Deficient

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by MoAnamCara, Jan 11, 2012.

  1. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Had no clue where to put this or even if I should put it out there or in my private diary. Anyhow, here I am.

    It may seem like an odd subject, an odd title - but for me - it is not.

    This is something I've felt my whole life. Never good enough, striving to be better all the time, always wanting to make others happy etc. but falling short.

    Yes, it is incorrect thinking, I don't need anyone to point that out to me. However, I also argue internally that if this is how I actually feel then how can it/I be incorrect?

    I have failed people in my life and this is why, some time ago, I stated it'd be better for people here not to friend me, talk with me etc. I know some may respond arguing against this point, but again its what I feel. I am sorry.

    Currently my biggest deficiency is looking after and caring for my one. It is sad that, to me, it feels that the relationship is not as it once was. This is something that upsets me to acknowledge. Irregardless, I need to take responsibility for this. If I were better at handling things then we wouldn't be where we are now. If I could communicate better, it might have helped. If I didn't have close to a breakdown earlier this year we wouldn't be where we are at now. If my history wasn't what it is I would be able to cope better. I can't seem to do enough for them, or make them truly happy anymore. But at times, the air is filled with loving words and expressions so I block out everything else.

    I block out the attitude and their behavior, I make excuses for it actually. It can be very triggering for me and its so very difficult to deal with. I also need to realize this is only my personal perception, and perhaps my perceptions are inaccurate. So, in reality, this negative behavior may not even exist - I am just absorbing it as such.

    However, it really doesn't matter, the fact remains I am and have not done enough. I think I have tried, but I have come up short a lot of the time. I find myself lacking motivation, I find it difficult to remain positive and I generally find it all slightly overwhelming.

    Similarly for some people here, same thing. I feel like I have failed those here and those who have disappeared. I am quite aware that we all need time away and that SF isn't the place for everyone all the time as it can be quite triggering. Even so, some people have my contact information outside of here. And yes, I know we deal with things differently and we each need to concentrate on ourselves as priority number one. It is just difficult for me to emotionally handle when I don't hear from those I thought I was close to. Of course, I wonder why I even question others' behaviors when I am the one at fault anyhow. I have obviously let them down to begin with, so it really is an empty question.

    My absolute best friend, I failed her. Definitely deficient in that regard. I will never forgive myself for this, ever.

    In trying to make others happy I do sacrifice much of myself. Its not a perfect trait to have, but it is what it is. Of course I should take care of myself first, but that is such a foreign concept to me, that if i try to do something I feel so guilty. And when others show care, I generally will bolt in the other direction. Again, its another foreign concept and is difficult for me to accept/believe.

    So, to those I have let down, I truly apologize from my heart. I should have been better, done things differently or better.

    Ugh, reading this over, its all a big pile of steaming $%$!.
     
  2. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    Its hard to reply to this Mo, as you have pre-empted most of the replies.

    You set yourself an immensely high standard, and berate yourself harshly for not meeting it. Those around you do not use anywhere near such a high standard and therefore do not see you as failing.

    You do not need to be better, you need to be you, and you need to be more forgiving of yourself.
     
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I know it sounds trite, but we all do our best...maybe you place unfounded stress on yourself to me more attentive to people...I think others have a responsiblity too to express what they want/need, and then we make our decisions accordingly...as opposed to being deficient, maybe your goals are ones that are very difficult to reach, and that is a work in progress...I know personally, I could not ask for a more compassionate and responsive ally...much caring
     
  4. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    Dear Mo,

    It wasn't long after meeting you that I realized how you care for others with such a full heart.....I can't tell you how much compassion brightens my days....add onto that good intentions, and you possess both. When you are unwell, please know I understand how hard finding time to pour forth your heart to others is....I don't know about you, but I feel like giving too much can be draining, as strange as that may seem. This might be outside the box, but maybe you can find and establish a healthy limit for cultivating relationships on here and in real life....again, this is nothing more than food for thought. No matter what happens, I wish you the best in all future relationships where there is mutual, unconditional support and understanding....may they be long-lasting. Take good care, and as I do not wish to hijack your threads, I think now is a great time to let you know that you and your one are in my thoughts….big hugs to my warmhearted friend. :hug:

    Alex
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 11, 2012
  5. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Thank you, to three of the most wise people I know. Your comments help a lot tonight.

    :cry: