deep thoughts about "before you make your first cut read this"

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by jane doe, Aug 11, 2009.

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  1. jane doe

    jane doe Well-Known Member

    Before you make that first cut, remember
    You are going to enjoy this
    It will start as rage, sadness or disappointment.
    Pain will be enough to get you a temporary smile or why not to get u active for a while.
    You will enjoy looking at the blood and perhaps tasting it too. It will start as something you do sometimes, something to release all those feelings inside, to ease the psychological pain.
    You will Trasnpot the rage against others towards your own body, and the rage against you will grow even more.
    You will look for other people`s experiences about this and you will think you are not like them, that you can stop whenever you want to, ad buddy, until this very same moment you are right. But you wont stop,believing for the first time,may be, in what you think you stand for.
    Itwill happen everytime more often. And when you ran out of reasons to be unhappy, unconsciously you will creat them, your life will be miserable and the suicidal thoughts will appear.
    And don’t think hurting yourself will save your from suicide, because you will start being more alone than you were on the first place.
    You will feel alone because hardly you will find someone there who is going through the same crap you are going through among your real life best friends, and also you will start growing apart even from your family too, you will be covered with scars so you will spend most of the time locked in your room or with winter clothes or with badages giving justifications for them that people wont believe, so you start liking being alone where you can do anything you want with nobody on your back to stop you.

    You will lose your friends because they will think you don’t care about them enough to see them or calling them. A single email reply will compromise you to see them anytime soon, specially If they feel youre not feeling right. Then you become a loner.
    Some vague soul improving in the way you hurt and heal your body, sometimes you will even use the same needle to hurt and to stitch the wound after,and yes, you will learn how to.

    One day you will wake up and decide you wont hide your wounds anymore from unknown people, like people on the buss. You will feel pleased when they keep staring at your scars…until one of them asks you whats wrong. Then you will go back to your long sleeves again.

    You will feel offended by the jokes people you know does around you about people with SI.But you know you cant say anything to defend them or to release that inner angriness because they would tag you as one, withouth the need of showing your scars.

    You will find a new meaning of songs and movies, you might feel so related to them that they might trigger you. Any bloody movie will do, or movies where people with SI on it.

    You will stop Crying since the pain on your body will be greater. You will carry bandages and sharp blades on your bag everywhere you go,or even in your wallet for any emergency, wich will be more often than you think.

    Your body produces a certain amount of endofphines when you are in pain to reduce the shock, and enforphines are the biological explanation to what we call”Love”
    Your body will get used to certain amount of them and will need more and more , otherwise youll have a breakdown, or rage attacks. Be ready to feel anxious, to swet and shiver if u don’t get your next “dose”.

    Be ready to fill you want to quit it and that you don’t at the same time.
    Don’t forget to be “thirsty” 24/7 and to lose your night sleep because you need it.
    Be ready for the jokes you will start making about how F()cked up you are and to low your self steem even more.

    Then, there might be a period when u actually seem to be quitting, one month, 3 months, 6 months, be ready then for paranoia, because even if u quit it, the scars will remain. Sexual intercourse will be something you would like to avoid. What if the person you are with finds out about your scars, freaks out and you never see him again?

    There are so many details we don’t care about when we start but that become so important afrer. So many thing we could have done different to not feel so f()cked up for nothing now.
    What If I never did that first cut? Would I be the same person I am now? Would I be the happy person everybody thinks I am?
    Answer surely Is yes to those questions. And even if the idea is strong enough to make me fight it for a while, is not enough to quit it.

    So, my friend, reader , or person in distress; think seriously what you expect for your future, for your life.
    Do you really think that hurting yourself is the getaway from pain?
    Or deep inside your soul you know you want to be happy and that you only need for some help and support?

    Think about the stupiest think in the world: wearing a sleevless shirt in summet. How it will become a reason to feel paranoid. Think about the problems you have now and tell me, does it really worth damaging your body for them? Does temporary problems worth your long term scars ?

    If you ever want to have a baby in the future. How are you going to explain your 6 years old kid when he asks about your scars? And whenever he /she is old enough to understand what that scars are?

    Remember also there is no safe place to hide your blood stained razors or bandages. If u leave it at home, somebody will find them, and if u carry them with you, eventually you will drop them in public..

    If you already got to the point when hurting yourself “is the only way out” then seek for help mate, anyone will do, a parent a sibiling , a roommate, a lover, a friend, even a neighbout.

    Keep in mind the person writing here has been SI since the last 7 years. Got more scars than I can count and im just trying to save another lonely soul from this path of autodestruction ive taken when I was 14.
    Looking back, the problems I had by then are gone a long time ago. And still I cant quit it. Neither I want to.
    Just like me, or anybody here, you have the chance to stop this crazy tendency, stop depression becoming worse.and stop the temporary problems you have now to become a permanent burden. Stop preventing yourself from happiness, the time is now, go and seek for help!.

