So this is a common problem I have.* There are various triggers throughout the day which cause me to want to defeat myself.* In the end that will always lead me to wanting to kill myself.* In the most serious cases, I start planning out my suicide for after work.** However, right now I am in no real threat.* I think this is me just testing my will.* So I find that writing tends to help ease the stress on my will power.* Might contain some language, but I don't fucking care.* I find that being polite makes things worse. So there were two triggers for these thoughts.* Trigger one was on my fitness site.* A guy talked about how he flaked out of his goal of earing X number of points a day... a REALLY high number of points a day, because of his jobs and girlfriend.* The second is on another forum.* Where I am talking to a girl.* She is underage, lets make this worse right?* Various talking lead to her revealing that if she woke her boyfriend up when they were sleeping they would just fuck the night away.* I wonder how that is a bad thing right? So as you can see this is about my martial status.* I am single and have been single for the better portion of a year.* Actually thinking about it I have truly been on my own for about a year.* Right about now was when my former roommate started dating his now finance.* Thus taking him off my hands.* I was his surrogate parent you see.* There are plenty of threads around with my venting in it.* Anyway I guess I have been single for close to two years now.* Not that quantity matters. Anyway the first guy triggered me because he did not have time to reach his goals.* Two jobs... meh you know I bet he could have found time with the two jobs.* I believe his girlfriend is more the cause.* Mainly because him saying that proves that the gym is not one of their bonding methods.* So I sat down and thought about the amount of time I have, in my daily life.* So lets start off with work.* I am generally out the door by 6:00 at the latest and I generally get home by 16:45 at the earliest, meaning I am normally home around 16:50 or 16:55 with traffic.* So there goes a nice chunk of my day.* Then every day I try and work out.* It is a personal choice as I am still trying to get myself to where I want to be both in an athletic sense and a vanity sense.* So with my walk to and from the gym.* I tend to average at least 1.75 hours at the gym.* You know depending on my routine and stuff.* Then I have my anime website.* In order to keep the content flowing I have dedicated at least 2.5 hours of time to watching anime so I can keep my site moving.* So on week days that leaves me with between 1 and 5 hours with nothing to do, depending on how much sleep I need.* Sometimes, like last night, it is zero hours because I come home and pass out.* On the weekends it is not much better.* That is my errand and chore time.* Hell the only reason I socialize is because I get out to the bars around 22:30 on Saturday.* Otherwise my time is spent on chores and resting.* When I socialize I tend to struggle just to walk around most of the time.* So where does that leave me with time to pursue a relationship? Next comes back to thoughts I had around a year ago.* You know about how I only really view a girlfriend as someone I have sex with?* That thread is somewhere around here.* I don't know where buried I bet you could find it with the search function.* Anyway, those views have not budged on bit.* In the end that is all women are to me, sex toys.* Well that and the occasional ride to the airport when I need it.* Otherwise I have been soothing myself through this forum and other forums for years.* I can entertain myself and come up with my own activities to do.* I can cook and clean and sew and fix my own computers.* I mean what exactly do girls have to offer me?* Hell I can even have vivid sexual fantasies.* The only thing that a girl provides is a warm body.* I say warm because I have three Dakimakuras in my bed.* I will have four in March.* So I have plenty of cute anime girls to cuddle with.* The only difference is that the material of the pillow cases does not warm up like a human body. * So I guess I am trying to convince myself to just give up on women.* I can generally counter those thoughts saying I want it to be a choice.* Right now it is not a choice because I have no skills with women.* I cannot go out and flirt and get dates at will.* So until I can do that it is not a choice, in my opinion.* So that keeps me down this path that I am currently on... even though I am struggling to keep going.* I know that if I give up on women it will be a short path to suicide in my current state.* I give myself like.... lets say three years before I drown in my mindless activities.* I know deep down I want to kill myself so... why keep struggling... I don't know... Any insights?* Thoughts opinions?* You know that do not involve each to their own sort of advice.* Or you know being up front and straight with women.* Men are not allowed to do that.* Women know that to be true... even if they don't want to admit it.