Decision made/Tracks covered

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by tristan, Apr 17, 2009.

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  1. tristan

    tristan Member

    Had a good look through the forum and read all the rules before this, my first post.

    It's not a cry for help. It's not an "Oh please will somebody just give me attention" post. It's an opportunity for you to ask me any question you want. Since this forum is pro-life, it will be more than happy to know I've slaved over a flawless plan to ensure all my organs will be perfect for instant donation when the time is right.

    I'm not out of my mind, depressed, or wanting for anything. In fact, I've never had more clarity and peace of mind than I do right now. I could sit down beside you and logically explain, step-by-step, the sound reasoning behind my imminent actions.

    If anyone is doing a research project, or works in the field, you now have a golden opportunity to contact me and ask me questions that you've always wanted to ask someone who has their mind made up. If your intent is to dissuade me, I respectfully ask that you please save your words for someone who may give them heed.

    Admins: I sincerely apologise if my post is not in keeping with the ethos of the site. It would be fruitless to contact any law enforcement, because I created a username and e-mail for this purpose, and I've hijacked someone else's wireless internet access without their knowledge. Sorry, but tracks needed to be covered!

    Go ahead people... I'm all yours.
  2. jameslyons

    jameslyons Well-Known Member

    Hi Tristan welcome to the forum.

    Without sounding too callus I don't think there will be many people interested in learning from you as the majority of members on this site are suicidal with a long history of major depression and attempts. You're not alone in how you feel and almost every person who attempts suicide is familiar with the feelings of peace you describe.

    There's no reason to ever kill yourself. And if your logic tells you there is, then you're not thinking clearly. And that's ok. Every person on this site has seven hundred different reasons why they should logically kill themselves. Fortunately none stand to reason.

    I don't know your method of ending your life, but there's a great chance that your organs will not be harvested. Chemical means ensure that your organs are contaminated and violent means imply that you'll do it somewhere away from people so it'll take a while for your corpse to be found (and by the way have you considered the ethics of forcing somebody to find your corpse either family or stranger?).

    I don't mean to come off dismissive, but it's important you realize that you're not alone in what you're feeling and that lots of people on this site have similar pains and struggles in their life, whether it's abuse, financial troubles, social troubles, chronic struggles, medical issues. You are not alone in what you're feeling or what you're facing.

    So tell us what you're thinking if the world is dark and as dreary as the backdrop to Hamlet. Articulate your logic if life has shown itself to be a banal insignificant chemical reaction. Communicate your frustrations if the world has grown seedy with the wanton cruelty of humanity until you can no longer step onto a bus without drowning in the self-wrought suffering of the passengers.

    Regardless how you see yourself, your friends and family will be devastated by your death. They always are, they're never ok.

    I'm not here to convince you to not kill yourself, but I am asking you to look at your logic with a cynical eye. You say you don't want to make a cry for attention, but you did. You ask strangers to talk to you and to learn from you. The question is why are you so set on dying as a way to express yourself. The world is for the living, and no matter how articulate your death, the moment you are gone you become irrelevant to the world.

    So stick around. The good news is you're dying anyway.
  3. Godsdrummer

    Godsdrummer Guest


    You stated that you didnt want people to desuade you. And that you feel completely at ease, however I find it interesting that the forum in which you chose to post your intent was the crisis forum.

    This room, as you know is for people who are suffering. Interesting that you say in so many words, that you are not. And still you posted in the crisis forum.
  4. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    I agree with this.

    Why is it you felt the need to post?

    I'm not saying it's wrong that you did, just wondering your intent behind it.
  5. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Agreed; I had the same thought when I first read this post. If you're totally comfortable with your decision, why is your post in the Crisis forum?
  6. tristan

    tristan Member

    Hi everyone, and thanks for all the replies.

    The biggest question seems to be why did I post here? Simple one to answer - there's nowhere else on the site that I could have posted it, and all things considered, it would probably have been moved here anyway by someone who thinks I AM going through a crisis. Hope that answers that one.

    jameslyons said "There's no reason to ever kill yourself" but this is his opinion which may be shared, but I disagree. This is my body. I own it and I can do whatever I like with it. Again, jameslyons goes on to state "if your logic tells you there is, then you're not thinking clearly" but again, this is opinion. My logic is not faulty and my reason for taking this decision will obviously not "stand to reason" in everybody's thought process - it does in mine though, and that's what matters here. We have different opinions and that's all there is to it. My opinion is no more or no less valid than yours.

