Definition of Rape...??

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by BornFree, Dec 21, 2010.

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  1. BornFree

    BornFree Well-Known Member

    Could be triggering...

    I was abused (along with my sisters) by my father so have struggled for most of my life anyway... but my main hope was always getting married to the man of my dreams...
    well we have been married 15yrs... with loads of ups and downs... and due to chronic illness I haven't always been the most attentive wife. So I kinda feel like its my own fault... anyway to cut a long story short... my husband forced me... we had agreed and then it was just too painful so I asked him to stop... but he went ahead anyway...!!
    I am really struggling... and had problems ever since... I tried suicide twice in last 2 weeks, now under crisis team... I so badly want his love and support... but with my childhood issues I can't bear to have him touch me or sit near me...
    I can't stop crying, its brought it all back... I just want to curl into a ball...
    I haven't told anyone for fear that with me not coping that they'd try take my children away...
    Then if we're married maybe he's entitled? Maybe its not even technically rape?
    I just don't know anything anymore...
  2. absolution

    absolution Forum Buddy

    :hug: I'm so sorry he did that to you. And just because you are married doesnt mean he can force you to have sex. You have the right to say no. And because he did it anyways after you said NO, its rape. I think maybe you should tell someone about it. Like the police. But remember, being married doesnt mean the he owns your body. You can say no at any time and he has to respect that or its rape. :hug:
  3. mortdesinos

    mortdesinos Well-Known Member

    It seems that whatever abuse you dealt with in childhood has

    Whatever abuse happened in childhood has triggered a flight mechanism to protect you from it occurring again. Try going very slowly with your husband. You DON'T have to tell him the details of what you are thinking right now. Of course, you do not want to scare him anymore than he is already from you not wanting to be with him at all. But try touching him and letting him touch you with very non sensual gestures. When you are ready to have sex again, make sure you are in more control than you have been, much more control. If he asks you why you are going through these changes, tell him it makes you feel better. After you start recuperating, then you can tell him the full story of what happened. You have been with him for a long time, so I think he will understand.
  4. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    so sorry this happened. yes, it's rape. no doubt about it. just because you are married doesn't entitle him to force you. why do you think they'll take the children away? what does your therapist say? have you had therapy for the abuse you experienced as a child? time to open up and get some extra help.
  5. BornFree

    BornFree Well-Known Member

    Thank you all for your feedback... truly appreciated. Thank you.

    I don't know what to say... and don't know the first thing about opening up... I am just at a total loss for words at the moment...
    All I said to the PsycDr was that my childhood was not the best and that my Dad was an alcoholic.
    My Dad always threatened to kill me if I told anyone so I guess thats still with me... so no I haven't had therapy for the abuse.
    I don't know what the circumstances are when they take the children away... I just couldn't bear it, so its a bit of a phobia I guess. They're all I have!
    My husband was my only support and now he scares me.
  6. Euphoria

    Euphoria Member

    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 29, 2010
  7. Louis03

    Louis03 Well-Known Member

    He should have stopped when you said stop, no excuse for that. I'm very sorry you had to go through those things and that you lost your sense of security with your husband. Whether you can move past that event or not I don't think it's my place to tell you what to do but please don't ever believe that "he was entitled". It was wrong and he needs to admit that before you can atempt to move foward. About your doctor I'm not an expert or anything but I really think you can open up more. It's my understanding that they only take childern away as a last resort in extreme cases.
  8. me myself and i

    me myself and i Account Closed

    When you dont want to, child or adult. simple
  9. Fitzy

    Fitzy Well-Known Member

    It's simplistic but "no means no" and your husband should have respected that - no two sides to that story.
    In the uk you can contact rape crisis or other survivor groups to get support about both the childhood abuse and this recent experience. This will be in confidence.
    Also, please believe me that your children will not be taken from you.
    Take care of yourself and seek support. X
  10. jasonkramer

    jasonkramer Well-Known Member

    legally if i remember correctly rape is the forced penetration of another's body with you own body parts. sodime is the exact same thing except with a foreign object used. the technical definition of rape is a bit more disgusting and iam not going to say it.
  11. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    Marital Rape has been illegal in UK since 1991, decided in the case R v R. He broke the law.
  12. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry, but it doesn't matter if there's two sides to every story. If she said STOP, and he didn't STOP, that is RAPE.

