Defeating Myself......Again

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Forgotten_Man, Nov 4, 2011.

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  1. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    So this is a common problem I have.* There are various triggers throughout the day which cause me to want to defeat myself.* In the end that will always lead me to wanting to kill myself.* In the most serious cases, I start planning out my suicide for after work.** However, right now I am in no real threat.* I think this is me just testing my will.* So I find that writing tends to help ease the stress on my will power.* Might contain some language, but I don't fucking care.* I find that being polite makes things worse.

    So there were two triggers for these thoughts.* Trigger one was on my fitness site.* A guy talked about how he flaked out of his goal of earing X number of points a day... a REALLY high number of points a day, because of his jobs and girlfriend.* The second is on another forum.* Where I am talking to a girl.* She is underage, lets make this worse right?* Various talking lead to her revealing that if she woke her boyfriend up when they were sleeping they would just fuck the night away.* I wonder how that is a bad thing right?

    So as you can see this is about my martial status.* I am single and have been single for the better portion of a year.* Actually thinking about it I have truly been on my own for about a year.* Right about now was when my former roommate started dating his now finance.* Thus taking him off my hands.* I was his surrogate parent you see.* There are plenty of threads around with my venting in it.* Anyway I guess I have been single for close to two years now.* Not that quantity matters.

    Anyway the first guy triggered me because he did not have time to reach his goals.* Two jobs... meh you know I bet he could have found time with the two jobs.* I believe his girlfriend is more the cause.* Mainly because him saying that proves that the gym is not one of their bonding methods.* So I sat down and thought about the amount of time I have, in my daily life.* So lets start off with work.* I am generally out the door by 6:00 at the latest and I generally get home by 16:45 at the earliest, meaning I am normally home around 16:50 or 16:55 with traffic.* So there goes a nice chunk of my day.* Then every day I try and work out.* It is a personal choice as I am still trying to get myself to where I want to be both in an athletic sense and a vanity sense.* So with my walk to and from the gym.* I tend to average at least 1.75 hours at the gym.* You know depending on my routine and stuff.* Then I have my anime website.* In order to keep the content flowing I have dedicated at least 2.5 hours of time to watching anime so I can keep my site moving.* So on week days that leaves me with between 1 and 5 hours with nothing to do, depending on how much sleep I need.* Sometimes, like last night, it is zero hours because I come home and pass out.* On the weekends it is not much better.* That is my errand and chore time.* Hell the only reason I socialize is because I get out to the bars around 22:30 on Saturday.* Otherwise my time is spent on chores and resting.* When I socialize I tend to struggle just to walk around most of the time.* So where does that leave me with time to pursue a relationship?

    Next comes back to thoughts I had around a year ago.* You know about how I only really view a girlfriend as someone I have sex with?* That thread is somewhere around here.* I don't know where buried I bet you could find it with the search function.* Anyway, those views have not budged on bit.* In the end that is all women are to me, sex toys.* Well that and the occasional ride to the airport when I need it.* Otherwise I have been soothing myself through this forum and other forums for years.* I can entertain myself and come up with my own activities to do.* I can cook and clean and sew and fix my own computers.* I mean what exactly do girls have to offer me?* Hell I can even have vivid sexual fantasies.* The only thing that a girl provides is a warm body.* I say warm because I have three Dakimakuras in my bed.* I will have four in March.* So I have plenty of cute anime girls to cuddle with.* The only difference is that the material of the pillow cases does not warm up like a human body. *

    So I guess I am trying to convince myself to just give up on women.* I can generally counter those thoughts saying I want it to be a choice.* Right now it is not a choice because I have no skills with women.* I cannot go out and flirt and get dates at will.* So until I can do that it is not a choice, in my opinion.* So that keeps me down this path that I am currently on... even though I am struggling to keep going.* I know that if I give up on women it will be a short path to suicide in my current state.* I give myself like.... lets say three years before I drown in my mindless activities.* I know deep down I want to kill myself so... why keep struggling... I don't know...

    Any insights?* Thoughts opinions?* You know that do not involve each to their own sort of advice.* Or you know being up front and straight with women.* Men are not allowed to do that.* Women know that to be true... even if they don't want to admit it.
  2. Isabel

    Isabel Staff Alumni

    I think what most of us need to work on is being at peace with ourselves, be content to be who we are, make our life fun no matter what, take an interest in our work. All of this translate in self-esteem and self-confidence which is, imo, the most attractive quality in any man to most women.
    So the first step would to get help for depression which causes the thoughts of ending it and putting on the back burner concerns about being single. But that is just my two cents...
  3. the_unknown

    the_unknown Banned Member

    but finding that self esteem is the hardest thing to do.

