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Defeated

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Miss my Happy, Feb 2, 2018.

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  1. Miss my Happy

    Miss my Happy Member

    I’m trying to tie a knot at the end of my rope and hang on, so to speak. A year ago my son became ill and caused a head on collision. He escaped his burning car, injured emotionally and mentally. The other drivers escaped but were very injured. The accident and his new illness put us all in shock. These life changing things come as a big surprise and we all experience them. It’s life. We were so thankful our son didn’t die. So thankful the other people didn’t die. We didn’t know to not let everyone question him or to call a lawyer. He was arrested with two counts ag assault wd weapon. All moms may say this sort of thing, but this day was so uncharacteristic with his life. He had never been in trouble. He is a smart, loving, good young man. Was on a good path in life. Never engaged in risky behavior. It was like a Day was hyjacked in his life and bad stuff happened. He went to jail. He became much sicker. He was so ill he didn’t recognize food and water and thought they were trying to kill him by withholding them. I went to the ends of the earth to try and get him medication. Slept in lawyers parking lots begging for help and psychiatrist parking lots begging them go inside the jail to treat him. I got to the end of my rope and checked into a hotel room near the jail. Honestly waiting to be called and told something horrible had happen and I needed to come to the jail. I slept and prayed. I wrote the judge begging for mercy. God provided. He was treated. I was worried that he wouldn’t mentally come back from where he was. But, he did- God is good. To skip over the legal mess that ensued next......bond,sentence to prison. At this point, I was emotional spent. I stopped being able to function. Stopped being able to work. I spiraled into the deepest darkest place. I have two other children and a good husband. I was being sucked further and further in this pit and they were out of reach. They lost me. I lost them. Very few people in the community reached out. Not people that I thought would. I stopped being able to speak and became scared of everything. I became unable to leave my bed. Breathing became too hard. I spend every second for two weeks praying for God to come and get me to bring me home. I needed him. I was sleeping a lot but not well if that makes sense. I lost track of the amount of sleep medication I had taken and my husband took me to the hospital not knowing what else to do with me. I was given a medication that helped pull me out of the hole. I hired help at work. Most days I am able to get to work and do some productive things during the day. My family was healing. Then we get notice that we are being sued for not being able to predict and stop the accident from happening. My son moved to a prison that is 4 1/2 hours away. He will be sentenced for the second count once release( more than a year from now). He will forever be a convicted felon. My heart is broken watching him in so much fear and pain. I’m running out of strength. But, I am having some good days. Today just isn’t one of them. Its a very low one. I am not even close to the dark quicksand I was in before. But, I feel defeated. I miss my family. I miss happy. I miss feeling safe. I miss friends. I miss my life. I’m not begging to be taken to heaven. I will wake up tomorrow with my strength gathered and put my feet on the floor. I’ll have some fight back tomorrow. But, today I am screaming out into the nothingness to see if there is anything to make an echo l.
    If you took the time to read this, thank you for being out there . I need to hear an echo.
    Miss my Happy
     
  2. Karmitkurmit

    Karmitkurmit King of the Hedge SF Supporter

    Hello Miss my Happy, and welcome to the SF family.

    That sounds like an awful lot for someone to go through in such a short space of time; you're clearly an incredibly strong person. It's ok to feel down. I know it hurts but you must give yourself time to grieve the past and let yourself heal. This is by no means an easy thing to do, especially when there's a family to run; but it sounds like you've given so much that you need to take a little back for yourself.

    It's not always easy with those close to you; do you have a counsellor or someone you can speak to about how you're feeling?
    This site is full to the brim of people who have felt the pain you are going through, and many that still are, and we all ended up here. You've come to the right place to get these feelings out. There is no judgment her, only compassion and unconditional love. We cannot take away the pain, but we can certainly empathise with you and be here for when you need some support in your darkest hours. This is a positive step you've taken, doing something for you.

    We can't lead you to where you need to get to, but we can walk beside you. Let us be the echo you're listening for.

    I hope you are ok. x
     
    Miss my Happy and SomeGuy77 like this.
  3. SomeGuy77

    SomeGuy77 Well-Known Member

    Not being a mother I can only imagine what you've gone and going through. But despite everything that happened here you are wanting to get through it even though it is so difficult.

