Decisions, Decisions.

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by whoami13, Feb 1, 2015.

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  1. whoami13

    whoami13 Member

    For the first time in a long time,I can't tell you the last time I cut. I couldn't tell you if I cried as I decorated the canvas of my skin, or whether or not I breathed that small breath of relief when it was done. I almost forgot that there was a monster that lived inside me, beneath the flesh colored shell of the person I've become. A demanding restless fiend that feeds off the misery I'm drowning in. I don't remember.
    What I can tell you is that I've started to think about it more and more. As the days get longer and the road a tad treacherous, I think about it. Today I bought the first box cutter I've looked at in a long time, and there it sits. Pretty as a picture. Mocking or enticing? I haven't decided. It's shameful really to admit it, but in a way I'm comforted by it's presence. Kind of like a visit from an old friend.
    I know I sound crazy, I know it's insane, I know that it's destructive, I know what everyone will say, I know that I'm better than this.
    I don't know how to cope. I don't know how to breathe. I don't know how to sleep. I don't know how to dream. I don't know how to see past this.
    I don't know which side of me will win this battle.
  2. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Thank you posting here. Remember everyday is battle within ourselves but we just overcome these battles. Battles cannot be won alone but with support of others who suffer everyday. I am sorry that you suffering but remember someone, somewhere hears your pain an you are not alone in suffering. YOU need to be strong and be stronger than person you feel inside. I know you are fighting hard with yourself but you can win. The idea is to tension POSITIVE and YOU CAN OVERCOME ANY SITUATION. I hope this posting help and please accept my apology for the delayed reply.
  3. whoami13

    whoami13 Member

    Thanks for the encouragement. I truly need it.
  4. Flora

    Flora New Member

    I have been contemplating buying a stanley blade for the last while. I also had stopped this act for the longest time, so long that even the habitual covering up had stopped. I didn't care if people saw my faint scars because "I didn't do that anymore". But, like you, I also cannot stop thinking about it, visualising it, really fantasising. A month ago I lost control and tried it and I think the shame of someone seeing fresh scars is the tiny little thread that is holding me back right now and I don't know how long before it breaks. Let me know how it goes for you
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