    @ TS we basically have the same activities training, anime and JRPGs, work (school is considered work)... I also thought of women as useless except for sex... however I realized that there is more than to just be a modern day hermit... I always see happy couples (just the sight of them makes me mad and want to kill them then myself) and it is probably nice to have someone love you except that most women nowadays only look at the outside and judge you on what you have,what you are and not on WHO YOU REALLY ARE...

    and giving up on women will make life even worse than say hoping to have one... it is in the nature of males to look for females...

    And you are the third person I "met" on this forum who more or less has the same problems... THIS IS A UNIVERSAL PROBLEM!!!
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 5, 2011
  4. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Yeah I have been doing my best to keep those thoughts on the back burners... as long as I don't really talk about what I don't have it is not too bad. Well that or I give really harsh advice to others... The problem is my self-esteem is only lacking in my ability to woo women... it is a problem... really.
    :lol!: School is a full-time job when you are in college. Women judging you based on your status is nothing new really. It has always been that way. So I won't fault them for that. Plus I have enough status that I can make do.

    If I think the only reason giving up on women would hurt us. Would be when we have no confidence in our ability to get them in bed. Like I said in my post. I want it to be a choice, not just something I have to accept because I was born a loser.
  5. Jones

    Jones Member

    You know, I'm a considerably attractive, intelligent female and the last guy that I fell for (hard) had a problem with not being blunt. It's pretty much what I found attractive. His unwillingness to pretty things up, his ability to just say something so raw and true that you don't have a retort for it because... well damn, he was right.

    I bet there's at least one female on earth who would totally dig you because you have bluntness issues. (And maybe not just for sex, but that's your call, man.)
  6. under1

    under1 Member

    Imma be a dick here and say that having 4 pillows with pictures of anime women isn't really going to make women want to jump into bed with you. Honestly, why do you need four?!
    Anyway, why do you keep so much stuff going on and complain about having no free time? No one is forcing you to have an anime website so if you have to sit on your ass for 2.5 hours what is the point? I can understand the gym stuff I guess but don't do it for so long if you are going to be bothered by the amount of reserved time you have.
    Another point, in your post you talked a lot about being single? I already mentioned about the dakimakura, but I don't think that your views on women is going to reel in girls by the second. Girlfriends arent just there to have sex with, what about the "friend" in the title? It implies that, sure you can use them for sex, but theyre also there to be a pal. Unless she's a brainless *****, in which case just go and find somewhere to hook up with someone. Most guys (douchebags exempt) make friends with a girl and see where it goes from there.
    Sorry if my post sounds offensive or mocking but I'm just being honest. Well thats my opinion anyway. Best of luck in the future.
  7. the_unknown

    the_unknown Banned Member

    Anime is a refuge from reality for many people. Sex is always there (on the street lol) but not everyone can have a woman as a "pal"

    :lol!:I'm in college so it IS work. Yeah by not having the capacity to get a girl to like you is a real blow to a male's ego. Sorry for prying but if you have enough status then why do you have self esteem problems? Is it because no girl likes you ar anything? That is another purpose of women for men- to deprive you of self esteem and self worth, thats what they are most good at. Well probably not in most cases but still.
  8. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    I only have 3 pillows first off... just one has two girls on it. I have more than one because I don't like to have to roll around with the pillows.

    True enough everything I do is my own choice. I have no problem doing that either. It is more a problem that any girl willing to stoop down to my level will have to deal with.

    As for the sex thing... meh.. if she doesn't ask... well then she doesn't have to know.

    Yup one female on the planet. With my like she is half way around the globe. She has plenty of friends and plenty of other suitors and no need to use the internet to seek out a loser like me :D
    Well as you can see by the schedule I posted I don't have much time to be around women. Even more I have very little idea of what to do to talk to them or even get them interested in me. I feel like I have enough going on... but I probably don't... I have a job and can support myself. However, I don't have many friends. I also don't do much outside of my website and working out. My website is not a well known one so I don't go to cons and hold panels. Really I don't have anything.
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