Decision.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by PoetOfTheFall, Jan 13, 2007.

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  1. PoetOfTheFall

    PoetOfTheFall New Member

    This can't go on like this. I'm so fed up with all these disappointments. Not only the big things, I get disappointed with little things. I just wanted to be happy. But now I see it is impossible.
    I have loved a lot. I have had a couple long-term relationships, and they have all ended because the guy found their THE ONE. I am officially the one the men are with before they find the love of their life. And I must say, I have never been so serious with the men before.
    But now I have found the love of my life and after 1,5 years of relationship, I found out that he's looking for THE NEXT ONE. I have this curse of being "the last one before the right one", I suppose he will find HIS right one soon.
    It is a pitty that he is the right one for me. And I knew from the beginning that there won't be the next one for me. Aither we will live together ever after together or...
    And everything else, too. My mother and father and my sisters... they have never paid much attention to me. And I have gove thru a violent relationship. And everything else.. I'm so fed up with life. Why isn't there any chanse that the slightest thing would go right for me? NO CHANSE? Why do I have to be the one to be all by myself all the fucking time? I just wanted love and happiness. Simple things. Kisses in the mornings, friendship, laughs. Impossible. I CAN'T have any of that. So I have a plan. I will have a medication for insomnia and panic attacs and I will take it all for once and kill myself. That is it. I have seen all that life has to offer me and I don't like it. Just one friend, just this one guy that I wanted to love me truly, just my parent accept me for what I am, just one person who would be interested in me - nothing. So, I am going. Would you like to be my friend for the rest of my life?
     
  2. Tearsalone

    Tearsalone Well-Known Member

    Yes I would love to be your friend for the rest of your life.
     
  3. delirium

    delirium Well-Known Member

    Being the stepping stone is excruciatingly disappointing when you've invested so much in a relationship.
    Please hang in there...there's always potential for things to improve as long as you stick around to see what happens.

    It doesn't sound like you're asking for too much and with so many people out there you have a good chance of finding what you're looking for as long as you keep trying (even though it may be hard right now). Just hang on and the scars may fade...maybe your feelings will change...

    Please hold on.
     
  4. Cheryl

    Cheryl Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry you hurt so badly and you've experienced disappointment after disappointment. Your pain is valid. But, it doesn't have to be the end of the story. Your life doesn't have to continue as it has been! It can be DIFFERENT. Happiness is LIVING LIFE AND FINDING MEANING IN IT....that's happiness.

    It sounds like you have loved and loved well. And you're desire to be THE ONE is what all of us want. Its what we all desire. We want to be chosen. We want to be loved. We want to be THE ONLY ONE. You want to hugged, kissed, held tightly and securely....its what we all want. You're not alone in this desire. We were created this way. To be loved. To know love. To give love. To receive love. It is the way of the human heart.

    I believe there is a GREAT chance that things can get better for you. It sounds like you have not been supported by your parents or sister. But, how about you finding the support you need and deserve. You know, one day, I had to come to terms with the fact that my family didn't have the CAPACITY or SKILL to support me. What was I to do? I looked for people who had capacity and skill to support me. I no longer DEMANDED that my parents give me what they DID NOT HAVE. And you can too. There are people who would love to support you during this time in your life. This web site is filled with people who will walk the journey with you and support you. And, I'm glad you decided to let us in.

    Life has so much more to offer than your past and present experiences. But, you have to be ALIVE to experience better. Things can get unbelievably better. I know its difficult to believe. But, I was where you are 10 years ago. I made an UNSUCCESSFUL attempt. And, I tell you ....I now wake up every morning and say, I'm alive, I'm alive ...Thank God I'm alive. And, i believe that you too can experience the joy of being alive again.

    A friend,
     
  5. gizmo

    gizmo Active Member

    Hi PoetOfTheFall,

    You have had a rough time for sure and you feel some pretty intense pain. It sucks to feel like the apartment people stay at while they shop for a house. Could you approach your mother and say "I have a problem and I want your help"? What do you think her reaction would be?
     
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