Denial Can Be a Good Thing, Right?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by yzabet, Jul 6, 2010.

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  1. yzabet

    yzabet New Member

    So. This past month and more has been pretty awful.

    Started off in one of my customary funks, the kind where I don't want to talk to people (even or especially friends), feel insecure and inadequate and tired all the time, do boring and repetitive things (rewatching tv shows I'm not particularly interested in, going through comic archives, listening to music on repeat), and am anxious about all sorts of things. These usually blow over after a week or two at home, in the quiet by myself.

    I then was dumped by someone I was in a friends-with-benefits sort of relationship with. I was told to "grow up or fuck off" for reasons I'm still kind of fuzzy on. I was pretty upset; I had told him I wasn't looking for romance or love or anything because past experience has left me less than trusting of the concept and that my behavior wasn't likely to change in any appreciable way once we started going to bed together. The fuck off part was kind of out of left field for me, and that was the option I took out of hurt and spite. I haven't spoken to him or any of my other circle of friends since then. I could have handled that okay given some time and space I think.

    An old acquaintance of mine emailed me during that breakup. He was coming back to town after a two year thing in Florida. He dredged up a lot of feelings and things I had convinced myself were dead in me. This has caused me a lot of worry and stress and freaking out in bathroom stalls in the middle of class. He'll be leaving again at the end of this month and I think the last conversation we had was kind of a goodbye. I've been having an insane amount of trouble attempting to reconcile my emotions and feelings and shit about him and about other relationships (friendships and otherwise).

    I feel like I was doing okay while I was covering up the desire I have to find a partner. It hurts and has always hurt when I start feeling something other than friendship for another human being. It has never ended well. I don't want to start that shit up again. I had just accepted that I will probably end up as a crazy old cat lady if I didn't find some reason to off myself before then.
    I find myself wanting that state of numbness and denial back. Even if I wasn't happy, at least I had forgotten why I wasn't. I have been doing everything in my power for the past two weeks to get it back and it keeps not sticking.
    This sucks and I hate it. I hate crying and half the time I just want to bleed out in the bathtub.
     
  2. Marty482

    Marty482 Well-Known Member

    Sorry that this is such a tough time for you. You relationship with this person may not be over. Give it some time. Remember it takes two and you shouldn't accept all the responsability if you are. As far as your other past relationship goes ,try not to have any expectations when you see him.Just let it be. Whatever it is.Just let it unfold and expect nothing.

    PLEASE I BEG YOU. DONT do anything to yourself in the bathtub or anywhere. PLEASE. YOU dont deserve it. Just because others are acting badly doesn't mean you should. They hurt you enough ,dont you do it and Identlfy with them. I just said aprayer that you won't do that and I hope you pray too. PLEASE DONT

    I am here if you ever need to talk.PM me. You have all my compassion,love and support and I hop eit gets better soon. YOU KNOW WE ALL LOVE YOU HERE!!!! PLEASE no more hurting yourself. Let that hurt out another way.Tell the people who hurt you if you can. Be creative as you beautiful post was here. Talk it out with us. Let us know how you are!!!! WE ARE ALWAYS HERE FOR YOU!!!!

    Marty
     
  3. yzabet

    yzabet New Member

    I want to go back into my box. I'm kind of willing to slice off whatever parts I need to in order to fit in there. Only I don't know how to slice off emotions.

    How do you kill that stuff? I would resort to booze as the popular option but I need to be functional enough to go to work. You don't need emotions for that shit. If I didn't have a body they'd have nowhere to live. Exsanguination is a pretty classy way to go.
     
  4. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi yzabet. I'm sorry to hear that you're suffering so much right now. I can understand your frustration with trying to find someone to get married to. I'm nearly 30 and I'm still waiting for the right person, though I think one of my close friends might be 'the one.' Don't give up hope that you'll find the right guy to be with and not end up a crazy old cat lady. Just be patient and please don't harm yourself in the bathtub. :hug: :console:
     
  5. Marty482

    Marty482 Well-Known Member

    Again, I'm very sorry you feel this way. I ask you please to pray. I have for you. PLEASE dont do anything to hurt yourslef. I dont think there is any good way to go out. YOU are needed her so desperately. I wish you knew how much you are needed. So many peolpe need a friend like you and many little animals without a home would love to be with you. SO MANY NEED AND LOVE YOU. Believe me!!!! Its time to get these negative things out of your life forever. We need a plan and have to get you to the right people and groups and get you happy. WE CAN DO THIS! ou need to be around caring helping positive people. Go to a 12 step group and of course we here will be that for you too. PLEASE STAY. I NEED YOU and SO DOES EVERYONE ESLE HERE.Sending all my love and hope to you.

    Write me if you like,

    Marty
     
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