I'm a scientist with an advanced degree. I have access to a lot of chemicals and ordering and purchasing them. Years ago I had access to a gas that was toxic but threw it away. I recently ordered a.soffeeenrm chemical rhat is not safe. I know where it is in the lab at work and sometimes I think about taking it. I know I shouldn't even think about it but I'm just so.down. I don't want to be down.angmkre and don't want to do more.cognitiive therapy and uk tired of.medsthat make me.dull. I need encouragement to stop imagining dying.