Apparently I've been here before - back in 2006. I went to sign up and found that I had posted in the past. I vaguely remember this. Since then, things actually got a little better. I'm still a biology prof at the same little College. I did some good stuff, I founded a major charity and have done some good things in the community; I bought a house (which has put me a bad place financially however). But I can't seem to keep up the charade for more than a few years without things completely falling apart. I don't enjoy my job anymore, and yet I can't imagine anything better. I never had the guts to go back and do a PhD, and I missed the deadline for next year (the College I work for will pay my salary for the first year). There are a bunch of other difficulties (financial and personal) - but nothing that many others don't struggle with. My parents booked a Caribean cruise over Christmas for the whole family (me, my two brothers, and their wives and kids). I wanted so badly not to go. I had such a struggle to finish the last term and I just wanted a couple weeks to sit at home (and drink myself into oblivion). I have nothing against my family, and my nephew was really looking forward to sharing a cabin with me ( I used to be the cool uncle). When I am depressed it is very hard for me to be around people. I get very self-conscious; I hate myself and can't look people in the eye. I have very gradually slipped into deep depression over the last two years. Getting up and teaching has gotten very difficult for me. I find myself getting very nervous and tongue tied. I can't call in sick as there is no one to replace me. It is all I can do to perform. Back to the cruise - I was expected to be happy... I was trapped. I had to perform every hour of the day; I had to look people in the eye every hour of the day and pretend to be happy. I was suicidal before I went... I spent every night on the ship staring at the sea wanting to throw myself over the rail (which would have been pointless - the water was ridiculously warm). It just made me feel all the more useless to see my brothers with their families. I couldn't participate; I kept to myself as much as possible. I'd always planned to be married and have kids...I'd always wanted to be a father. But I don't want to subject someone to me. I was diagnosed with BPD 20 years ago. It rears its head when I get depressed. I thought maybe it had waned, but my emotions have become very unsteady over the last couple years, changing by the moment. I am very quiet, soft spoken and level headed outwardly. My thinking becomes very aberrant when I am in a relationship or around my parents. I hate what I become and am helpless to stop it. Every relationship I have ever been in I have destroyed. I become hateful and manipulative. I feel anger and despair and guilt... I feel completely lost. I had made a point of not getting seriously involved with anyone over the last 5 years, even though this is what I want more than anything. To be honest, I more or less ignored my last two girlfriends - I made a concentrated effort not to connect with them. Anyway, before this turns into a novel. I've been in the hospital four times over the past 20 years...I'm not going back. My employers and coworkers are not very enlightened when it comes to mental illness - even if I could return after a hospital visit there is no way I would want to. I have a reading week right now. I've spent most of the past 4 days unconscious – . As I recall this was pretty much the regiment in the hospital (different drugs, same regiment). I have the means to kill myself - three pretty decent plans. I live in Northern Alberta and the temperature is currently -30C. I figure getting drugged up and passing out in the snow overnight might be the simplest answer. Barring that I have some rather effective chemicals I've taken from the lab (I have <Edit Moderator Total eclipse method> for my mass...but I'm not big on convulsions). I was thinking Saturday as I'd like to try and do some preparations in the meantime. Really drowsy, off to bed for now.