define rape please

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by coffee, Dec 20, 2009.

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  1. coffee

    coffee Well-Known Member

    well...... I think I let it happen...

    I tell my partner that he can have sex with me and there are lots of times
    I wanted to tell him to stop and I just let him continue......
    cuz I thought I didn't have any choices.

    gosh... this is very difficult......

    I wonder why I am so depressed and feeling miserable all the time......

    This is horrible, horrible......

    There were times that I told him to stop but he continued because he was very close to finishing it. But I was already having pains and it was too late anyways... I hate myself for this... that I didn't take care of myself.
    I am the one who has to protect myself......

    still, I want to deny it.
    well, I guess this is my first step...

    I am going to tell my partner NO MORE and I have to see what happens...

    sorry if I triggered anyone......
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Yes tell him take charge of you okay tell him no more. Get help from therapist as well to deal with you pain and sadness okay. You have to look after you and if boyfriend is caring he will understand and back off a bit. Good for you for recognizing you need to take care of you first. When you say NO he is to stop if not it is rape NO means NO
  3. Tobes

    Tobes Well-Known Member

    Rape is sex without consent (saying yes). If you consented but changed your mind half way through it is still rape if he continues. You should tell him how this has affected you so he doesn't do it again. There is no excuse for continuing when you say no.
  4. deferred dream

    deferred dream Well-Known Member

    Rape is any kind of unwanted sexual penetration whether it's vaginal, anal, oral, digial, and any combination of the above. If you say "No" at ANY time and the penetration happens, then it's rape.
    Source: My most recent psychology course
  5. Mikeintx

    Mikeintx Well-Known Member

    Were you firmly telling the guy to stop?
  6. Disappear

    Disappear Well-Known Member

    why are you still wth him?
  7. Ignored

    Ignored Staff Alumni

    You are on wafer thin ice. She said she told him to stop and he continued and that is rape whether she whispered it or yelled it in his ear!
  8. the fleet asleep

    the fleet asleep Well-Known Member

    Im going to interject again, and remind everyone that rape is a very serious accusation, and should not be tossed around so lightly.

    Much like the woman in the last thread like this, Im going to air on the side of caution and ask that you take a good long look at your relationship with this man before you decide to throw rape into the mix. If you are continuously having consensual sex with this man, then this is going to speak much louder than the occasional plea to stop. If you want to make it clear to him that sometimes you do not want to have sex, youre going to have to make the conscious effort to not have sex if you think it may hurt. If you want to put the brakes on once the wheels have been firmly set in motion, its going to take more than talking to get your point across. Not because your partner is a violent monster, but because men go into a more primal frame of mind when theyre having sex (again, something that many would consider one of the great joys of the act). If he still doesnt listen, then simply dont have sex with him at all, under any circumstance. If you feel like he is being malicious, then break up with him, as this would prove he has no intentions of stopping. If he does not allow you to stop having sex with him, despite your actions to prevent it from happening, then go to the police, as this is without a doubt rape.

    I want to remind people that these situations are far too complex to be summed up fully by a single post without the opposing view. Rape is rape, yes, but encouraging people to call consensual sex with their partner rape without taking into consideration anything but one persons word is irresponsible, no matter how supportive it may look or come off. Rape is too serious a matter to just be tossed around whenever something can potentially be considered as such.
  9. TWF

    TWF Well-Known Member

    He wanted to finish it quickly. It was careless of him though, if he really really cared about you he'd stop.

    I think you need to have a talk to him and decide wheter you trust him and want to continue this relationship because this is serious. Not to the extent of pressing legal charges though.
  10. coffee

    coffee Well-Known Member

    I guess the first step is talk to him about my experience with my first boy friend. Which I haven't told anyone......

    Then I have to make lots of decisions to make...

    Thanks everyone
  11. deferred dream

    deferred dream Well-Known Member

    Yeah, talking to him about why you feel as violated as you do is extremely important. Keep in mind that you need to think of how much you trust and love your current boyfriend and what you're willing to do to make that relationship work. Good luck!
  12. xXWhateverItTakesXx

    xXWhateverItTakesXx Forum Buddy

    Rape is a man forcing you to have sex. If you say no loudly, quietly or in anyway it doesn't matter. No means no and if he goes against your will its rape. You don't have to fight him off or struggle.

    I would talk things over with someone. If you don't feel comfortable then don't carry on the relationship. :hug:

    Take care xx
  13. kyle88

    kyle88 Well-Known Member

    THIS, well said.
  14. absolution

    absolution Forum Buddy

    Rape is saying no and them doing it anyways...
  15. Eloka

    Eloka New Member

    What a load of crap! Utter crap. If men can't understand a simple NO during sex then what makes them capable human beings?? "men go into a more primal frame" no they don't this is an excuse that apologists and rapists USE! I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years and NOTHING like this has ever happened to me, any time I have said I need to stop because of my past he HAS STOPPED.

