Hi there, So I've started school again, this year as a sophomore (10th grade). But as you may know, life doesn't always go as you want. As for me, I have been called ugly many times two years ago. It still determines my choices and everything I do. I think too much about what I say and if I need to say something at all. Still I know people in my new class say I'm ugly. All of the boys are so stereotypical. All they care about is beer and pretty faces. They don't care about the inside. Even TV-shows show that you'll have to be pretty to get the boy. All of the girls shown on TV-shows, are pretty and make-up is visible. They don't have any acne or imperfections at all. I guess that's the standard for a nice looking girl? Make-up, no acne, etc. I don't know why. I honestly do understand you'd want a nice face to look at, but it's not all about that, right? I've been thinking about self harming way too much than a normal girl should. I have done it once. In my hand and it didn't really hurt, so it's alright. I told my classmate I wanted to see if 'it was sharp'. And so I cut myself. I know it's usually done in the wrist, thighs or stomach. The thing is, I am very fragile. I've been underweight all my life and I think it's good. Though the fact that I'm skinny doesn't help me with friends. For example, no boys ever talk to me, unless it's geeks. Ofcouse, that doesn't matter because they're nice. Another example, is that I never make any friends on holiday. Maybe it's because I'm anxious, I don't know. I always want to 'look good'. But I don't think that should be judged based upon make-up. I have this really good looking girl in my class and I always compare myself to other girls, wondering what I've done wrong in my life. Also, starving myself cannot happen. My hipbones are already starting to become visible. When I stretch. And hold my breath. But still, I've never had that before. I know this is completely going the other way than talking about ugly, but people calling me that, brought me to those things. My parents aren't all that strict, but they do make me eat. So they'd notice if I would stop eating food. And bulimia? I'm too scared to puke. So that brings me back to the ignoring part. I know it's probably the best, but I've heard it too many times it keeps swarming around in my head. I'm even too scared to look into the mirror while I'm at school, and if I do, I want to break down in tears and cry. Last Friday I got locked in the girl's bathroom. It didn't help my self-esteem. It only made me more anxious. Whenever someone does something I don't like, I ask myself: 'Is it because I'm ugly?' For example last week. I was sitting with my Moluccan friend at a table when this guy walks up to us, Thomas. He said 'Hey, Asnath.' to her and he didn't say anything to me, nor did he make eye contact with me. I immediately feel ugly and want to go away. Everyday in class I'm scared that the guys will take a picture of me, looking all goofy or my butt showing. I'm done with these insecurities. I'm just so done. I want them to go away, but it can't. I want to be able to look back at my high school time as a nice and fun time, with my friends. But I can't if it keeps on going like this... I know this is probably not as bad as most of the other stories posted on this forum, but I just had to let it out. Thank you for reading. Janine PS: My username doesn't refer to anything. I made this account somewhere in January or so, I think, and couldn't come up with a username, so that's why.