Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Deleted SKU, Aug 29, 2011.

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  1. Deleted SKU

    Deleted SKU Well-Known Member

    How can it be that the only thing that is keeping me alive right now are my own delusions? I know they aren't real, but they are the only thing that is keeping me from acting tonight.

    Day to day life isn't worth it, most of the people in the world are just out for themselves, basking in their ignorance. I guess that is not a big problem for each single individual, but it means I have to build my sanctuary closer to home, so to speak.

    Not that home is any better. I can't feel bad... or more accurately, I feel like i'm not allowed to feel bad, because i'm made to feel worse if I do, made to feel like my feelings are wrong. So I try other things, to get support, to feel some sort of safety... but there has to be something wrong with me, something fundamentally hateable. It's not like I haven't tried on countless occasions.

    Sometimes sleep was the answer, a totally different reality, a respite from this shit. But of course i'm in a cycle of nightmares at the moment, that I can't shake free of either. They try to screw me in my sleep too.

    So i'm awake, dead tired, can't go to sleep, can't stay awake. But i'm getting delusions like someone is here with me, I keep hearing a womans voice, telling me to snap out of it, to come back. I keep feeling momentary touches, maybe like i'm being held for a moment, or a brush of fingers across my cheek... I know it's not true, I know it's not real, but maybe insanity is a good idea. If the only way I feel safe is a product of my own distorted mind, then what other choice do I have but to submit to it?

    Right now that is all that is stopping me I think. I've hurt myself, but... well not badly enough. No idea what to do, how to escape it, apart from the obvious.
  2. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    I don't feel like I'm allowed to feel bad either. I was told I couldn't go to councelling, or physical therapy, or back to my doctor appts. I get jumped on if I don't have things done. I was given shit for wanting to go to the hospital. Told I was worthless and that there wasn't anything wrong with me. While I'm crying in pain, I am screemed at, being called a faker, that I am a worthless lazy piece of crap, that all I want to do is lay around in bed, my life is meaningless. These words are hard words to here, especially when you feel down already. I hope whatever is happening to you, isn't that bad. I am sorry you feel that way.

    I honestly think it sounds like your having a nervous breakdown. I've had some delusions myself from past history with depression and went through several breakdowns. Are you under much stress? Lexapro really helped me feel better from this, it's an antidepressant that also calms down anxiety and stress.

    You should go see your doctor and ask for help with this. You need someone to treat this for you and someone who will be understanding and help you. That is the only way I know of that you can escape it.

    Please go talk to your doctor.
  3. Deleted SKU

    Deleted SKU Well-Known Member

    It isn't quite as bad as that, it's more that any bad feelings I have are dismissed as trivial, or not appropriate for someone like me. Like, I'm a guy, I shouldn't be feeling these things, I shouldn't get upset, I shouldn't have feelings, let alone have them be hurt by anyone. It's not the same sort of treatment I used to suffer, but it feels worse because I honestly gave myself every chance to be in a completely different situation, and I find most patterns repeat.

    I don't have a doctor, or anyone at all to turn to for help here. I'm not worried about the delusions, because I know they are not real, either my mind is playing games with me, wanting to make me feel bad but stop me doing anything, drive me mad, or trying to help me, trying to stop my mind getting that far, I don't know really.

    But right now I want them to be real, I want to believe they are really happening, as the concoctions of my mind seem to be the only things left that might give a damn about me.
  4. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    I had the delusions that the guy I was in love with was right there with me with his arms wrapped around me.. Well I guess it's okay to feel like someone is there comforting you if you need them to be.. Even if it's not real.

    You need to get a doctor involved. Is there a reason you can't go to a doctor? No insurance maybe? My doctor would charge me about $35 for a visit back when I didn't have insurance. If you couldn't afford it, they could work with you on lower price medications, give you samples from the office.

    You should be able to be yourself. It's okay to feel how you are feeling. No one should be so judgemental like that toward you. They aren't being very kind and I am sorry that you have to go through that.

    If it makes any difference at all, I give a damn, and I am sure you'll find many other people here that also feel the same way.
  5. Deleted SKU

    Deleted SKU Well-Known Member

    I'm not in the US, but the cost of seeing a doctor is one of the issues... it's also difficult for me to see one here due to various reasons. I've never been much of one for doctors anyway, don't really trust them.

    And i've spent my whole life pretty much dealing with this sort of thing on my own, so i'll probably come out the other side of it fine again this time.

    I guess the thing is, is that I know that I shouldn't be made to feel like this... but I don't see how I can change anything.
  6. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    Well a guy that doesn't have any feelings, can't let out a good cry, or show any emotion, is a type of guy I wouldn't want to friend up with. It equals no heart.

    There are plenty of people that lack a heart, can't show compassion toward another soul, can't be caring, selfish, only out for themselves. You really wouldn't want to be like that would you?

    People like that are jerks. You shouldn't ever let them make you feel bad. If someone can't apprieciate you for who you are, then don't let them partake in your life.

    It's really hard trying to be yourself. If I was to tell everyone how suicidal I've been lately, they would just judge me for being crazy, and I am not crazy. Life just got overwelming.

    I hope you can find some people in your life that aren't so selfish. And for the mean time, you have us..
  7. Deleted SKU

    Deleted SKU Well-Known Member

    I think most of the time that it would be much easier to be like that. It's far easier not to get hurt by life if you don't care about it... I couldn't be that way, even if I wanted to be though.

    I guess the question I ask myself though is what to do when everyone in life is a jerk... or at least to be fair, everyone who I should be able to be myself with, extending across... my entire life I guess. I can only think of one person who is an important part of my life who has rarely treated me like that.

    I guess the good thing about this place is the anonymity... I can try to be who I am, try to be honest, but even then.... well I can't be too honest.

    I got a few hours sleep in the end, but woke up feeling as bad, but without the delusions... not sure if that is an improvement or not.
  8. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    I have that one person too, my great aunt. She's my best friend really. My brother would do anything for me too, but I can't really get into the conversation with him about how I feel. No one really wants to here that stuff. My aunt is the only one I feel like I could tell anything to, but I wouldn't tell her how depressed I am, even though I know she'd be understanding.

    I've had so many people in my life, jerks,, so to speak, still do. I try not to associate with whom I don't have to, if they are like that. I guess you just have to get out there and meet people and find some who are kind and caring.

    And even one's that are treating you that way, actually have the capability of loving you, even if they have a funny way of showing it.

    And yes you can be as honest as you want to be. It's okay. We are here to help, here to listen, and give you a shoulder to cry on, if you need it. Don't be afraid to share your real self. Whatever is going on, no one is perfect, so don't feel like you have to hide it.
  9. Deleted SKU

    Deleted SKU Well-Known Member

    Its good that she is there near you... the one person I can talk to is a friend from years back, who I can only talk to online now, since they are hundreds of miles away now... and I don't talk to her too often now, she is far too busy with her life most of the time.

    The problem is really that I fundamentally distrust people in real life, and increasingly online. I'm not exactly the greatest socially, but the people I do get on with ok are all fairly superficial friendships... no qualms with that really, I can't make other people be something they're not, but it means I couldn't even think about talking about that sort of thing. And anonymity only works so far... when you start being open with someone, that's when the risk of rejection comes in again...
  10. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    Well maybe when you get out and spend time with people, you should cover up what your going through, and when your home by yourself, you can let it out, and just be yourself, or when your talking to us. Even if you only share some of your thoughts, and if only to people your talking to online, I think you need to. People have a tendancy to run from other people who can't be all cheery and keep a big smile on their face. I guess maybe they need cheered up a little themselves and the negativity just brings them down. You need to try to get past the issue of distrust. That is only going to lead to loneliness and I know you don't really want that.

    I tell you what. I will open up and tell you something I haven't told anyone in this forum. Haha oh god.. This is just something weird.

    When I was 11 yrs old, my grandmother died. Only thing I really remember about her now is how she used to take us all in the back room and tell us ghost stories, and when she was laying around in bed sick and all aggitated. I saw her after she died by the well house with a dog, that dog proceded to come down the yard and go into concrete steps and disapear. Wow thought I must of been nuts, but my mom told me a few years back that her brother saw a dog do the same thing. Don't know if that made me feel any better. Haha..

    Well I also have 2 great great aunts that were witches, both of them were put in jail for it, one of my aunts knew how to take a blanket and put it over a clothes line and get milk from that blanket. Could be a tall tell but that's what I was told.

    I had no more problems with this until after I got married, and after I came down sick. A couple of times I saw a black shadow zoom across the room. Thought I was just hallucinating, but my daughter's friend says she saw the same thing after I moved out of here. I would here footsteps in our kitchen all of the time, my daughter did too. Sometimes I'd here men talking outside when it was late, go look and no one would be there. My daughter and her friend has seen the tv flip channels by itself, light go off and on by itself, her doorknob moves by itself. At least I am not alone in my insanity. Well, I end up having this overwelming feeling that something evil was standing over top of me, put the worst feeling over me imaginable. That is when I got scared of the dark. After I moved out, all this shit stopped.

    But I moved back here about two years ago, and here we go again. I was laying in bed one night, know good and well I was awake, and feel a cold wind at the bottom of the bed on my feet, and heard a noise, so I thought my daughter was getting something off of the night stand, well after this happened 3 times in a row, I decide to roll over and see what the snot she was doing. As I am doing so, I feel this cold wind go up my neck and a man's voice says the words FK in my ear. Totally scared me shitless, I jumped up out of there, ran in the other room, and told them what happened, just so they could pissy laugh at me. Hahahaaa. I also saw a black shadow in my bedroom after that. Only thing I can figure is it must be possible to be asleep and wide awake at the same time, because I was laying down both times.

    I could think the goofy, like charles manson used to be a neighbor here as a kid. Like maybe he had people killed and buried them under our home. Hahaa. I really don't believe in paranormal, but it strikes me hard. My daughter in laws mother is a ghost hunter. I guess, I wonder, why so many people believe all this stuff, that maybe it is true, but my common sense says no way. The mind is just funny about playing tricks on you.

    I also had this experience where I knew something happened before it actually did. Unbelievable experience.

    I had a vision and saw my grandfather die almost 11 yrs back, right before he was taken to the hospital. Everything I visioned, came true. I loved him more than anything. One of the greatest people you'd ever meet. I knew he was sick. I don't know if it was a sense that picked this up, telling me to go see him before he passed away, but my family was supposed to pick me up and take me to the hospital with them the day he died, they forgot about me, my mom and sister. Nice of them to do that huh.

    So there, I told it. And I bet you will still talk to me. lolol..
  11. Deleted SKU

    Deleted SKU Well-Known Member

    Well that's what I do most of the time... outside, with the people I need to interact with in my day to day life, I don't even attempt to talk about this stuff... haven't made that mistake in years. The problem is that, when I have talked about this stuff in the past online, on various communities, the outcomes tend to be rather mixed. The distrust builds from experience, so I consider it to be a rational distrust, where the consequences of trusting people tend to outweigh the consequences of keeping that sort of thing in. Of course that's very much a generalisation, most of the time everything is fine :p ... but enough times things have worked out badly to have internalised that belief. Though I will say, people who are cheery all the time... bore me? (that sounds a little harsh, I know!). A passive safety of life is at peace, a banal set of shades of grey (or yellow, as that's a happier colour :p ).

    And yes, I will still talk to you :p ... in fact, it echoes somewhat with my younger days. When I was younger, I thought I was being... I don't think haunted is the word, just... that there was regularly some sort of 'ghost', for the lack of a better word, which I saw on occasion... infrequently enough that I could have probably put it down to other things, but often enough at the time that I developed an intense curiosity with paranormal and parapsychological phenomena.

    That went on for a few years, and I convinced myself of some things... well, I don't know how true they were. I didn't mess around with the occult or anything like that, but played around with senses, perceptions and... well it got to a point where I knew that it was unhealthy for me to keep thinking that way and function normally. So I purged my mind of it, convinced myself that none of it was true, the same way I had convinced myself it was in the first place :p ...

    That was a while back now, and now... i'm not sure either way. I don't know how much of what went on was me deluding myself, how much of me being convinced that it didn't happen was deluding myself, so have no way at all of trusting my perceptions of that time :p

    I guess that's why I wasn't so worried about the delusions themselves yesterday... I guess I needed them to be real at that time, and the only thing that matters is what is perceived really... that it doesn't even matter if things are real or not as such, or even whether they are perceived as such, but just what is perceived, and how we react to it (sorry, I get like this when my mind is trying to engage with dissonant concepts :p ).
  12. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    I think your right, it matters how you deal with it, not what has actually happened. You seem pretty sensible about what is going on, and you have pretty good explainations as to why.

    Okay, thank you for feeding my mind more on the paranormal. I need that. Haha..

    Well you might like me, you might not. Sometimes I'm very cheery, and sometimes I just want to crawl in a hole and never come back out. My mood is pretty shifty lately. Maybe it's menopause coming on?? But I think I have a few years left for that one.

    You sound like a very intellegent and interesting person, and a bit mysterious. Some of the words you've said, I had to google to get the definition to. lol..
  13. Deleted SKU

    Deleted SKU Well-Known Member

    It comes from spending a lot of time on my own, gives me time to think about how screwed up my head is, and understand where it goes and why... doesn't mean I can do anything about it unfortunately, but it's a start!

    My apologies... as I said, i'm not sure how real my observations of paranormal phenomena were... I have a habit of putting an unneccessary level of thought into these things, so you can disregard it all safely :p

    And there is nothing wrong with being cheery, as long as that's not all someone is :p ... I distrust people who are cheery all the time, it makes me wonder what they are hiding ;)

    And I guess that is why appearances on the internet can be misleading, if I come across as intelligent and interesting ;) ... Mysterious is right though :p
  14. GreyIceWater

    GreyIceWater Member

    i feel for you, rathis.

    it's goddamn painful when people you loved and trusted move far away, or are generally inaccessible. I feel the same way about the internet, not trusting people as much as I did - I remember when the net was full of message boards and wasn't so linked in with facebook and real-life things... it makes it harder to open up, especially knowing how easy it is for everything to just fall away again.

    Find something worth being alive for, for this moment in time. Sometimes it's the green of the leaves against the blue of the sky that works for me, sometimes it's a particular flavour. You will feel alright again before you die, if you let it happen. If you act to kill your self, you are taking that guarantee away from yourself. Are these your parents who deny your real feelings? Fuck them, what do they know about life love and pain if they can't be empathetic towards their own child? Put your thoughts towards moving out, maybe you'll figure out a way to escape that doesn't have to end in blood.

    ... sorry if that was totally off the mark, btw... i obviously have no idea if you live with your fam or not... <: )
  15. Deleted SKU

    Deleted SKU Well-Known Member

    You're a little off the mark, but that's my fault for being so vague I guess :p I'm living with my girlfriend, am a long way from my family (was verbally and occasionally physically abused by my father... nothing too serious relatively speaking, but enough for me to have wanted to get away from there as quickly as I could). It's her who tends to disavow my feelings.

    I tend to compartmentalize my online existance as much as I can, to keep the bits I want to keep separate, away from each other. I guess it's just damage limitation really, I expect at some point for someone to hurt me, just make sure that they can't go deep enough to do any damage.

    The difficult thing though is that I could argue that i'm guaranteed to feel bad countless times again between now and the day I would die without my own intervention in the decision. To feel suicidal, to self-harm, to feel alone, to be hurt by others, which then predicates suicide as a solution to those feelings.
  16. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    Awww, I was just kind of making a picky joke... It didn't bother me..

    Sorry that you feel that way with your girlfriend. Of all people, you should be able to be yourself with, it should be the person your spending your life with.. :(
  17. Deleted SKU

    Deleted SKU Well-Known Member

    Well I thought you might be, but I wasn't sure :p ...

    And this is where I tend to get mopey and defensive, though I shall try to avoid it... Before I met her... well things were worse. We helped each other through a lot of hard times, and... when I moved here to be with her, I thought I would have everything I wanted in life... but life is never that simple :(

    To me she was... well, the last shot I would get at life. I had survived a couple of suicide attempts, but was ready to try and probably succeed. I ended up living for her for a long time, which was the only way I could get through to the other side, and try to progress. I deluded myself in thinking that I was as important to her as she is to me... maybe she wasn't honest with me, or maybe I just had to make myself believe that, and ignored anything else... I don't know really. I don't know really how things stand between her and I, what she feels... I talk to her, I ask her, and she wont talk to me about it.

    So i'm almost back where I started, with the added knowledge that the sort of love I craved, that I thought would help me escape these thoughts, simply doesn't exist. But I still love her, regardless of how she treats me...

    My apologies, as I said, mopey and defensive. Too much emotion I can't distance from this and think about it properly :(
  18. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    Sometimes I think we might delude ourselves into thinking we are in love, but all we are in love with is the fantasy of what we think this love would be like, and when we get to actually experience it, our hearts end up broken, for it is not what we expected.

    As long as you two really love each other, and you try to be good to each other, you'll be okay. If you don't feel like she loves you, you'd be best moving on, and finding someone who could act like they did.

    Don't sweat it, we all get mopey over love..
  19. Deleted SKU

    Deleted SKU Well-Known Member

    The one thing I don't know is how am I supposed to know if it is meant to be... which I guess makes me unique in the universe :p

    I've never been particularly pragmatic when feeling 'in love'... I would say right now that I love my girlfriend, but I don't feel 'in love'... or more accurately maybe just that I feel far more distant from her than I used to be. I know a lot of that was down to my own naivety... I wanted to believe so much that moving away from the life I had to this new one would solve all my problems... It just gave me different ones :p ... again, a story I think most people in the world can tell for one reason or another.
  20. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    I am not good on matters of the heart.. When I can love someone who would never feel the same way, for as long as I have, but the meant to be thing, I have just known, never needed to question it. In my 40 years of existence, this is the only time I can say that. It's not that I never loved anyone else, just that I didn't feel like it was something I couldn't get over if need be.
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