Decision must be made: go back to abuse or end it

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Hazel Morse, Jun 5, 2016.

  1. Hazel Morse

    Hazel Morse Well-Known Member

    As soon as the thunderstorm passes, I have to make a decision: do I purchase the one-way ticket back to Australia or do I get one to a nice, distant land and have a little holiday before ending it all?

    Back in Australia I'd have to live with my parents and let them abuse me like they did throughout my teens and early twenties, when I was similarly friendless, jobless and worthless. Although I haven't spoken to them about this, so maybe they won't even let me come back!

    My therapist yesterday told me he didn't understand my attraction to the suicide option. I think it sounds fantastic, so heavenly, to be at eternal rest. No one to abuse me, never having to do a job I hate. Not having to loathe myself each time I pass a mirror or when I reflect inwardly on the shit-pile I've made of my life. No worries, just sweet, sweet peace forever and ever.
     
  2. Hazel Morse

    Hazel Morse Well-Known Member

    No crushing loneliness either - bonus!
     
  3. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Hey Hazel, why not give Australia a try first, you don't have to stay with your family forever, just until you get back on your feet. Things always change, I know that cause I'm old, everything changes.
    Brian
     
  4. Hazel Morse

    Hazel Morse Well-Known Member

    Thank you, I will buy the ticket, but I can't promise I'll use that one. I do have enough, if I don't ship all my crap back to Sydney, to still buy a ticket somewhere else.
     
  5. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    I'm so glad to hear that Hazel. Just take things one day at a time, I know it's difficult I try to do that myself, but I'm finding that things usually work out for the best and usually in a way I'd never imagined. There's always hope and help comes from the most unexpected places.
    Brian
     
  6. MyCatWillMissMe

    MyCatWillMissMe Well-Known Member

    I really think you should give it a try going back home. It may pass quicker than you think and maybe some good opportunities will come. Maybe a good job or maybe a good friend or even a romantic partner. I'd give it a shot and if it's total shit after a couple months with no hope then you can at least say you tried and fought the good fight. How's that sound? Just don't give up after like 2 days wondering why a miracle didn't happen. Give it 2 months.
     
  7. mpk

    mpk Well-Known Member

    Hazel, I think you should go home. It may help you to have a different perspective on life. You don't necessarily have to go home to your family but to those that can help you and care about about you.
     
    Freya likes this.
  8. Hazel Morse

    Hazel Morse Well-Known Member

    thank you Brian, I have bought a ticket to Sydney. it cost practically nothing, and the school I work for will pay for it.

    The problem is that it's really tempting to off myself in my own country.I think I was able to buy the ticket because I've been remembering all the the poisonous/ dangerous things that lurk in my native land.
     
    Brian777 likes this.
  9. Hazel Morse

    Hazel Morse Well-Known Member

    You are very kind but I don't think it's going to happen. My immediate supervisor - the secondary head - has said that she's pretty much poisoned everyone, including the principal , against me (that means I won't be able to get a job ever in teaching again).

    But I did get a ticket to Sydney and will look for work in the next 2 months as per your advice - I have enough for that. Maybe I could get tutoring work? I could live apart from my parents in that time. from the end of 31st of June I'll be kicked out of China (visa expires) and from 21st june my lease on the flat I rent here will expire. You can't get anything in Sydney for less than $250 per week, and if you're out in the Australian countryside you need a car (think an island exactly the same size as the continental USA with less than 1/10th the population) and I only have a motorbike which my brother wrecked a few years ago.
     
  10. Hazel Morse

    Hazel Morse Well-Known Member

    Thank you, but I literally have no friends. It's pretty terrifying. If the abusers don't take me in I'm screwed.
     
  11. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I am unsure of what you should do but please don't let suicide be an option. Look at other things, why not book a holiday to somewhere really nice so that you can figure out how to improve your current circumstances and what to do to make positive steps to make your life worth living :) You seem smart, bubbly and intelligent and I really hope you get through this very difficult time. (hugs)
     
  12. Hazel Morse

    Hazel Morse Well-Known Member

    Not enough money for holiday AND going home and looking for a job, though I do plan to go to Hong Kong for a 3 day holiday before going back. Just mostly for the food & views. Even if I was able to get a job, I would be a nearly 40 year old teacher. Basically a crazy cat lady is the best I can hope for.

    Things that would make life worthwhile:
    • a friend or friends
    • partner or spouse
    • a child
    • a pet
    Can't have any of these. Too old, too ugly, too fat, too not-white for 1-3. Too poor for 4. If I can get a teaching job in Oz might get 4.
     
  13. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    Maybe you should consider moving elsewhere: like America? I don't know that we're exactly the poster child for race relations. But it sounds like you've had a rough go of it where you've been! That's all I'm saying...(you know, once things have settled down that is; unless this is as settled as they're going to get)-
     
  14. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    You'd like to think with a successful relocation--that is an environment change for the better--at least one or two of those things could be taken off of your list..:)
     
  15. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    ..or added to! So sorry, I can hardly hear myself think - let alone see straight: cross off "I can't-s" from the "I want to's" ;)
     
  16. MyCatWillMissMe

    MyCatWillMissMe Well-Known Member


    I'm glad you are willing to give this a try. As MisterBGone said, a relocation like this may be a good thing. It may have some great surprises you never thought would happen. I'm not sure about the housing/car situation. I have nowhere to live next month either so I feel you. I've got a couple options to sort through before I give up entirely, and not to be a hypocrite, I'm also trying to find something that will work out, just like I said you should. :)
     
    Jenumbra likes this.
  17. Hazel Morse

    Hazel Morse Well-Known Member

    Thank you - and I hope your housing situation can be resolved, too. It's incredibly nerve-wracking and does not help a situation where one is trying to deal with depression as well. Sending you good thoughts today.