How can it be that the only thing that is keeping me alive right now are my own delusions? I know they aren't real, but they are the only thing that is keeping me from acting tonight. Day to day life isn't worth it, most of the people in the world are just out for themselves, basking in their ignorance. I guess that is not a big problem for each single individual, but it means I have to build my sanctuary closer to home, so to speak. Not that home is any better. I can't feel bad... or more accurately, I feel like i'm not allowed to feel bad, because i'm made to feel worse if I do, made to feel like my feelings are wrong. So I try other things, to get support, to feel some sort of safety... but there has to be something wrong with me, something fundamentally hateable. It's not like I haven't tried on countless occasions. Sometimes sleep was the answer, a totally different reality, a respite from this shit. But of course i'm in a cycle of nightmares at the moment, that I can't shake free of either. They try to screw me in my sleep too. So i'm awake, dead tired, can't go to sleep, can't stay awake. But i'm getting delusions like someone is here with me, I keep hearing a womans voice, telling me to snap out of it, to come back. I keep feeling momentary touches, maybe like i'm being held for a moment, or a brush of fingers across my cheek... I know it's not true, I know it's not real, but maybe insanity is a good idea. If the only way I feel safe is a product of my own distorted mind, then what other choice do I have but to submit to it? Right now that is all that is stopping me I think. I've hurt myself, but... well not badly enough. No idea what to do, how to escape it, apart from the obvious.