    Wow, asshole alert. You'd be pissed at your wife for not telling you earlier that she was raped? I hope to God you're not married and that no one every marries you. It's a difficult, very difficult thing to talk about. She might not even want to admit it to herself never mind anyone else. Even a husband of 15 years should be grateful for someone to open up to him that much. It's not something you HAVE to tell anyone, married or not.
  13. xXWhateverItTakesXx

    xXWhateverItTakesXx Forum Buddy

    Oh, please SHUT UP. You are so insensitive.

    She told him to stop, he didn't= rape. So it was NOT her fault.

    And, you would be PISSED?!?! that someone that had been badly abused as a CHILD, hasn't opened up to you? I really think you need help you stupid moron. You clearly do NOT understand anything. So don't say another word.

    You don't have to tell anyone that you have been abused, and shock and horror, it can be HARD to open up! Anyway, enough of the idiot..

    I am so sorry for what's happened to you hun. I hope you find strength to move on, and find someone that will treat you in a way you deserve. Or maybe just sit down and talk things through, if you could. Thinking of you

    :hug: xx
  14. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Can we be a bit more supportive here guys? I don't think Euphoria intended to sound insensitive, but that's how it was interpreted. Also, it seems that when Ditsy's husband forced her to have sex, this brought back many repressed memories of her father molesting her. I think you should tell your husband about what your father did to you, so that he can understand why you reacted the way that you did. You've been married for 15 years and I hope that this doesn't jepardize your marriage. What your father did was horrible, but you need to move on with your life.
  15. Fitzy

    Fitzy Well-Known Member

    People ARE being supportive - of Ditsy. She is the one who has been violated and Euphoria has compounded that by excusing the husband.
    I'm guessing that moving on is going to be a slow process and talking to her husband will probably be part of that process and he has to do some serious work on developing his understanding of Ditsy's experience.
  16. BornFree

    BornFree Well-Known Member

    Wow, thank you so much for all your feedback. You guys are awesome. It means more than you know...
    I did tell my husband about my Dad abusing me... right at the beginning of our marriage, I had to explain the night terrors etc. I know he has been amazing and yes we have been married for fifteen years.
    At the one family gathering, also at the start of our marriage, with all my sisters and their husbands, all the husbands were all talking together about their damaged wives... and my husband said how helpful that had been...
    So he knew... he definately knew...
    My husband's behaviour has just scared me and I feel so betrayed. There are two sides to every story, he has admitted it was wrong and he has apologized... I do love him so this is just me struggling with everything its brought up... all the memories, feelings etc. and trying desperately to get it all into perspective and not let this ruin my marriage and my life

    Thank you again xxx
  17. Fitzy

    Fitzy Well-Known Member

    I'm pleased your husband has apologised and I respect that you have forgiven him. I imagine that talking is going to be important for both of you.
    Sending you warm thoughts. X
  18. BornFree

    BornFree Well-Known Member

    Thank you Fitzy x

    I so wish I had forgiven him or even knew how... yes I should just move on and I should be stronger...
    but I'm a mess. He did apologise and he's moved on and acts as tough nothing happened.
    I don't know whats wrong with me, I don't want to be like this..... all the memories, nightmares, I can't eat, I can't sleep. I don't know what to do or even think anymore. I am a worthless piece of trash and what I think, say or feel doesn't count. I want the idyllic marriage but my husband scares me, he's nice and then the pendulum swings...
    He has decided he is coming with me to my next PDoc appt.
    I can't do this anymore. Maybe its time to just end me permanently and then everyone can get on with their lives.
  19. Fitzy

    Fitzy Well-Known Member

    You aren't worthless trash but that's how being abused affects people. You are someone who deserved to be cared for by the peole you trust and they betrayed that trust. Moving on is easier said than done and requires time and support.
    Your husband doesn't seem to recognise the horror of what he has done and I'm worried that there is more to your fear of him than the one incident. I think that he needs some help to explore the impact of abuse and look at his own behaviour. Is that why he is coming with you to your next appointment?
    Please don't harm yourself - don't give anyone that power over you. What support do you have until you see your psych? Do you talk with your sisters?Keep posting on sf and know that people care for you. X
  20. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    I can see how it would be hard for you to move past this. You trusted your husband to love and protect you and he took advantage of that. I dont want to offend anyone here but no means no, I dont care if your married, drunk or being dominated and paying for it.

    I to was abused by my "father" and mothers brother, sexual abuse stays with you for the rest of your life, the memories, the feelings, the bad vibes, all of it never goes away, but you can learn to live with it, you can learn some coping devices so its not so overwhelming to you.

    Dont feel guilt about not wanting your H to touch you, he took trust away and it may take a while to get passed it, he will have to deal with it, hes the one that broke it.

    Im here if you ever want to talk or just let things out.
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