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Definitely the lack of certainty

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by betteroffunknown, Apr 17, 2012.

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  1. betteroffunknown

    betteroffunknown Well-Known Member

    It's been a while since I've posted here, but I'm feeling a bit on the discouraged side this evening borderline hopeless.

    It's a long story, and I'm not sure that most would believe it anyways. Suffice it to say I was a second victim in a guys scheme, and I'm the one paying for it. I'm sure that sounds unbelievable. Well, to be honest it feels that way too. I'm paying legally for it as well. This means I can't get a job, because no one wants to hire anyone on probation.

    I'm discouraged because I don't know how not to screw my life up. Even innocently and naivly I have screwed it up. I'm writing my story atm, and have been hammered with the thought that when I'm done dealing with what I must atm I'm disappearing. It seems only fitting for a screw up like myself.

    It's funny though, cause there's a part of me that would like to move on and try and do better for myself, but the reality is no one is interested in hiring a screw up like myself, and honestly I can't say that I blame them. I know I meant well in this legal situation. I sincerely had no idea what the guys true intentions were. If I admit to that then it sounds like I'm not taking responsibility for my actions, and yet I've never denied what I did. I'm simply an idiot who deserves nothing less than to isolate, and I do mean totally and completely isolate. In my heart I already know I can't prove my side, and it's not like anyone wants to believe it anyways.

    Sorry, done ranting.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi hun i think if you got good legal representation they would get people to see you are tellng truth You can move on hun lots of people get thier life back after even going to prison Don't be sorry for ranting you keep posting okay as you need support right now hugs
  3. betteroffunknown

    betteroffunknown Well-Known Member

    Thanks, hon. I was fortunate enough to get legal representation at the time. This is the reason why I'm not sitting behind bars right now. I was facing up to 60yrs in all, and yet never even saw a jail cell let alone spend time behind them. I think what's hard is that people see me as a horrible person, and I tend to kick myself in the behind often because blindly I allowed this guy to let me look this way. I can recall as a teenager thinking to myself I never wanted any trouble with the law, and here I was mislead to think I was with a genuine and good heart thought I was simply helping someone. It's really confusing sometimes, but can't help but think to myself even if this guy made me look like the horrible person he actually was I know in my heart I meant no harm to anyone.

    Today I met with a dear friend. She told me she is literally amazed that I didn't become a cold and ruthless individual because of my life's story. Beyond this she asked me if I would be interested in going to school (college). I told her I wouldn't mind at all, but unfortunately I've messed that up too! I have an outstanding school loan that I haven't been able to finish paying off so, I couldn't see getting a loan to do it. She said she can't guarantee anything, but she offered to begin checking into see if she can help with all this somehow. She's a highly connected lady, and if anyone can do it I'm sure she can although this is her first time looking into something like this. I think today she had a clearer understanding of who I actually am as a person, and can't help but think she sees I could use a chance to do better for myself. I just need the chance and guidance which I'm open to. So, I felt some encouragement today after speaking with her even if she can't find a way it's nice to know she was willing to try.
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