in itself becomes a bond. It's like we are all one big family and even though we may not get on with everyone even here, I know I would be saddened if anyone here commited. Please try to carry on. I know how corny it can sound but the truth is that none of us know what is around the next corner. Pm me if you need to talk. I'm here most evenings and will always answer as soon as I can. Best wishes.
  6. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Hi GreenChick. I think that you're a very strong and resilient person to have survived so many suicide attempts. This might also be God's way of telling you that you're not meant to die anytime now. Why not make the most of your life while you're still alive? Please don't hang yourself hun. :hug:
  7. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    beacuse this guy made you smile, and i'm sure made you giggle a little too, even if it was only a 'ha' inside your head..

    made me do it anyway

    welcome hun
  8. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    I love watching the opening auditions and hearing Simon Cowell's comments. I just love watching him crush the hopes of those who have deluded themselves into thinking that they can actually sing when they really can't. :laugh:
  9. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Greenchick,
    You know your family will be devestated to find out you have commited. They probably haven't told you lately but I am sure you are loved by them. Is there any family like siblings you can move in with? You don't need to be alone trying to fight depression? You also should be seeing a therapist to help you cope with life on a dailey basis.
    I am also suicidal and have attempted a couple of times. For the last fourteen years I have fought the thoughts dailey and have been in the hospital ten times. I am going back in again thursday because I was all set to commit on New Years Eve. I had a friend from the forum who didn't give up on me and I promised him I would try the hospital again. I think it is the right choice for now. If you find yourself in crisis please don't harm yourself, go into the hospital where you will be safe and have time to think things over.
    Do you have any hobbies? Maybe take a night course in something! Join a group of something you are interested in! Sit down and talk to your family about what is happening with you! Just keep your options open, who knows you may find something that will distract your thoughts! I hope you stay safe! I also want to remind you that you have friends here on the forum. I have made several and have opened up and they can't shut me up now!LOL. I don't talk to anyone except my therapist on the outside. I don't even talk to my shrink, all I give him is yes or no. He cuts you off when you try to say anything so I just quit trying to talk to him. Take Care of yourself!!~Joseph~
  10. fromthatshow

    fromthatshow Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    :laugh: that was going to be my response. He made me giggle too.
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