deja vu

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by MoAnamCara, Apr 30, 2012.

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  1. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    so yeah, here agin.

    pretty much under the influence of alchol and wanting more. To forget or try to forget reality. I mean, she is gone - forever - completely. never to feel her touch again, hear her whispers, her gentle voice, knowing she would protect me no matter whta. she saved my life, literally. to never have that connection again, someone who just knows you, gets you.

    i dont understand as kept buys all day outside. when done I felt this deep pain within and ending up sh'ing.

    i feel on edge, scared, alone and confused. very confused and guilty.

    its only 1am and ive a nightt og et through. so hard.
  2. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    Why the guilt, Mo?
  3. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Too many resasons windle, tooo many reasons. just me bein me.
  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni you, I get bit in the a** with the standards I set for myself...ones no human could probably live up to...sorry I was not up, but next time, plez text and if I hear the phone, I will respond...big hugs and much caring
  5. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    Taking on everything as usual, you are not responsible for everything Mo!
    I hope you can separate your natural grief and your guilt (which you should be able to ease.)
  6. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Oh here we go again. Sad day, an unrelenting ache inside.

    And I am responsible. For my actions and inaction. No one else is responsible for me nor for my decisions. Just me and only foolish me.

    Just past six weeks and it seems to hurt more than ever. I'd like to join her but I'm unsure of how. And there are four legged dependants who would need sorted out. Its funny how, as days pass, people assume it gets easier or better. Im good at hiding things though, im good at that, have been trained right throughout my life in that talent.
  7. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    Does her memory keep her alive in spirit? Your mind? Your daily Life? I don't deal particularly well with death, either, so I don't know what the best answers are.... But it sounds like she meant something supremely special to you, and I'm willing to bet that you meant quite a lot to her as well, so I know that she was better for having had you in her Life. And I somehow doubt very strongly that she would be o.k. with you wishing to join her.. "Keep up Heart!" (poe)
    Last edited by a moderator: May 1, 2012
  8. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    She saved my life, literally. So I was the fortunate one.

    And as for being with her, thats one thing I don't doubt very strongly. I understand it sounds absurd but I know what I know.

    Irregardless, this changes nothing. An empty heart & soul. Alone.
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