    Men and their pathetic excuses "we have needs," "It's primal" blah blah blah; they are so primal?? Yeah well then maybe they are too damn primal to be in charge of anything because you never know when they are going to turn into animals.
  16. foolnomore

    foolnomore Well-Known Member

    Rape is any form of non consensual sex,no means no whenever it is said . I think you need to talk to your partner and explain sometimes you don't want sex and sometimes it hurts so you want him to stop and that he must respect your wishes. It is not your fault but you must understand you do have a choice,just because he asks doesn't mean you have to say yes. You can say no and you have the right to say no.

    I am not sure what you mean about it being painful,if you just mean he is rough then tell him you will not have sex with him until he stops being so rough. If on the other hand the act of sex is causing you pain for no known reason go and see your doctor,you may have an underlying medical condition that can be dealt with .Sex should never be painful unless you like pain and you have a masochistic relationship. If it just causes pain,go see your doctor and see if you can't get some help with it.
  17. gloomy

    gloomy Account Closed

    It sounds like he wants to have sex, she doesn't, but she's going through with it because she doesn't want to make him upset. He probably hears her, but doesn't realize that it's actually causing her distress. She's thinking 'he should understand me', and he's thinking 'She won't mind if I just finish this up quickly'. I'm pretty sure that he's not thinking 'I'm raping her, I'm a rapist'. It sounds like a communication problem more than anything… believe it or not, most guys… actually, most people… don't really know what they're doing.

    I would definitely ask yourself if he really seems like the kind of guy who would intentionally rape you if he knew for sure that that is how you felt… that's more likely to give you your answer. If he's a decent guy, he'll listen to how you feel and try to understand… but if you tell him how you feel and things don't change, then definitely dump him…

    I guess that some people on this thread are having some pretty extreme reactions, but I would never jump to the conclusion that it's all black and white.

    ---------- Post added 14th December 2011 at 12:28 AM ---------- Previous post was 13th December 2011 at 11:46 PM ----------

    Wait a minute this thread is 2 years old...
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 13, 2011
  18. ZasuArt

    ZasuArt Well-Known Member

    Agreed, Eloka. I know that this is an old thread, but as a survivor of rape, attempted rape and childhood sexual abuse, I feel compelled to insist that while our intimate relationships are complex, rape IS black and white. As human beings, male and female, we each have the right to control over who penetrates our bodies and when we allow this to happen. We also have a responsibility to exercise self-control and not violate that most basic human right. The moment one human being says, "no", "stop", "get off me" or any variation of these assertions, and another human being chooses not to immediately honor that demand, it is rape. The idea that men's sexual need is somehow so animalistic that they are incapable of stopping once they have started is utter nonsense. Of course, we may choose to handle this type of violation in our intimate relationships differently than we would in other circumstances, but the fact remains, penetration after consent is withdrawn is rape. And rape is NEVER acceptable or justifiable.
  19. gloomy

    gloomy Account Closed

    ^I don't think anyone is saying that rape is okay, just that he might not understand and that it doesn't seem reasonable to condemn him as a soulless monster who is intentionally hurting her.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 13, 2011
  20. ZasuArt

    ZasuArt Well-Known Member



    Well I definitely agree that it's never reasonable to condemn anyone as a soulless monster, and I don't think that was even close to what anyone has suggested regarding the OP's partner. And to be clear, consenting to sex when you really don't want to is NOT rape. The key word is "consent". I think that most sexually active adults have at one time or another willingly had sex when they really didn't want to. And I don't think that any reasonable person would call that rape. But again, once either party withdraws consent, it is the responsibility for the partner to respect that demand. In my case, just after willingly, moderately passionately kissing someone after a first (and obviously last) date when I was 18, he started groping me, clearly wanting more. I said no repeatedly and he violently forced himself on me. Is this not really rape because I consented to the intimacy of a kiss? What if I let him touch me, then said no? At what point in the process does one forfeit their right to control over their own body? Sorry to belabor the point. I'm absolutely not trying to pick a fight, and I'm certain that no one in this thread feels that they are truly condoning rape, but I think that the idea that it is ever "too late" to say no (and that some sex without consent is OK) empowers rapists.

    The attempted rape I mentioned happened a year later to the month. A man I was somewhat acquainted with (he lived in the same apartment complex and was friends with a mutual guy friend) hid in the shadows in the courtyard, followed me and forced his way into my apartment. He then cornered me, unzipped his pants and in the most degrading language possible, demanded sex. I begged him to leave, and thankfully he did, simultaneously threatening to kill me if I told, and claiming to be "just kidding" on his way out. I was terrified, but our mutual friend made light of it, and persuaded me to let it go (which I unfortunately did). Three months later, he broke into a ground floor apartment in the same complex and raped and stabbed a young mother while her baby slept in the next room. Thankfully, she survived, and he was caught and convicted. But if I had been strong enough to follow my instincts and not allow his behavior to go unpunished, he probably wouldn't have been emboldened to take it to the next level, and this poor woman's life would be very different today.

    ANYWAY... sorry to ramble! This is just a touchy subject for me. Peace...
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