Definitely killing myself now...another chronic illness

[Kaza]

I posted here before saying i wanted to die because i got diagnosed with a painful chronic incurable illness a few months ago.I tried very hard to pick myself up and keep going (using the words of support here) and was doing ok. Until three days ago. I woke up in horrendous excrutiating pain, the same burning pain, but in a completely different part of my body now. I go to the doctor and he tells me that I now have another illness, because apparantly what is happening to me is that my immune system is really breaking down and I am now getting all these 'itis' diseases.

I had an eating disorder for so long because of all the abuse I went through went young. I tried to get over that, only to get diagnosed with one illness and now another and now also told I will most likely get IBS and endometriosis (already showing signs of them).

The food I loved to eat is gone, no alcohol again, sex is painful, no energy to do things because of the restricted diet and all the different things I have to take, no joy in anything now, no interest in any of my posessions.

I have made my will and am making sure my husband and mother will be ok.

I am gone, this brutal terrible painful life has done me in. I am sorry to be posting this, I had a little hope for a few weeks and now all this, in just one week.

 

[Petal]

Hi kaza, I'm sorry to hear about your illnesses. Have you seen a specialist? Has your doctor prescribed medications for your illnesses? Hopefully you can find a way to decrease the symptoms.Don't give up :hug:

 

[IV2010]

I'm so sorry you're in such pain ..
I too understand what chronic pain is like..not fair!


I have made my will and am making sure my husband and mother will be ok.

the only way your Mum and husband will be ok is if you hold on and fight this urge to leave them by suicide..

please talk to your doctor, or get a new one if you don't have faith in him..
alternative therapies?..
I hope you can find some help for your health problems and the strength to seek them out..

 

[Kaza]

Sorry guys, it was really late when i posted. I know my mum and husband want me here, more than anything I could leave them. I have fought my whole life to stay alive, literally, get over the abuse, cope with the eating disorder, cope with so many other things that happened...and I always survived, even finding happiness along the way. I know I am probably unusual on here but the ONLY thing that makes me suicidal is physical pain. I have no tolerance for it, I dont know why, I know it comes from not trusting my own body. Regarding doctors, I know they are trying to help me but its like I have gone from having no health problems to suddenly four or five, all painful ones, in the space of six months. Its like my deepest fear, fear of pain, is being piled upon me and that is what will make me kill myself.

I cant say I wont do it, I nearly did last night. I cant take meds for the pain because I react badly to most of them, I am reacting even to supplements. Thats how I really do know now all of this is an immune system breakdown because I am so sensitive to everything now. Even my mother, who doesnt want me to go, she does understand how much I am suffering, she has witnessed what I went through this week alone, with the pain I woke up in and then trying to find out what has happened.

I wouldnt blame any of you for thinking this is all in my head, believe me, i did think it at the start as well. But apparantly, when the immune system breaks now, inflammation breaks out all over the body and you can get one or a number of diseases, just like that. I thought it was bad enough getting the bladder problem, but now to get this other and to also be showing signs of two more (which I thought I was imagining but tests had been done and showed more inflammation)...I cant deal with this, I cant deal with my body breaking down like this.

I am sorry guys, I dont know if I can hold on.

 

[Daphna]

There is true healing to everything and I wouldn't give up. There are many things in this world people do not understand, and if you destroy yourself as you plan; then you will never have the chance to get the understanding and healing that you desire. Death is an eventual end for us all; why rush it. Pain? Yes there are many different levels of pain, but there is pain releif also if you look for it and ask for it. I know it feels like the end of the world, but I tell you that this can be the beginning for you. A new beginning of a new life through understanding and enlightenment with healing. True blue healing that truly heals without side effects and cost. I pray you seek what I am talking about before believeing the lie that your life is over. And knowledge is worth living for because with knowledge there is freedom, hope, and life. Blessings...

 

[IV2010]

i do understand hun...I'm also terrified of pain and it makes the pain worse by worrying.
my immune system is all but gone and I can't take painkillers past a panadol and I have several auto-immune disorders....

the more stress the more it happens...

have you ever done a pain management course and/or tried meditation?
just a thought...

I lost my son to suicide and he was in mental /physical pain but it doesn't make it any easier to accept

I don't want your Mum and hubby to lose you that way..
a parent should never have to bury their child

I hope you find some relief for your pain and stick around..
please go talk to your doctor again and fight for your life
s*

 

[Kaza]

Oh IV2010, I am so sorry about your son, I feel like your post was like my mother saying that about me, i have upset her so much with my crying and saying I want to die, she says she would take the pain from me if she could.

I feel so ashamed, I am glad you posted and I am sorry to read about your own health, I know you are right, stress and fear make the pain much worse.

 

[Terry]

Don't know if it will help, but found this site :hug: