Hiya GoldenPsych,
I read your posts on here a lot and I don't always know what I can say. But I know how it feels to be in a position where fitness to practice comes into question. I am a student nurse and also work as a carer in a care home on the side. When I applied for my course I had to be vetted over more than any other candidate to ensure I was safe to practice, and I had to have an additional health check for my job. You feel like you are being belitted and you kind of feel like a kid who has to be supervised. I too when I work, leave my problems by the door of wherever I'm working and get on with the job. However, I don't blame the powers that be for having to give me extra vetting.
Unfortunately we live in a society full of litigation. If you or I made a decision where a vulnerable person is at risk, that for you could perhaps be missing a detail from an assessment and for me it could mean forgetting to tell the nurse in charge about a small significant detail about a patients blood pressure, if something went wrong with that patient we can be liable. Yes our mentors are the ones fully accountable but if it went to the coroner we are the ones that could face punishment too. When investigating they call into question everybody's mental health and physical health etc. If they found out about the extent of our mental health status they can blame everything on that (whether it is that that has caused the mistake or not) and we can be struck off before we are even on the register for failing to recognise we are not fit for practice.
I think if you look at it, Sam is trying to protect both yourself (mental health wise and career wise) aswell as your clients. I know I would be insulted and distraught if my GP or a counsellor tried to take away what I have worked so hard for. Having to be put back is both negative and positive in some ways. It takes longer to qualify and you lose all your friends, but it gives you that time to focus on your health. I don't think you quite realise the damage you are causing yourself sometimes and the frequency of your suicidal thoughts. What would you do if in your placement you came across someone such as yourself? I don't think you should mistrust Sam. I think she perhaps should have consulted you before making the suggestion of putting on hold your university course to the directors so it didn't come as such of a shock and a blow, but she is doing her job by protecting you from what could potentially happen. Potentially if you made a mistake in practice, she too could be liable for that mistake knowing the extent of your health. There is so much bloody politics involved in our job. If it wasn't for this bloody litigation and people sueing everyone this would needn't be such an issue, however everybody has to protect their PIN.
I read your posts and I know how it feels to be apprehensive about your family knowing about your issues. My parents don't know about my latest bout of depression and that is how it is going to stay. However I have learned that I just cannot keep this all to myself. I do post on here but it is no substitute for talking about my issues face to face. I hate it. I really do. And I used to lie to my psychotherapist about the extent of my self harming and suicidal thoughts. I lied myself out of being sectioned after a major overdose. But after time I realised that if I wasn't being honest with my therapist, then how was I ever going to get better? We found solutions to my problems without having to be hospitalised and I came out of the other side. I really did feel rotten and at times after a session I could have just thrown myself off a building etc but I am glad that I made the most of my therapy. My key was not being afraid of what could happen, and let what happens happen. It is easier said than done I know. But there was a point where I dropped out of school so I could get better (even though it was my final year of GCSE's) and I could have been hospitalised at any point. But I am glad that I took the time to concentrate on recovering, even though it didn't seem the best option at the time.
On the other hand, if it is your course and placement that are the only reason you wake up for in the morning and makes you happy and satisfied that you have done a good job, I would fight to stay. I would say go ahead and carry out the plans you have made to see the GP, PDOC and university. Keep reiterating how important this is to your recovery, your life and also for the clients. I would also question Sam on why she did not consult you about this plan of action first, perhaps you could have both found a good solution together by working through it.
I hope you do find a solution to all of this, it is not easy. I will be thinking about you and I hope all goes well.
Take care and keep safe hun, keep us posted on what happens.
Lexi xxxx