    I've been through many hardships, and each time I thought I'll never come back, but eventually I did, and each time I came back as a stronger person. Our lives are full of lessons and hardships which make us stronger, as Karmitkurmit said it's definitely not easy.

    I sound confident and sure of myself now, but there has been many times during my hardships that I forgot everything I said here and didn't see any hope, but once I fought through it I regained my strength, each time getting stronger.

    The connection between a mother and child is truly strong and sacred, so as mentioned I can imagine the pain you've gone through. I wish you the very best, both for you and your son, stay strong.
     
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  4. Sand and Sun

    Sand and Sun SF Supporter

    Miss my Happy, sometimes life seems so unfair. I identify with the quicksand and the utter powerlessness over your son’s situation. My heart goes out to you. How proud you should be of yourself for going to any lengths to help your son and I believe every word you wrote. I wish I could help you somehow but I don’t know what I can do. I am a very good listener. Don’t hesitate to private message me if you see me on line and I’ll do the same to you.
    Although lost in grief, remember you have two other children and a husband that need you. You must be there for them and you have to let in the love they are showing for you. You are not alone and suicide is not an option.
     
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  5. Miss my Happy

    Miss my Happy Member

    Thank you all for listening with compassion.
    I came to this forum just needing to feel like I am not invisible. You gave me hope with your kind words.
     
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  6. Karmitkurmit

    Karmitkurmit King of the Hedge SF Supporter

    You'll never be invisible here, and never alone. Get yourself an avatar picture, something silly or meaningful to you, and stick around...you're one of the family now! :p
     
  7. Walker

    Walker Everything Zen Staff Member Safety & Support SF Social Media SF Supporter

    Hi there
    It sounds like you could use someone to talk to face to face. Is that something that's possible? Your son really needs strong people on the outside to support him through this time. Family support is the most important thing that gets people through their time in lock up. It's not the things that go on inside, it's the things that go on outside. Seriously. You guys have to be as close to him as possible - if not physically in visits then just make it with phone calls, letters, cards, money on his books when you can. These things make his existence far happier than you can imagine. He can do the time inside - he doesn't really have much choice, right? But you guys have to get it together on the outside to make it all come together and work well. I'm sorry for what has happened to you, but as you say, at least your son IS alive and IS with you. Is it an easy road now? Nah, not at all. He needs you now more than ever. Try to be strong, for your son, and look into some treatment options... even if temporarily. I wish you all the very best of luck.
     
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  8. Miss my Happy

    Miss my Happy Member

    KarmitKurmit,
    I’ve isolated. I’m unable at this point to speak much face to face with others. It’s painful. And other stuff I just can’t articulate. I had friends. I had a lot that disappeared. It just all went away when I lost myself. I’m stuck inside. I’ve tried reconnecting and it isn’t working.
     
  9. Miss my Happy

    Miss my Happy Member

    Walkerbait95
    With each letter, phone call, and visitation I put on the best front I can that we are good and I’m ok. I don’t know how much he can see through, but I am giving it all I’ve got. Right now I just feel stuck on my inside. I don’t know if that makes sense.? Talking face to face with anyone hurts. I tried going into the grocery store a couple of weeks ago. I ended up breaking down in tears at the register. I’m spilling out my heart to and online forum because I don’t even know who to trust in my world. The legal issues have made me afraid to reach out and lean on anyone. You know, anything you say can and will......We fought to try and help our son. We’re having to fight to help protect ourselves now. Legal fights are expensive. it’s all taking a toll on my family. I’m broken. We’re broken. We’re broke.
    Having said that, you are so very right. We have our son. We have so much to be thankful for. One way or another, there will be a time that this is all behind us. Even if it doesn’t work out good. I guess the best way to describe how I feel is grief. As if my our life is a person and that person died. Things will never be the same but I do know we will carry on and get our feet back on the ground. It is going to be so hard for my son to go from where his life was back into the world and try to pick up the pieces. You are right, we’ve got to get it together on the outside so we can help him have hope where he is and be ready to help him pick up the pieces. This too shall pass. This too shall pass. This too shall pass. Thank you for encouragement.
     