    Like I stated previously, my method 100% guarantees my organs can (and hopefully will) be taken for harvest immediately following my passing. I have put a lot of time into learning the fine details about this, and when I say the plan is flawless, it's as close to flawless as it can possibly be, for what will happen.

    I'm not in financial trouble, I don't abuse any substances whatsoever, I have no struggles of any kind, and I am not in ill health. I've never been happier or healthier. I'm not frustrated with anything - the world is all sunshine, lollipops and rainbows as far as I'm concerned!

    My family and close friends are well provided for in my will. I'm sure they will miss me for a time, but they will get on with their lives and the world will continue to turn.

    Again jameslyons feels that my initial post is a cry for attention, but again, this is mere opinion and not fact. The purpose of my initial post was to invite questions from people who may have an academic (or similar) interest in the subject. If there are no such people here, then it will not matter to me at all. I just wanted to make myself available for as many questions as possible before the time comes.

    For what it's worth, I just have a few loose ends to tie up and then I'll be leaving you all. I really can't wait for it. I don't ever recall a time when I've been looking forward to something as much as this. Now that I've made the absolute decision and the ball is irreversibly rolling, I'm the happiest I've been in decades! :smile:
  7. Mightbehere

    Mightbehere Well-Known Member

    Well this is a support site for people in crisis...
    I hope you stay
  8. dreamachine

    dreamachine Active Member

    A suicide crisis forum, specifically members only, isn't going to have academic professionals, probably. I don't know why you'd think that. There are lots of other online message boards devoted to mental health and have mental health professionals that do post and are interested in learning. for example. This site, at least in theory, is for people who are suicidal looking for support and understanding from people who share their feelings when they feel there is no one else to talk to.

    I also have to agree that you probably are not really thinking rationally. As was stated, we've all felt that peace when it comes to our suicidal ideation. If you are as happy as you say you are, please tell me why you want to kill yourself? (If its inappropriate for the board I would like to hear in a PM because I'm very curious).

    I'm also not asking to "know" the method because I'm sure I've researched suicide methods enough that I'm already aware of whatever you say it so flawless. No method is a sure thing, so don't be surprised if you wake up alive, and I highly doubt all of your organs (or even most) will be fine to donate for someone else to use. Maybe they can be taken to be studied to see what happens when one poisons themselves or causes a violent death or whatever else that will kill you unnaturally, but that's not worth your life.

    As for your loved ones, it's kind of appalling that you suggest whatever you have for them in your will is enough for them. That makes them sound like they are selfish, cruel people and I'm willing to bet they are not. I've seen others discuss the suicide of loved ones and they talk about the money they got after the death but they'd ALWAYS trade all the money on earth to have that person back. It's not worth it to them, and I highly doubt it's worth it to your family as well. People will get over it because they have no choice. You can't ruin your life because of someone else's death, so you have to get over it, but that doesn't mean they will care any less or be hurt any less when they think of your memory 10, 20, 30 years or more from now.

    I urge you to please reconsider your decision, and please seek out the help that it seems like you are trying to ask for here. I know you insist that you aren't in crisis and aren't looking to have someone change your mind about your death, but please just give it some more though, and continue to share with us more details about what's going on, what is making you feel like you want to kill yourself? Especially if you are so happy.
  9. tristan

    tristan Member

    I used to think I was somewhat eloquent.

    I used to think that I had enough words in my vocabulary to get my message across without ambiguity but I'm either wrong, or some people don't seem to have a very good grasp of the English language, so I'll spell it out in small, easy-to-digest chunks.

    * I'm not here for help. At all. In any way.
    * I will not be reconsidering my decision. This is also not the reason I am here. My decision is 100% final, and is non-negotiable with any person.
    * I am thinking rationally. Anybody is entitled to their opinion. This is mine.
    * Please, before you reply, read my post again. I don't "feel like" I want to kill myself. It's a considered decision, not a feeling. Feelings never came into the decision-making process.

    To dreamachine: I'm willing to bet my house you're American. I know this because of your idyllic notion of "family". While they might not be the villains you portray, they certainly are materialistic, and none of them will be unhappy with what they been bequeathed.

    The reason I'm doing it is because I'm over the moon, ecstatic, and full of the joy and peace. In my opinion, which is just as valid as everybody else's, there's never a better time to bow out than when you're at the top of the mountain.

