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Deja vu

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Apparently I've been here before - back in 2006. I went to sign up and found that I had posted in the past. I vaguely remember this.

Since then, things actually got a little better. I'm still a biology prof at the same little College. I did some good stuff, I founded a major charity and have done some good things in the community; I bought a house (which has put me a bad place financially however). But I can't seem to keep up the charade for more than a few years without things completely falling apart. I don't enjoy my job anymore, and yet I can't imagine anything better. I never had the guts to go back and do a PhD, and I missed the deadline for next year (the College I work for will pay my salary for the first year). There are a bunch of other difficulties (financial and personal) - but nothing that many others don't struggle with.

My parents booked a Caribean cruise over Christmas for the whole family (me, my two brothers, and their wives and kids). I wanted so badly not to go. I had such a struggle to finish the last term and I just wanted a couple weeks to sit at home (and drink myself into oblivion). I have nothing against my family, and my nephew was really looking forward to sharing a cabin with me ( I used to be the cool uncle). When I am depressed it is very hard for me to be around people. I get very self-conscious; I hate myself and can't look people in the eye. I have very gradually slipped into deep depression over the last two years. Getting up and teaching has gotten very difficult for me. I find myself getting very nervous and tongue tied. I can't call in sick as there is no one to replace me. It is all I can do to perform. Back to the cruise - I was expected to be happy... I was trapped. I had to perform every hour of the day; I had to look people in the eye every hour of the day and pretend to be happy. I was suicidal before I went... I spent every night on the ship staring at the sea wanting to throw myself over the rail (which would have been pointless - the water was ridiculously warm). It just made me feel all the more useless to see my brothers with their families. I couldn't participate; I kept to myself as much as possible. I'd always planned to be married and have kids...I'd always wanted to be a father. But I don't want to subject someone to me.

I was diagnosed with BPD 20 years ago. It rears its head when I get depressed. I thought maybe it had waned, but my emotions have become very unsteady over the last couple years, changing by the moment. I am very quiet, soft spoken and level headed outwardly. My thinking becomes very aberrant when I am in a relationship or around my parents. I hate what I become and am helpless to stop it. Every relationship I have ever been in I have destroyed. I become hateful and manipulative. I feel anger and despair and guilt... I feel completely lost. I had made a point of not getting seriously involved with anyone over the last 5 years, even though this is what I want more than anything. To be honest, I more or less ignored my last two girlfriends - I made a concentrated effort not to connect with them.

Anyway, before this turns into a novel. I've been in the hospital four times over the past 20 years...I'm not going back. My employers and coworkers are not very enlightened when it comes to mental illness - even if I could return after a hospital visit there is no way I would want to. I have a reading week right now. I've spent most of the past 4 days unconscious – . As I recall this was pretty much the regiment in the hospital (different drugs, same regiment). I have the means to kill myself - three pretty decent plans. I live in Northern Alberta and the temperature is currently -30C. I figure getting drugged up and passing out in the snow overnight might be the simplest answer. Barring that I have some rather effective chemicals I've taken from the lab (I have <Edit Moderator Total eclipse method> for my mass...but I'm not big on convulsions).

I was thinking Saturday as I'd like to try and do some preparations in the meantime.

Really drowsy, off to bed for now.
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total eclipse

SF Friend
Staff Alumni
Hi i ready your post I do hope you get help even if you just go to your doctor and tell them you need your medication looked at You need somethng okay to pull you out of the darkness the downward spiral Don't let it take you down to deep it will only take you longer to get out of it. Time now okay reach out now and get the help that is there for you. Talk to school councilor as well see what can be done to take some of the stress off you. You can see clearly your illness has taken over so please reach out to your doc and get things changed a bit so you can start feeling stronger again hugs
Hello and welcome back to SF!

I wonder if there is a seasonal component to your depression? Or maybe a vitamin d deficiency? Maybe worthwhile checking into this.

Can you talk about any medications or treatments that you have tried?

If work is making you miserable, maybe you can leave it and get some disability benefits.

Therapy, and being in a supportive environment could be really good for you I think.

I hope that things get better for you soon!
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