    Walker likes this.
  10. Miss my Happy

    Miss my Happy Member

     
  11. Miss my Happy

    Miss my Happy Member

    KarmitKurmit
    See my new avatar? Horses. Think I will stay awhile. Thank you for the warm welcome
     
    Karmitkurmit likes this.
  12. Karmitkurmit

    Karmitkurmit King of the Hedge SF Supporter

    Hiya @Miss my Happy . Firstly, good choice on the avatar, I like it.

    Secondly, I empathise with you completely. My problems are different to yours, but by resultant isolation is very similar. I tend to go home, lock myself in my room (there's no one else in the house, I just feel more comfortable there) and think things over and over again. I barely talk to family anymore and my only friends are technically my work colleagues. That's where I find so much salvation on this site.

    It's easy to forget that this family here is made up of real people, all hurting in one form or another, but through that pain they show such kindess and compassion. It's sadly beautiful in a way, that the people who understand us the most are in such agony, and we may never meet them; but I am thankful that I found them, as I am that you found us. You aren't alone, and as much as you may have isolated yourself, simply by coming here and talking it out shows that you haven't given up hope yet. You are reaching out to others, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise just because it's online. I've heard a few people say that and it annoys me. I've made more friends here that I trust with my deepest darkest secrets than I have in my entire life; and by being here, you and I are helping others too.

    The point that I am trying to make, rather badly I know, is that the healing process is long and hard but joining the SF family is a huge start. I already feel stronger in my day to day life and you will too. The worst thing you can do now is rush and panic. Take your time. Your true friends won't have gone far, and I often find that it's us that pushes them away without realising it. I've done just that to my family, but my counsellor insists that it is just my way of regaining strength; she put it like this: a wounded animal will retreat to it's hideout to heal and rebuild before emerging stronger and wiser. That's all you're doing, but it is vital that you do allow yourself to heal, and not give in to despair.

    You have so much grief and frustration to process, and in this modern world we rarely give ourselves time to recharge and reflect. Don't shy away from the pain and the upset, it is all part of the process; ignoring it will only lead to torment. Don't do it alone though, come here whenever you feel is necessary to allow yourself to vent. Many people do this in a diary, which is great, but this is like a "live" diary that reacts and responds to you, giving advice when appropriate or simply a kind word and an understanding ear when needed.

    If we could step out of the computer and give you a damn good cuddle we would. Don't worry that "at this point" you are struggling to speak to people, tomorrow is another day. Give yourself a break, it will come if you let it.

    My thoughts are with you, I just wish I could do more. x
     
  13. Miss my Happy

    Miss my Happy Member

    I’m finding it even harder each day to get out of my house and be in public. I burst into tears often and it is very embarrassing. I am scared of everything all the time. I do have a doctor who is trying to help me through everything. But, honestly I’m not sure there is any amount of medication that can fix this. I’m on the middle of a law suit for claims that legally where not in my power to take action. Plus I did not know that my son was showing signs of schizophrenia. I know my family needs me and I am sincerely trying to push forward for them. I’m tired. And in pain. Scared. And defeated. This law suit will ruin me in more ways than just financially just trying to defend it. I don’t want to live this way. For a while I was able to just push myself to get up and do things to distract myself. This past 14 months have been a nightmare and it doesn’t appear to have any end in sight. Today is just one of those days that I just wish I could sleep and not wake up to face the pain. Tomorrow will hopefully be better
     
  14. Bryz

    Bryz Member

    Hi Miss my happy!. first of all i want to say that you are such a very strong woman! WOW! and a super mother to your son and your family, despite of what is happening you are still making deserving actions just look at how strong you are!.remember that what you feel is very normal.everything happens for a reason and let life come at you no need to resist just accept life. Venting it out really helps you know. that feeling that even this is just an online forum you can feel that tap on the shoulder reminding you are doing the best that you can. We're willing to listen about anything. Just dont forget about your health and stay strong! .Ohh.How glamorous that horse you have look at how small my horse is! :D
     
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  15. Ineluki

    Ineluki The Storm King

    I have the same hope for you, that tomorrow will be better. Just remember what you said before, "This too shall pass."
     
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  16. Miss my Happy

    Miss my Happy Member

    Thank you Bryz for the sweet encouragement. Cutest little horse
     
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