    Thanks for the link. I'll head over there now.
  10. shades

    shades Staff Alumni

    Well, you said we could ask you any question. So, if unlike most people at this forum who have a myriad of problems, if you have none (as you state in your second post I believe), why do you want to kill yourself?
  11. Sparklemama

    Sparklemama Well-Known Member

    Was about to ask this same question.
  12. tristan

    tristan Member

    Doesn't anybody actually read my posts? I'm not talking about skim-reading, I'm actually talking about taking in what I've typed out? I've already answered that here.
  13. girl_in_limbo

    girl_in_limbo Active Member

  14. shades

    shades Staff Alumni

    You're right, I didn't read your post correctly. So I'll ask other questions? What has brought you so much joy and peace? How old are you? Most people at the "top of the mountain" enjoy the view from there so why have you made a "considered decision" to end your life? Have you thought about helping others achieve the joy and peace you've discovered, so that we may continue to try and work out our problems? I'm sure that 99.9% of the people at this forum would love to know how you've achieved such spiritual happiness. You say to dreamachine that you are willing to "bet your house they are American".So, what's your nationality? I'd like to know what country or ethnicity produces an indivdual who has reached such a level of self-actualization that they are so willing to die at "top of the mountain". I think it's quite selfish of you not to pass this important information on to the rest of us. Also, why so condescending, to the point where you have to "spell it out in chunks"? If you've achieved the spritual, moral, ethical happiness you claim, why the need to belittle others?
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 21, 2009
  15. shades

    shades Staff Alumni

    And just a little more: Ghandi and Martin Luther King gave their lives for a just cause. Do you have such a cause? If so, what is it? I'll be on and off this site all day awaiting your enlightenment! In addition, nowhere in the ethos, rules or FAQ's, does it imply that anyone is interested in doing research or a project. This site is for people in need to recieve help or help others with a variety of problems. As far as I can see your thread and more specifically the continued posts questioning ohter's understanding of the English language is quite antagonistic.
  16. dreamachine

    dreamachine Active Member

    Yes, I am american. I definitely do not see family in an idyllic way, though. That's why I try to specify loved ones. Family can be cruel, and I know this first hand. There are people who care about you, though, and while most people want to have more money, it's not worth it to lose the person they care about.

    In your case, it's a mockery of everything people who work with suicide prevention do, and it's a mockery of life and of real suicidal pain.

    First of all, yeah it's an opinion but I'm guessing there will be many more people who agree with mine (and if you are dead, who even cares about your opinion?), and my opinion is that you are doing this seeking attention. Now, lots of people do attempt suicide in a desperate cry for help, but as you say you are happy, you can't be asking for help. So why are you doing this? If you are going to die, why bother posting on a board (one for people in suicidal crisis, at that) and asking for people to study you? You want the attention this brings, and you want people to know about you and why you say you are doing this.

    Your explanation for how you cannot be tracked down online was totally unnecessary because if you look around, you see people say they are going to kill themselves here all the time, we don't call 911 on all of them, so why would we for you? We do our best to help people in crisis, and sympathize because we all understand the impossible to express pain of being suicidal. We want to help, and you don't want help, so why are you doing this? It doesn't make sense to me, unless you are looking for help in a round about way (which I can see you will never admit to, so I will humor you and assume you don't want help).

    To kill yourself because you are happy seems disgustingly selfish. There is already the notion that suicide is selfish, and it isn't necessarily - it's usually a desperate attempt to escape insurmountable pain, and many people feel that they are a huge burden on their loved ones and their suicide will actually be a great relief for the other people.

    Why would you kill yourself because you are happy? It doesn't make sense. You can write a note, you can post on a million message boards explaining your logic, but once you are dead, no one is going to believe that. Maybe you don't care, since you will be dead, but if you are so set on letting the medical field know you can be rational, happy, and suicidal then you must care what people will think.

    No one will believe you were happy when you killed yourself because that is not a reason to do it. Why would you? You must feel like this is the high point in your life, so are you scared that your life might go downhill? That is understandable, but it's not a rational reason to kill yourself. If you are not afraid of your life going downhill since it's not the peak of you life, why don't you keep living to see how it gets better? I can find no logical reason a happy person would kill himself.

    People will probably say you suffered mental illness, which you are trying to say you do not. No one is going to believe that though, because no rational person is going to kill themselves because they are happy. If people do believe you feel happy and rational at the moment of your death, they are probably going to say that you suffer from a delusional, or psychotic, mental illness where you feel as though you honestly believe something but NO ONE else sees it that way. Guess what, when you're dead you won't be able to defend that.

    So here's what your rational, happy suicide leaves you:
    -Dead, maybe or maybe not in an afterlife (I don't care what you believe because it doesn't matter, you don't know what the afterlife holds and neither do I.) In the case of no afterlife, I guess none of this will matter to you, but I hope you'll be pleased to know the needless pain and suffering you'll cause people for your own selfish desire to die out of joy. If there is an afterlife, maybe you'll be punished, maybe you'll be in heaven, maybe you'll be forced to see what this act has done to people you care about and who care about you.
    -Your loved ones (not necessarily family) will be devastated. They will not be able to comprehend why you died. If you say you have no mental illness, they are going to be so confused about your claims of dying because you are happy. If you are so happy, why don't you continue being happy and living a happy life with them? Your happiness is so important to you that you don't care if your act of selfish happiness ruins their lives?
    -Doctors, police, media will be confused and probably say things about you that you don't agree with. No doctor is going to believe you were happy and rational. More than likely, as I said, they are going to say you were delusional and psychotic because rational, happy people don't kill themselves. Media treatment of suicides varies, but if your case strikes a particular chord with people, especially if people have record of you trying to make a case to prove your happy, rational suicide, it's going to be discussed. People who would never know you otherwise are going to say you were selfish, seeking attention, delusional, insane, etc. The general public isn't going to believe you were happy and rational, but if anyone does believe that, they are going to think poorly of you as a person for taking priority in your selfish pleasures.

    So, this is long. I'm not trying to talk you out of it or convince you that you must be acting irrationally because I know you won't believe me. I do believe you are acting irrationally and perhaps delusional and mentally ill, I do not think this is bad or a weakness or selfish because most of us here suffer from mental illness of some sort, but we also acknowledge what's wrong, which you do not. Again, I know it's all opinions, but I'm willing to bet more people are going to agree with me than you.
  17. Crue-K

    Crue-K Well-Known Member

    If you do have a clear mind and are of sound judgement, then I believe it's your right to decide whether to end your life. I respect your decision and as a matter of course, I personally would never talk someone out of ending their life. However, I fail to see the benefit or relevance of posting on this forum.
  18. shades

    shades Staff Alumni

    Tristan: Trying to keep your thread open so that we can get the answers you promised.
  19. tristan

    tristan Member

    I hear you all.

    I think we all need to take a deep breath, me included.

    The bit that has hit me most about these posts is that some feel I'm coming over as belittling, condescending and antagonistic - and for this I truly apologise. It was and is certainly not my intention to portray myself in this manner. I tend to get a bit frustrated when my statements are misinterpreted or read out of context, so please do accept my genuine apologies?

    I had a long day at work today because I'm finishing work this week, and I have to train my replacement. I promise I will answer non-emotive questions tomorrow when I've had a good night of sleep.

    Thank you all for your passing interest. I'll write more tomorrow.
  20. tristan

    tristan Member

    OK here are the answers to the questions you've asked me, in no particular order:

    What has brought me so much happiness?
    I've had the pleasure of being involved in situations where I could turn human crises into absolute successes. At one point, there was so much misery, depression and pain all around me, I felt like walking away and leaving them to it. Using techniques I learned down through the years, and one situation at a time, I resolved these situations on my own, and couldn't have asked for a better outcome.

    My "considered decision" is very much that. I have come to the conclusion that my life and my purpose has come to a natural end. There is nothing more that I can achieve that would interest me. There are no more situations that require my presence or attention, and things are ticking along like a well-oiled machine, just the way I wanted.

    I'm Irish.

    I'm not selfish, and I do not enjoy being judged as so - especially when you don't know me. In fact, to accuse someone of being selfish in such a manner could be seen to be opinionated. Nobody here holds any position of authority over me, and I therefore reject any high-horse judgments that I am selfish.

    Why did I post here?
    Some people are benevolent. I believe I have been benevolent all my life. I had no 'set' purpose in posting here, but I did hope to dispel the stereotype that suicidal people are not in their right mind. I believe my mind is absolutely 100% sound, and while I do take other opinions on-board, that is all they are - opinions. I had hoped that perhaps academics, or people with a clinical interest in the subject do hang around this site, and I made (and continue to make) myself available for insightful questions.

    In this part of the world, the authorities will attempt to track down anyone who makes a plausible and concrete statement such as the one I have made - that's why I felt it was necessary to mention what I did.

    The rest of the posts and comments seem to have assumed the role of spokesman for "people", "the general public" or for my loved ones, doctors, police etc. and do not pose questions that I can answer.

    Apart from that, I think I have covered everything.

    Before anyone posts, I am aware this is a highly emotive subject. If you cannot contain your emotions, or if you simply want to hurl abuse at me, please just go for a walk or something. I have no intention of entertaining such comments and I would ask that you leave this space free for those who wish to ask questions of substance.

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