Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by GoldenPsych, Mar 17, 2011.

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  1. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    Am I deluding myself with all of this?
  2. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    only you can answer that. what would you do if you were in sam's position? do the other professionals agree with her (your doc and pdoc?) yes, things have been getting worse for you but has that affected your job? you think not, and i believe you. doesn't mean that you don't need help, because clearly you do. if not sam, then another counsellor. you don't have to keep suffering like this. i say, make your case to the school and then concentrate on getting better. that's the most important thing. sending hugs

  3. absolution

    absolution Forum Buddy

    I'm sorry you are having a rough time right now. If you need someone to lean on I'm here for you.
  4. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    I don't know if they agree with her or not. I am going to see my GP next week. I booked in before all this kicked off as wanted to get a 3 month supply of meds as cheaper and then I was told he wanted to see me. So I will bring it up then. I will ask him what he thinks and put my case to him. And then ask him for a fit note. I will do the same with PDoc. I have appointment with him on the 28th.

    Sam said she would call me today but she hasn't. I am wondering if the email I had last night was after her talk with the directors. But I would have thought she would have still called to discuss it with me. She said she was on my side, in terms of wanting what's best for me. But she thinks I am to vulnerable.

    It's making me question things. I know I am not doing that well recently. But, am I doing worse than I think? And I worry that I am deluded myself with all of this. It's so frustating and I don't know how I can move on from this.
  5. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    in all honesty i think the fact that you are swallowing things means you are worse than you think. that's a very serious form of self harm and potentially deadly. but you know this. i know you know this. that's why i want you to get some help. i don't want to lose you. but i also know how much this placement means to you, and how it helps keep you stable, at least for the hours you are there. and i'm certain that you are a very good social worker. you give great advice here, and your blog is very thoughtful.

    that's why i say no matter what happens with the placement getting better has to be your priority. it's that serious.
  6. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    Maybe I am just having trouble admitting to myself how bad things are? I don't see that they have got any worse, but then the self harm methods, well they aren't exactly great are they?
  7. Fitzy

    Fitzy Well-Known Member

    Hi. I really want to help you with this. My pc is still out of commission and iPhone is crap for long messages. I will be in touch tomorrow.
    Sleep tight. X
  8. Lizzieni

    Lizzieni Well-Known Member

    Hi GP

    I really feel for you. You are ill and need to stop selfharmng- if only to prove to them. I'm sure you k ow what kind of people your lecturers and head of school are - do you think they're the supportive type? Maybe they would give you a month off and then let you back? Or even if they're that worried about you working with vunerable people, why don't they have someone supervise you?
    If when you speak to them, they are pessimistic Id offer anything to stay onthe course - even if that means the selfconscious act of being supervised.

    Maybe they don't want to have to add resources to one student in the current economic climate but I know last year depression was officially categorised as a disability in the Uk- meaning you're protected by the disability discrimination act. You could tell them you deserve the support just like someone in a wheelchair deserves ramps! I can imagine myself flouncing off in a huff after saying that! Lol
    so maybenot, but you have options and I think making it clear how much the work and studies improves your mental state through helping others, then they should want to help you stay.

    Good luck and remember showing your willingness to improve should go a long way. After all, the details of what you discuss with Sam should not be shared with others- just the fact that she's worried about your safety.

    Good luck.x
  9. Lizzieni

    Lizzieni Well-Known Member

    You could also check with the menal health charities - if they can offer advice, assistance or an advocate? They're bound to. Mind, rethink - only two I can think of at mo. Night.
  10. Lizzieni

    Lizzieni Well-Known Member

    Really need to spellcheck - soz, it's late and I'm on iPhone.x
  11. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    I'm going to book an appointment with uni for the afternoon after psych appointment. I'll see what they say.
  12. Butterfly

    Butterfly Resident SF Sims Enthusiast Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    Hiya GoldenPsych,

    I read your posts on here a lot and I don't always know what I can say. But I know how it feels to be in a position where fitness to practice comes into question. I am a student nurse and also work as a carer in a care home on the side. When I applied for my course I had to be vetted over more than any other candidate to ensure I was safe to practice, and I had to have an additional health check for my job. You feel like you are being belitted and you kind of feel like a kid who has to be supervised. I too when I work, leave my problems by the door of wherever I'm working and get on with the job. However, I don't blame the powers that be for having to give me extra vetting.

    Unfortunately we live in a society full of litigation. If you or I made a decision where a vulnerable person is at risk, that for you could perhaps be missing a detail from an assessment and for me it could mean forgetting to tell the nurse in charge about a small significant detail about a patients blood pressure, if something went wrong with that patient we can be liable. Yes our mentors are the ones fully accountable but if it went to the coroner we are the ones that could face punishment too. When investigating they call into question everybody's mental health and physical health etc. If they found out about the extent of our mental health status they can blame everything on that (whether it is that that has caused the mistake or not) and we can be struck off before we are even on the register for failing to recognise we are not fit for practice.

    I think if you look at it, Sam is trying to protect both yourself (mental health wise and career wise) aswell as your clients. I know I would be insulted and distraught if my GP or a counsellor tried to take away what I have worked so hard for. Having to be put back is both negative and positive in some ways. It takes longer to qualify and you lose all your friends, but it gives you that time to focus on your health. I don't think you quite realise the damage you are causing yourself sometimes and the frequency of your suicidal thoughts. What would you do if in your placement you came across someone such as yourself? I don't think you should mistrust Sam. I think she perhaps should have consulted you before making the suggestion of putting on hold your university course to the directors so it didn't come as such of a shock and a blow, but she is doing her job by protecting you from what could potentially happen. Potentially if you made a mistake in practice, she too could be liable for that mistake knowing the extent of your health. There is so much bloody politics involved in our job. If it wasn't for this bloody litigation and people sueing everyone this would needn't be such an issue, however everybody has to protect their PIN.

    I read your posts and I know how it feels to be apprehensive about your family knowing about your issues. My parents don't know about my latest bout of depression and that is how it is going to stay. However I have learned that I just cannot keep this all to myself. I do post on here but it is no substitute for talking about my issues face to face. I hate it. I really do. And I used to lie to my psychotherapist about the extent of my self harming and suicidal thoughts. I lied myself out of being sectioned after a major overdose. But after time I realised that if I wasn't being honest with my therapist, then how was I ever going to get better? We found solutions to my problems without having to be hospitalised and I came out of the other side. I really did feel rotten and at times after a session I could have just thrown myself off a building etc but I am glad that I made the most of my therapy. My key was not being afraid of what could happen, and let what happens happen. It is easier said than done I know. But there was a point where I dropped out of school so I could get better (even though it was my final year of GCSE's) and I could have been hospitalised at any point. But I am glad that I took the time to concentrate on recovering, even though it didn't seem the best option at the time.

    On the other hand, if it is your course and placement that are the only reason you wake up for in the morning and makes you happy and satisfied that you have done a good job, I would fight to stay. I would say go ahead and carry out the plans you have made to see the GP, PDOC and university. Keep reiterating how important this is to your recovery, your life and also for the clients. I would also question Sam on why she did not consult you about this plan of action first, perhaps you could have both found a good solution together by working through it.

    I hope you do find a solution to all of this, it is not easy. I will be thinking about you and I hope all goes well.

    Take care and keep safe hun, keep us posted on what happens.

    Lexi xxxx
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