Demanding to look through their messages?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by pogosticker, Nov 15, 2013.

  1. pogosticker

    pogosticker Well-Known Member

    So my bf went to a gay bar a week ago even though he promised me he wouldn't. Well, I'm probably paranoid but I can't stop picturing him with another guy, and the only way I'll feel better about it is if I demand to look through his inbox and see who he's spoke to recently.... Putting him on the spot so he can't delete any messages.

    Is this out of order? Anyone here behaved like this before? I know I should trust him but he did break his promise to me. I just know I'm not gonna get over this unless I look through all his msgs
  2. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    Demanding something like that is only likely to cause further friction.

    Is it out of order? Most definitely - you do not have an instantaneous right to check what he gets up to. And if you really don't feel you can trust him - is it worth you being together?
  3. pogosticker

    pogosticker Well-Known Member

    I think I can trust him and it's my own insecurities. I don't gave anything to hide but I have conversations on my phone that I don't want him reading so I suppose I wouldn't be happy with him demanding to look at it all. But still, I feel like I'd show him if I had given him any reason to suspect anything. I want to be able to trust him again and wouldn't read through his messages, just have a quick scroll to see who he's been speaking to over the past week.

    He usually tilts his phone away from me when he sends a message..
  4. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    no one in a relationship is entitled to be privy to every communication - people must have some things that are private - just because you are a couple it does not mean that you have become one "composite person" with no ideas, concerns, friends, etc... apart from those that you have together - you are both still individuals

    while this can sometimes lead to friction, it also helps keep things from getting stale

    you have no right to demand to see his inbox, call history etc... - that is definitely out-of-bounds

    you DO have the right to reasonably confront him regarding his broken promise
  5. Anon06

    Anon06 Member

    He's only going to be annoyed if you're too nosy. And since he broke his promise to you, that should be your hint that he isn't that trustworthy to begin with. You should just speak to him and tell him honestly that you are bothered by his breaking the promise he made. See his reaction and decide whether you want to trust him or not.
  6. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    If you wouldn't be happy with him demanding to read your phone, then you'd have to expect him to not be happy if you demanded reading his.

    As the other 2 have said - you can discuss about the broken promise - which does suggest that there's a hint of untrustworthiness. Put that with the despondency from your thread in "Relationships" sub-forum, it does sound rather discouraging to stick with something that there's a fair chance of not being right. Talk to him. That's the first step that ideally needs to happen. Seeking advice and support is ok, but that wouldn't deny the fact that to resolve the differences you have with him, it would be better with a conversation between you both.
  7. pogosticker

    pogosticker Well-Known Member

    Thank you for the advice all.

    I haven't asked to look at his messages. But I have said I don't like how he tilts his phone to the side all the time... If he left it out in the open I'd be a lot less 'paranoid'.
  8. krazor

    krazor Active Member

    I honestly wouldnt read to much into him going to a gay bar. Im straight im seeing a member of this very site and we have a kid on the way. Yet next week im going to the gay village on a night out with a few also straight friends. Its simple really the gay community isnt full of knobs and you can enjoy a good night out with a few drinks free from fights or crap from young lads as most of them wont set foot there in fear of loosing there wannabe matcho image.

    You need to start trusting your bf more before it destroys your relationship. Relationships are built on trust without it your never going to be truly happy.
  9. BeeGee88

    BeeGee88 Member

    You have to trust your partner, as difficult as it might be because without trust you have nothing and a relationship won't work. You'll always live in fear, always having doubts and thoughts of what might be going on. Then again, due to own experience...if you can't trust him...there might also well be a reason for it. I learned to listen to my gut feeling...In all honesty, if you think he did anything against you, that isn't right and would hurt you, chances are he did. But there is no prove unless you really saw him doing it. If he does anything, personality-wise or behavior, that makes you believe he would do something like might be possible. If he is nice and there is no way he'd do something like that then you need to just trust and let go of those thoughts.