    Don’t think the scars will be the only problem you will get out of this. Think that you are nor trained and that you might seriously hurt a nerve or a muscle, even a vein.
    Think about how hard to stop it will get that your own scars will trigger you sometimes or even somebody who accidentally hurts him/herself and bleeds. Think about how mad you will get whenever YOU accidentally hurt yourself.

    If you are religious, think about how many doubts you will have, (oh god how do you let me do this to myself?)Remember suicide is a sin, hurting yourself must be too.

    Ahh I forgot about the twisted fantasies! The psychiatric ward, how you will imagine yourself In it after messing up. And how you will start doing stuff everytime more dangerous to see if u can really get yourself in it.
    Your cuts will be deep enough to see your veins through the wound. Id like you to think at that point how hard is going to not kill yourself by accident.

    If you think im being too “gore” think you will be too.

    If the side effects ive mentioned aren’t enough for you yet, ive got a few more, lets figure them together shall we?

    Imagine yourself, traveling to work or school.You`re listening to the radio, and suddenly you hear a song you love, as this is my example im going to use a song that works for me: breaking the habit by linkin park.
    So we are there in the buss/train, listening the radio, and the song pops up.Song goes by and lets assume it triggers you as much as it does to me,
    Anxiety appears, you cant stay still. You are alone in the back of the buss/train or w/e and nobody will see you doing it. So you look into your bag and you cant find your razor…its not there! Somebody took it! Meaning somebody found it! Anxiety keeps growing. You cant handle it anymore and looking everywhere you see a sharp unknown piece of metal. That will do you thnk. But you cant clean it and dessinfect it! Your at a bus!. But you don’t care. And go ahead. AHh anxiety is gone, sunlight is beautifull and think about how many infections you could grab? When the urge is there health is not so important you know?

    Ahh what a bunch of reckless people we are! Or is it just me?

    If you are reading this, then you should be asking for help to someone already.
  2. notwanting2live

    notwanting2live Well-Known Member

    WOW.. that is powerful stuff, i was absorbed. I also completely agree with you. I started self harming at 10, and it is the biggest regret that ive done. I got the indentifacation of the paranoia, the anxeity, the deppression, the triggers, the hiding of scars, the shame, the guilt, the fear of being the butt of the joke, and the constant obsession of doing it once more, just to help me sleep, just to make that phone call, just to get dressed, just to have a shower, to spend time with my family, to cope with the stresses of life, and eventually I reached a point of doing just because it was the norm for me, it was second nature. I went into rehab for chemical addiction, but for my selfharming as well. I managed to do 6 weeks without cutting, then cut. I managed to do 2 months without cutting, then cut. I managed to do 5 months without cutting. Then cut. Now Im back to 2 weeks without cutting, and each day I see my scars, and my twisted mind think they are so beautiful that I need to make another. So far I havent, but I know for sure I cannot control and keep hold of the obssession for much longer. So as the above post says. ASK for help, seek it, becuase no matter how long it takes for SI to take control of you, it will, and then you wont be able to ask for help. becuase it would be controling you.
    Please seek help.
    Learn from my mistakes. Its not the way to work through your problems
  3. Oceans

    Oceans Well-Known Member

    Thank you for sharing your post Lara.
  4. Little_me

    Little_me Well-Known Member

  5. jane doe

    jane doe Well-Known Member

    There is not much to thank for, i just hope somebody will read it and realize its never too late to stop <3

    notwantingtolive:congrats!! every minute withouth si is worth to be happy for *huggs*
  6. jane doe

    jane doe Well-Known Member

    urging so bad now, its been a couple of months since the last time.
  7. cownes

    cownes Well-Known Member

    uve done so well, just try day by day :) u can do it!!
  8. jane doe

    jane doe Well-Known Member

    thanks for the cheers, ive holded myself last night but still cant stop thinkng abutit
  9. Things

    Things Well-Known Member

    Thank you for making this post. Two days ago, I was actually going to make my first cut, but I got scared. I was going to use cutting as a way to self-medicate. I heard cutting could clear my mind, which is exactly what I need. But I didn't realize all the dangers until I read the post. I didn't know how bad the addiction could really get, or how permanate the damage.

    I won't try it now. Again, thank you.
  10. Little_me

    Little_me Well-Known Member

    Never, never start with cutting.
  11. jane doe

    jane doe Well-Known Member

    that was what i wanted thing, to save souls from this misery! if u ever feel like doing it, read it again
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