So. This past month and more has been pretty awful. Started off in one of my customary funks, the kind where I don't want to talk to people (even or especially friends), feel insecure and inadequate and tired all the time, do boring and repetitive things (rewatching tv shows I'm not particularly interested in, going through comic archives, listening to music on repeat), and am anxious about all sorts of things. These usually blow over after a week or two at home, in the quiet by myself. I then was dumped by someone I was in a friends-with-benefits sort of relationship with. I was told to "grow up or fuck off" for reasons I'm still kind of fuzzy on. I was pretty upset; I had told him I wasn't looking for romance or love or anything because past experience has left me less than trusting of the concept and that my behavior wasn't likely to change in any appreciable way once we started going to bed together. The fuck off part was kind of out of left field for me, and that was the option I took out of hurt and spite. I haven't spoken to him or any of my other circle of friends since then. I could have handled that okay given some time and space I think. An old acquaintance of mine emailed me during that breakup. He was coming back to town after a two year thing in Florida. He dredged up a lot of feelings and things I had convinced myself were dead in me. This has caused me a lot of worry and stress and freaking out in bathroom stalls in the middle of class. He'll be leaving again at the end of this month and I think the last conversation we had was kind of a goodbye. I've been having an insane amount of trouble attempting to reconcile my emotions and feelings and shit about him and about other relationships (friendships and otherwise). I feel like I was doing okay while I was covering up the desire I have to find a partner. It hurts and has always hurt when I start feeling something other than friendship for another human being. It has never ended well. I don't want to start that shit up again. I had just accepted that I will probably end up as a crazy old cat lady if I didn't find some reason to off myself before then. I find myself wanting that state of numbness and denial back. Even if I wasn't happy, at least I had forgotten why I wasn't. I have been doing everything in my power for the past two weeks to get it back and it keeps not sticking. This sucks and I hate it. I hate crying and half the time I just want to bleed out in the bathtub.